Vagina on Legs: Bared to You Chapter 2

I was really happy that the second half of my post title rhymed. It really is the little things in life when posting!

Fun fact: I just got a text from the boof saying that someone is just reading excerpts of Fifty Shades of Grey at the comedy show he’s at. I mean, really, people, the book is a joke, but you need to do more than that with it. Like write a blog! And make carefully thought out dick jokes!

Chapter 2

When we last left Eva, she’d just gotten into an elevator with none other than Mr. Sexy Suit Man. The chapter begins with Eva giving us the inside scoop on this man’s sexiness. For instance, his hair length is sexy. As is the color of his hair (a black like which she’s never seen before!). But there’s one thing I know we’re all wondering about…

I wonder if we’re going to get more searchers on this blog looking for Whatever-his-real-name-is’ penis size.

He was a potent force in such a small enclosure, radiating a palpable energy and sexual magnetism that had me shifting restlessly on my feet. My breathing became as ragged as my heartbeat. I felt that inexplicable pull to him again, as if he exuded a silent demand that I was instinctively attuned to answering.

Apparently it’s not romantic unless you feel an “inexplicable pull” to someone. Personality shmersonality. It’s all about that palpable energy and sexual magnetism that makes the ladies shift restlessly on their feet. No man has ever made me shift restlessly on my feet. It’s what’s been missing all along.

My heart was racing in my chest, my stomach quivering madly.

According to Fifty Shades, this means she’s going to orgasm soon. Whenever anything quivers it means an orgasm is approaching! Perhaps even a voice-activated one.

My thoughts ran away from me, fantasizing about how hard his body [or his penis–SURPRISE DICK JOKE] might be beneath the suit, how it might feel against me, how well endowed—or not—he might be . . .

Well, at least she entertains the possibility he’s not built like Christian Grey. That’s…big of her.

Eva certainly has a more assertive tone than Ana does. She doesn’t shy away from telling us how horny “Dark and Dangerous” makes her or how she got drunk off wine (and is now hungover for her second day of work) instead of using her vibrator to fantasize about Dark and Dangerous. She lays it on a little thick, but I prefer this change of pace to Ana’s constant, “Oh my, his penis is a penis! And it’s growing! Why I never!”

So Eva is at work and she and her boss Mark talk business. In Fifty Shades we last left off with Ana’s boss about to rape her, will Mark do the same to Eva? Nope! Turns out he’s gay and dating a guy named Steve! Two gay men in one book? Will they start dating? This is great! Steve shows up and they all eat Chinese, and Eva tells us how great she thinks they are as a couple for like three pages. And Steve talks about that one time he tried hetero sex. Moving on.

Don’t worry, though, this book delivers on the weird, sort of offensive statements!

“Hey,” Steven protested, “I’m housebroken. I put the toilet seat down.”

Mark shot me an exasperated look that was warm with affection for his partner. “And that’s helpful how?”

Cause gay men are women and don’t have penises? Rude.

So Mark and Eva work on a business thing, and then they head upstairs to make some sort of business proposal. Guess who it turns out they’re meeting with? Sexy Dark and Dangerous Suit Man!

Eva is so startled she stops in her tracks and Mark runs into her, and Eva goes flying into Dark and Dangerous’ arms. Oh, how romantic! And sexy.

Even through the layers of clothing between us, his biceps were like stone beneath my palms, his stomach a hard slab of muscle against my own. When he sucked in a sharp breath, my nipples tightened, stimulated by the expansion of his chest.

Oh my god can these books please stop talking about nipples! It is really not pleasant for me. And “stimulated by the expansion of his chest” sounds like a weird medical text-book I have no interest in reading. And slabs of anything sound gross to me. Like if you ever offered me a huge slab of meat, I’d say no thank you. A slab of man-abs sounds equally weird and unappealing

We find out his last name is Cross, and so the book begins to refer to him that way. I will too.

While the meeting is going on, Eva studies Cross:

I caught a glimpse of his wrist at the end of his cuff and for some crazy reason the sight of that small expanse of golden skin with its light dusting of dark hair made my clit throb for attention. He was just so . . . male.

This toast is just so delicious. It’s just so…bread.

Also Eva needs to get her clit and nipples under control–if the sight of a wrist could give her a huge lady boner, something is wrong.

After the meeting, Cross pulls Eva aside and asks her the perfectly reasonable question of whether or not she’s sleeping with anyone. Eva is, understandable like, “What the fuck?” But don’t worry, guys, Cross has a perfectly logical explanation!

“Because I want to fuck you, Eva. I need to know what’s standing in my way, if anything.”

Casual. Business casual.

Later, Cary and Eva freak out about what happened. Their minds are blown (like Cross’ penis is gonna be).

Then we find out Gideon Cross owns the company. I wonder if he and Christian Grey have dinner dates. Anyway, Eva starts whining about how she just feels like a “vagina on legs” and she’s soooo offended, when she’s the one who has been objectifying the shit out of Cross and his poor wrists! Sometimes he just feels like a wrist on an arm, damn it!

Eva is like, “I gotta go work out with that Parker dude right now, bye!” And the chapter ends.