Word are Hard…Like a Penis: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Can you guess which of Ana’s favorite words/phrases she uses to open this chapter? Remember, she’s reacting to Leila pointing a gun at her!

Holy fuck is the correct answer!

Despite her terror, Ana doesn’t skimp on the details about Leila’s appearance, which is what we’re all dying to know!

…her appearance is as scruffy and ill-kempt as ever. She’s still wearing that grubby trench coat, and she looks desperately in need of a wash. Her hair is greasy and lank, plastered against her head, and her eyes are a dull brown, cloudy, and vaguely confused.

Don’t get confused–Leila’s eyes aren’t plain old confused, they’re vaguely confused. I’m vaguely confused right now about what Leila’s vaguely confused about.

Ana tries to remain calm and talk to Leila, going so far as to offer her tea.

As Leila and Ana begin to talk, Leila begins to read like a bizarre, brain-washed child.

“What do you mean, Leila?” I ask as gently as I can.

“Master—Mr. Grey—he lets you call him by his given name.”

“I’m not his submissive, Leila. Er . . . Master understands that I am unable, inadequate to fulfill that role.”

She tilts her head to the other side. It’s wholly unnerving and unnatural as a gesture.

“In-ad-e-quate.” She tests the word, sounding it out, seeing how it feels on her tongue. “But Master is happy. I have seen him. He laughs and smiles. These reactions are rare . . . very rare for him.”

She also reads a little like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.  Why is she acting like the word inadequate is the hardest word at the fifth grade spelling bee?

Ana, ever the saint, feels sympathy for Leila. What a gal. Her sympathy fades, however, when Leila claims Christian is a dark man. Though every five minutes Ana frets about Christian’s dark urges, she gets incredibly mad and thinks, “He’s joined me in the light.” Really, Ana, has he?

Christian enters the room and slips into his role as dominant and Leila gets a huge lady boner while Ana gets really uncomfortable at this glimpse into Christian’s past. I’m about as comfortable as I ever am reading this book.

Ana is dumb enough to believe that Christian may be choosing Leila over her and is not just playing the role to get her to drop the gun and not fucking kill them. Seriously, Ana is a moron.

Downstairs, Ethan is waiting. He’d been running late, so he’s a-okay. Ethan is like, “Um, I’m uncomfortable, so let’s go out for some-girl-was-in-your-apartment-with-a-gun drinks.” Ana agrees.

After hearing the story of Leila, Ethan gets the award for understatement of the year, saying, “She sounds unstable.” Oh, you don’t say? Does she really, Colonel No Shit?

Basically Ana is worried Christian is upstairs fucking Leila because she can fulfill his needs in different ways. Dipshit, he is obsessed with you and just saved your life in a smart way. SHUT THE FUCK UP! You know Ana, at least your man is in the same country as you and you can see him all the time and he’s not ACTUALLY fucking other girls and HE SAYS NICE THINGS TO YOU LITERALLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME! God damn it.

Later that night at Christian’s apartment, Ana starts saying how she’s not what he needs, and they have the same conversation that they’ve had a million times. Christian says she’s everything he wants. This is obviously all about Ana’s own insecurities deep down, and I get it. But it doesn’t mean I feel like reading it over and over again.

But the chapter ends in a way that made me burst out laughing. Christian begs her not to leave and then gets down on her knees. Then the chapter ends in almost the same way it began:

Holy Fuck . . . Christian. The submissive.

What a wacky twist!