Today I spent a really long time joking with my not-boyfriend about how we were both twelve and giggling over names we’d come across while writing final papers. Dick Hebdige and Trevor Butt to be specific (damn, I’m still giggling over Trevor Butt). Then we agreed should write a joint paper together and spent a really alarming amount of time creating titles for this hypothetical paper. He also remembered there was a philosopher with the last name Balzac, and things got even sillier.
Dick and Butt: Why the Vagina Monologues are no longer necessary
Dick and Butt: penetrating the secret of subculture
Dick and Butt: why literature today is so anal
Dick and Butt: Together at Last
Dick and Butt: A Feminist Critique
Dick and Butt: Getting Balzac involved
Dick and Balzac: But out, Butt
Butt and Balzac: Dick’s diving in deeper
Dick and Butt: pushing Balzac to the limit
The ones that make you laugh most are probably the ones he came up with. But I’m going to leave it ambiguous. Clearly, he’s the perfect choice for someone who writes a blog that relies very heavily on dick jokes. Perhaps I’ll offer him a freelance position at Bad Books, Good Times. Like “Guest Dick Joke Writer” or some other fancy title.
Chapter 5
We open with a very hungover Eva musing on how she’s breaking her rules by…negotiating sex rules with Gideon. What a daring and rebellious woman!
In case you don’t recall since it’s been awhile, Eva was hanging out at a club when Gideon showed up. Turns out he owns that club! Because New York is comprised of only about forty-five people, give or take, this was a very plausible plot-point and did not at all make me stop to roll my eyes.
Cary informs Eva that something’s arrived for her.
It was wrapped with brown paper and twine and had my name handwritten diagonally across the top with a decorative calligraphic flourish. Inside was an amber glass bottle with Hangover Cure painted on it in a white old-fashioned font and a note tied with raffia to the bottle’s neck that said, Drink me. Gideon’s business card was nestled in the cushioning tissue paper.
What is it with these books having the men send the women these gifts? I would be pretty weirded out by this actually. It’s too elaborate, too soon. I’m just happy when my boy likes something of mine on facebook–I don’t expect him to send me freaking packages and we’ve been together nearly seven months! But why am I trying to apply logic to romance novels? That’s like trying to talk about feminism to Chris Brown.
Cary suggests maybe hooking up with Gideon would turn into something more for Eva, but she’s skeptical:
“I’m not looking for happily-ever-after, Cary, especially not with a mega-mogul like Cross. I’ve seen what it’s like for my mom being connected to powerful men. It’s a full-time job with a part-time companion. Money keeps Mom happy, but it wouldn’t be enough for me.”
Just like Ana, Eva is all, “I don’t need money, I just need luuuuurve!” So honorable! Think of all the awesome shit you could buy if you have love AND money, assholes!
Eva expresses a lot of resentment that her mother turned her father down when he proposed because he wasn’t rich enough. So this makes Eva resent men with money for some reason? Shouldn’t this just make her resent mothers who are idiots? Also, there is nothing wrong with a character that is cool with dating someone with money. No, I don’t want money to be her primary concern, but stop with the sanctimonious bullshit.
So, because Eva hates money so darn much, she accepts an expensive spa day with her mother! Who is an evil money-hungry bitch! Also she’s a creepy stalker to her daughter who has bugged her phone and stuff–just in case you’d forgotten. Also, Cary is going on the spa date.
And, because she really hates money, Eva has a car sent to pick her up, and inside of the car are expensive chocolate truffles that she and Cary immediately devour. GOOD GOD THE HORRORS OF HAVING MONEY!!!
Cary, being a total ass, starts asking if Eva’s mom knows about Gideon Cross, and she starts rattling on about how he’s one of the richest bachelors, and for some reason she knows usually he likes brunettes. For some reason she doesn’t understand why Eva didn’t mention his interest in her.
After the spa, Eva calls Gideon.
[Edit: I had tried to update the poll last night, but apparently it didn’t save correctly. Fixed now!]
So when he answers the phone, he tells her he’s a block away and headed over. Wow, for those of you who answered that for the poll, well done! What a specific prediction that I did not at all glean from reading ahead and then go back and edit into the poll.
You must be wondering why Gideon was already on his way over–I sure am. I’ll let him explain:
“I’m here because it took you too long to call me.”
