The Plotless Plot Doesn’t Thicken in the Slightest: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 1

Okay, so this book also starts with Fifty Shades coming all over itself, masturbating to it’s own praise. The worst part is it’s written in the second person, and it’s telling me how I’m going to feel reading this book.

You’ll be swept away with a force that is impossible to escape or turn back from, not that you’d want to escape. You’ll savor every moment, every word, and when it’s over you’ll want to pick it up and start again from the beginning. The only thing I’d like to caution readers about with the Fifty Shades Trilogy—it will literally ruin other books for you.

No. The next line is not, “Just kidding,” as it should be. That Penny-Ann Lupton (I’m sorry, should I know who the hell that is and why she wants Fifty Shades’ jizz all over her face?) thinks that Fifty Shades is ruining other books for me and not making them all look like masterpieces in comparison is absurd. Okay, I wasn’t going to do this, but I googled this woman just to make sure she isn’t EL James’ cousin or something. Her twitter came up, and she’s like a paranormal romance writer. Cool story, bro. Listen up Lupton, I was neither swept away nor savoring every word as I read these books. I don’t know where you’re getting your information from, but it’s certainly not my diary or my loved ones, so kindly back off.

So many readers glance at the back cover of this book and expect an erotic novel about BDSM. Yes there are some BDSM elements to the story, but that’s not what this novel is about. Fifty Shades is probably the best romance I’ve ever read. It’s impossible to put into words in a review what this book will make you feel, it’s so emotional. It is authentic, open, honest, and at times both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I’ve recommended this series to so many people who told me that it was out of their comfort zone because of the BDSM. However, after practically browbeating them into reading it, every one of them came to me raving about how wonderful and unexpected it was.

It’s hilarious because that sounds like an awesome book that I’d love to read. Then I remember, I’ve already read two of them, and none of these things are true! I bet Lupton browbeat these people so hard that they suffered severe brain damage, thus explaining their rave reviews.

Christ. I just want to quote the whole thing to you, there are so many insanely ridiculous moments. Like she puts an actual image of a gold star in the final paragraph of the praise and says she’s breaking the rules and giving the book six stars instead of five. Then she makes a joke about Christian’s twitchy palm. This lady is sick. There is something obviously deeply wrong with her. Someone get her a copy of any other piece of literature STAT!

Prologue 

So last week a whole lot of nothing happened. Because I’ve already wasted time making fun of the praise this book received  I’ll give a little recap but I’m not going to re-explain who anyone is. If you don’t remember them, it’s probably because no one in this series is actually given much attention aside from Christian and Ana.

Ana and Christian got engaged, Evil Cougar (Elena) told Ana she wasn’t right for Christian, a drink was thrown in Elena’s face, Christian yelled at her, Christian’s mom called her a whore, Christian bought Ana a diamond ring that was big like his penis, Jack Hyde revealed (to the reader, not to anyone else) that he caused Christian’s plane crash and is going to try to get revenge on him and Ana.

The prologue consists of another depressing Christian flashback. We get it, he was abused as a child. It’s sad and I can’t make fun of it, so can we move on? It’s genuinely depressing. His mom dies, and he covers her with his blanket and then he eats weird frozen stuff out of the fridge until police come and save him.

Apparently adult!Christian is having a nightmare, and Ana wakes him. For some reason this is in the third-person and not first, leaving me to wonder if this series would have been better written in the third-person. I’m kind of thinking yes. Ana’s thoughts are really annoying. No moments were ruined with Ana’s brilliant reactions like, “Holy shit,” “oh jeez,” “my poor fifty”. It was a little sappy, sure, but it wasn’t blatantly awful.

So now back to our regularly scheduled point of view! Sad.

Chapter 1

So apparently I was completely wrong and this book is not about making wedding plans, because it starts with Ana and Christian already married. But guys, we didn’t get to read their super romantic vows! I bet it was like nothing we’d already heard 8,000 times before! Okay, so I actually really really appreciate that we didn’t have to read any of that.

They’re on the last leg of their honeymoon, and…oh no…for some fucking reason Ana is having a flashback to the last scene in Fifty Shades Darker and what happened after. Just when I was about to give props to James.

They had sex after the proposal (no way, Ana and Christian having sex?!?! And we missed it?!?! It’s like a chapter without sunshine.) and Christian asked if they could go to Vegas and get married the next day. Instead, they decide to have a small wedding at Christian’s parents house. Flashback over.

So things only can get more interesting…right?

