I’m being a super stereotypical English major and taking Shakespeare this semester. It is very strange going from that to this.
Chapter Five
As the honeymoon comes to a close, Ana has trouble sleeping because she’s worried about the arson and the who might have a grudge against them. Except she doesn’t have so much trouble sleeping that E L James doesn’t fall back on Ana talking in her sleep as a cheap device to progress the plot anyway, because god forbid the romantic leads actually learn how to talk to each other.
“You were talking.”
“Oh?” Shit! What was I saying?
“You’re worried,” he adds, his eyes filled with concern. Is there nothing I can keep from this man?
Wasn’t Ana just complaining about how Christian keeps things from her and wishing the openness of their relationship was easier, like, one chapter ago? And a chapter before that? And before that? And-
Ana and Christian go jet-skiing. E L James remembers how predicates work.
I insert in the ignition key and push the start button, and the engine roars into life.
Ana and Christian fall off the jet ski and laugh about it. Tee hee, I guess. They go back home and they spend a couple pages debating if Ana’s getting fat?
“You’ve put on some of the weight you lost when you left me,” he says quietly as he summons the elevator. A bleak expression crosses his face.
And they shyly talk about Ana defying Christian but Christian likes it and Ana likes it and I don’t even know why we’re still talking about this.
“I like defying you.” I test the waters.
“I know. And it’s made me so … happy.” He smiles down at me through
his bemusement.
Oh, thank heavens.
I don’t get this at all. Christian’s controlling tendencies are a significant plot element in the strength of their relationship, but they’re married now. I’m pretty sure what the story’s trying to do is show how Ana’s “fixing” Christian from his controlling ways, but what this actually does is show how Ana still worries about Christian’s approval at all times because she thinks she isn’t bending to his will enough. This isn’t romance, this is championing the abusive relationship. Hell, Ana’s even fake-worrying but actually still really worrying that Christian won’t love her if she gets fat!
“Even though I’m fat?” I whisper.
I dunno, how do you feel about this, Superman?
here I am, Mrs. Anastasia Grey, married to the most delicious, sexy, philanthropic, absurdly wealthy mogul a woman could meet. How did this all happen so fast?
“Delicious” is a weird adjective to start this list with.
I could just tease his earlobe with my teeth and suck. My subconscious glares up at me over her half-moon spectacles, distracted from volume two of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens, and mentally chastises me.
Jesus, is Ana’s subconscious still reading that book? At least she’s on volume two now.
Ugh, this shit is so tedious. What are your thoughts, readers?
Take Our PollE L James decided that the most logical direction to take the story in next was a high speed car chase.
I’m heading for the on-ramp of the 520 in the direction of Seattle. When I glance at Christian, he’s staring straight ahead.
“I don’t want you to panic,” he says calmly. “But as soon as we’re on the 520 proper, I want you to step on the gas. We’re being followed.”
Because why the fuck not.
The speedometer whips up to seventy-five miles per hour […] I weave between the two lines of traffic like a black counter in a game of checkers, effectively jumping the cars and trucks.
Ana keeps going faster, but their pursuer keeps going faster!
“He’s hit one hundred miles per hour, sir.”
“Stay with him, Luke,” Christian barks at Sawyer.
Ana gets really confused about who Luke is!
Luke?
Ana and Christian have an argument that’s maybe supposed to be funny but it’s really hard to tell if it’s intentionally funny or even if it’s unintentionally funny because the tone of this book is so bad that it’s impossible to tell if it’s supposed to be serious or funny or sexy at any given moment!
“Flash the headlights,” Christian orders when a Ford Mustang won’t move.
“But that would make me an asshole.”
“So be an asshole!” he snaps.
Tension!
“Um, where are the headlights?”
“The indicator. Pull it toward you.”
Ana is still really concerned about who Luke is!
“He’s taking Stewart,” Sawyer says.
“Stay with him, Luke.”
“Luke?”
“That’s his name.”
They manage to lose the pursuer hiding in a public parking lot! Which is apparently the perfect time to have sex.
“Fuck me then.” I kiss the corner of his mouth. I want him. Now. That car chase was exciting. Too exciting.
E L James proofreads her work.
Slowly he eases two fingers passed my panties and inside me.
Ana captures the mood.
“Car sex!” I exclaim.
I shit you not, that’s what’s written in the book. Ana just says “Car sex!” Like… that’s all she has to say. Usually Ana just thinks these things, but this time she says it out loud. I want to you pretend that someone you just slept with actually did this. Doesn’t even have to be in a car. Say you and your partner just had sex in a shower and the only thing they said afterwards was “Shower sex!” Say it was in a bed and they only thing they had to say was “Bed sex!” This is actually a little creepy.
They drive back home because I guess it’s safe now. They meet a neighbor named Noah Logan in the elevator. So he’s probably either:
- never going to be seen again
- someone who’s actively trying to harm Christian and Ana
Then the chapter ends as they go to have sex again. What a promising way to end the chapter.