Let’s just for a moment stop and pretend the roles were reversed. If a woman did this to a man, she would immediately be labeled a total nut job. I believe in equal treatment. This is creepy as shit coming from anybody. Why is this supposed to be read as sexy? He just wants her so bad that he can’t wait for her to call him after less than 24 hours, hot stuff!
Oh, but really he just had a super important question to ask.
“Go with me to the advocacy center dinner tonight.”
I pulled back, surprised and excited by the request. “You’re going?”
“So are you. I checked, knowing your mother would be there. Let’s go together.”
Why didn’t he just try to call? Why on earth was this so urgent he had to literally run to her apartment to ask her?
She starts questioning this idea, citing reasons such as, “it’s a really public, high-profile event,” or “my mother will be there, and she’s super annoying.” Most men would be deterred by all this pressure on something that supposedly is not going to turn into a relationship. But for some reason Gideon is like, “Let’s do it despite all of these legitimate points!”
So then they start hooking up, and I have to say, it’s a huge step-up from the sex scenes in Fifty Shades. Like it’s actually decent, and I feel like if I were to quote it, I’d be just quoting decent erotica to you guys, which goes against the whole mission here at Bad Books, Good Times. Oh wait, this just happened:
His other hand continued to plump my breasts, making them heavy and unbearably sensitive.
Well. Two lines were more normal than Fifty Shades, so I guess that still counts for something. Why the word plump? There are so many normal words that would have fit in just fine there.
I will say, that at least everyone in these books is pretty responsible when it comes to sex so far!
“I’ll prove I’m clean and you’ll do the same, and then you’re going to let me come in you.”
But then Gideon just straight-up confuses me with his dirty talk:
“I want to feel my cum in you when I fuck you with my fingers.”
Cum doesn’t come out of fingers, at least not from what I’ve experienced. Maybe some men’s bodies are built differently.
More importantly, voice-activated orgasms are also a thing in the Bared to You universe:
“Give it up to me, Eva,” he ordered. “Now.”
I climaxed with a thready cry, my grip white-knuckled on the sides of the cushions as my hips pumped onto his hand, my mind far beyond shame or shyness.
Boy, I wish everything in life were that easy.
Gideon gets up to leave, but not before telling Eva he’ll see her at seven and he wants to fuck her with nothing but her diamond anklet on. Ug diamonds?! MONEY IS JUST THE WORST!!!!!
Oh how I love those male leads who impose their idea of sex to the female lead! “I’ll prove I’m clean and you’ll do the same, and then you’re going to let me come in you”, just awesome! The kind of words every woman would like to hear before sleeping with her man!
Thanks E.L. James and Silvia Day for all those inspiring words! Maybe you should have lived centuries ago, or simply in a patriarchal society, so you could have been happy to be slaves to your men.
Urrrrrg I know! Even if he was like this is what I WANT to do it would imply she had a choice.
The problem is, even when Ana/Eva can choose, they let (or at least Ana lets, but I guess Eva will be more or less the same) their hormones decide and this means that he snaps a finger and their panties are off, he says “come” and bam! they come! This is not an Alpha Male, this is just a bossy/controlling behaviour and I wish I was still at university to make a thesis about why this kind of male characters are so popular among females when they are in a book but are viewed as creepy/stalkerish in real life.
How about Dick Butkus, a famous American football player, for a good pun making name?
Oh my god that is hilarious! I’ll be sure to pass this name along haha =)
And he was one of the best players ever, too. Believe me, you’re not making fun of that dude to his face. He’s the size of a bear.
I was (more or less) merrily reading along here, and then:
“I want to feel my cum in you when I fuck you with my fingers.”
Aha! So you ARE a Christian Grey clone! I should have known you’d have penis hands too. I’d go a step further and assume that you all reproduce through parthenogenesis, but that doesn’t involve shecks so I’ll sadly have to rule out that possibility.
Apologies for the stupid joke, but when I read Fifty Shades myself and forced my friends to listen to my rants, I brought up the scene where Ana was fellating Christian’s fingers. Needless to say, we all thought that scene was hilariously awful and continued to joke about penis hands long after I finished plowing through that travesty.
(Also, I believe I read too much bad fanfiction. When I encounter moments like this, I ALWAYS think of My Immortal or absurd Naruto lemons involving a wildly OOC version of Uchiha Sasuke. It’s rather hard to believe that these published works are any different from the badfics I see on the internet.)