Christian rubs suntan lotion on Ana–sensually, I guess? Every five seconds they obnoxiously refer to each other as “Mr. Grey” and “Mrs. Grey”. Ana makes a joke about sunbathing topless like other people on the beach, and Christian says he doesn’t even like how little Ana is wearing in public as is in her bikini. Christ, he’s annoying.

Ana naps, and when she wakes up, Christian asks her to go for a swim, but she is sleepy! I can relate. Moving is just the worst.

So Christian lifts her up and threatens to dump her in the sea (and hopefully drown her), and she’s like, “You wouldn’t,” to which he responds, “Oh, Ana, baby, have you learned nothing in the short time we’ve known each other?” It really bothers me how frequently James draws attention to the fact that they haven’t known each other long at all. It reminds me how uncomfortable their relationship makes me, and it just highlights how strange it is that they’re married after only a few weeks!

Ana thinks they’re going to bone in the sea, but Christian points out the fact they aren’t alone and that a bunch of people are staring at them. That awkward moment. So Ana for some reason decides she has to get back at Christian for the fact that they aren’t alone on this beach? Maybe if that rich bastard had just bought the beach before they came they wouldn’t be having this problem? God, I hate when my rich husband doesn’t buy the motherfucking island we’re staying on and I can’t have sex with him in the ocean! Idiot problems. Ana does what anyone would do for revenge in this situation and takes off her top. Oh no, you guys! This might lead to yet another of the same disagreement we’ve read before! Fifty Shades of riveting as fuck, let me tell you. Every time.

Cue flashback to their wedding for some reason.

Again, we don’t hear their vows or anything, we just skip to the, “You may now kiss the bride,” bit.

Most of the flashback is just the same old mushy-gushy stuff I’m sick of reading in this book. Oh everyone is just ever so happy for Christian and Ana! Oh Christian loves Ana ever so much! But then there’s this weird bit where Ana has the most depressing thought for a wedding:

Ray and my mother are dancing and laughing with each other. I feel bittersweet watching them together. I hope Christian and I last longer. I don’t know what I’d do if he left me. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. The saying haunts me.

I mean, do I want them to break up? Yes. Do I hate both of them? Have you met this blog, obviously yes. But still. What a terrible thing to think on your wedding! Her “I hope we last longer” is like saying I hope I get the bronze medal in the 100 meter sprint. Why not go for the gold? Depressing as fuck. You know what, if Jack Hyde really is going against Ana and Christian in this, I’m going to root for him.

The whole flashback consists of the usual mash-up of pointless scenes such as, but not limited to, supportive words from Kate, supportive words from Jose (supportive words laced with unrequited love), Christian and Ana wanting to have sex, Christian wanting to leave their own party to go have sex, dancing with grandparents, old people taking about wanting grandchildren, etc.

We find out through Ana’s mom that Ana never promised to obey during the wedding vows. They’ve come such a long way in the short time they’ve been together.

Turns out Christian hasn’t told Ana where they’re going for their honeymoon, so after the wedding he whisks her away on some private flight. How can there possibly be anyone in the world who actually enjoys reading this? I am so stumped. Not boyfriend just asked me why I’ve been so quiet writing this post, and it’s literally because nothing is happening and no lols are being had! NO LOLS! It’s just reading a really long, dull diary entry.

Turns out they’re going to Ireland and then London. Get the fuck out of my favorite  cities, everyone in Fifty Shades. First Seattle, now London?!  Puke.

So there’s apparently a bedroom on this plane, which is really cool actually, but of course Ana’s reaction is, “Jeez,” and “this looks comfortable.”

“I thought we’d spend our wedding night at thirty-five-thousand feet. It’s something I’ve never done before.”

Holy cow . . . another first. I gape at him, my heart pounding . . . the mile high club. I’ve heard about this.

Yeah, you and everyone else Ana. Well done.

So it’s time for the sexing!

Between each kiss he murmurs, “I. Want. You. So. Much. I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You. You. Are. Mine.”

Each word is intoxicating.

Well, it’s no, “Put that chicken in the fridge,” but I guess it’ll do.

His lips find mine, his hands curling around my head, holding me, stilling me as our tongues glory in each other.

I don’t even…what does that mean?

So they have sex, but there’s just detail about Christian kissing Ana’s legs and going down on her, by the time they start actually having sex, Ana is woken from this dream (apparently this wasn’t just a daydream, but she’d actually fallen asleep) and Christian is furious with her about being topless I guess. She’s on her back and people can see her boobies!!!

Told you they were going to have another ridiculously stupid argument. I hope Jack Hyde shows up and ends this all for us. PLEASE!