The Anticipated Return of Jack Hyde: Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 22

When we last left off, Jack Hyde had finally made his grand return and contacted Ana. From her sister-in-law’s phone! Uh-oh spaghetti-o.

Chapter 22

Thankfully Hyde is calling right in the nick of time to save Ana and Christian’s relationship by causing outside drama that will overshadow their personal conflict. Thus, nothing will actually get resolved in an interesting way, but instead will barely be discussed in the future. It’s okay, though, because all couples resolve big issues by simply being distracted by something else which magically puts all those silly arguments about unwanted children to rest. 

Looks like Hyde has gone full-blown psycho. He can’t go a sentence without cursing or putting women down. I always find it hilarious in books/movies/television when someone seems super normal or at least able to function in society, but as soon as their cover’s blown they suddenly unleash all the over-the-top craziness. I guess it must take a lot of effort for them not to call people “gold digging whores” and “cock-teases” or “sluts” in every-day conversation, so not having to hide their true colors anymore is such a relief they don’t hold back once it’s not necessary to hide! Jack Hyde.

“Listen here, you prick-teasing, gold-digging whore. You fucked up my life. Grey fucked up my life. You owe me. I have the little bitch with me now. And you, that cock-sucker you married, and his whole fucking family are going to pay.”

Hyde’s contempt and bile shock me. His family? What the hell?

“What do you want?”

“I want his money. I really want his fucking money. If things had been different, it could have been me. So you’re going to get it for me. I want five million dollars, today.”

It could have been him?! So mysterious! I wonder what it could all mean. Well, that’s what I sure would be wondering if I hadn’t finished this already.

Ana has to quickly figure out how she’s going to get the money, but the catch is that she can’t tell anyone! Including her husband who has all the money! What’s she gonna do? Host a bake sale? Haha I don’t think Ana can bake.

Well she only has two hours, so it looks like there’s not much Ana can do. Although, you know, she could probably throw together a best-selling erotic novel in about twenty minutes, and she’s the head of a publishing company, so what publishing the book would take maybe five minutes tops? Yeah, she could raise the five million real fast!

Ana leaves the office, clearly not realizing my amazing plan to earn the money in two hours, and begins to go over her own plan. She’s got a lot of questions, though.

I gaze out the window in stark terror as I go over my plan. Get home. Change. Find checkbook. Escape from Ryan and Sawyer somehow. Go to bank. Hell, how much room does five million dollars take up? What will it weigh? Will I need a suitcase? Should I telephone the bank in advance?

Wouldn’t it be great if the bank just handed her the cash and she didn’t have anywhere to put it? Or what if instead of the cliche money-in-a-suitcase shtick Ana used a trash bag or a hobo stick bundle?

Once home, Ana goes into Christian’s study and finds the gun that Leila pulled on them in the last book. Ana is appropriately annoyed that Christian hasn’t secured the weapon. I think it’s nice she knows more about guns than he does. I guess knowing about guns is more important than knowing about the internet to some people. Amurica! Anyway, she grabs the gun, and you know you can’t introduce a gun and then not have it go off! Wait does Checkhov’s gun really only apply to the first act? God, this book is daring! But also I wouldn’t be surprised if the gun was introduced,  and then quickly forgotten in this series. Typical.

After this, Ana ends up grabbing Christian’s gym bag to use to carry the money instead of a suitcase. Like I said, daring stuff!

Then Ana has to sneak out of her own house. Because security watches her constantly. She sneaks downstairs and then lures Sawyer upstairs by calling him (on his cell phone) and saying she needs his help, which actually sounds like the beginning of a bad porno, but then she manages to get to the elevator while he’s headed to her room.

I think the weirdest part of this whole chapter so far is what happens when Ana gets to the bank:

“May I help you, ma’am?” The young woman gives me a bright, insincere smile, and for a moment I regret changing into jeans.

“I’d like to withdraw a large sum of money.”

Ms. Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow. “You have an account with us?” She fails to hide her sarcasm.

“Yes,” I snap. “My husband and I have several accounts here. His name is Christian Grey.”

Her eyes widen fractionally and insincerity gives way to shock. Her eyes sweep up and down me once more, this time with a combination of disbelief and awe.

It’s like in the middle of all this stressful “action,” we still need to have a scene straight out of Pretty Woman where Ana gets to be like, “actually I DO have lots of money, check me out, bitch.” For some reason it was also necessary to imply that simply by putting on jeans Ana transforms into someone not worthy of being married to Christian. The woman is in disbelief when she looks Ana up and down. Come on book, focus on fucking saving Mia instead!

Ana requests her five million dollars, and the bank manager tells her than normally they need more notice than this, but thankfully they’ve got lots of moneys available for her to take! The manager leaves the room while Ana writes the check (after showing ID and such), and when he comes back he says Christian is on the phone and wants to talk to Ana.

What follows next actually shocks me. I was expecting a furious Christian to yell at Ana, but I guess the plot really needs Ana to get this money, so instead we get a really sad conversation where Christian thinks Ana is leaving him. Instead of trying to force her to stay, he basically tells her to just take all of his money and that he’ll always love her. Stupidly, he asks her if it was always about the money.

If it really had always been about the money and all along Ana had planned on faking a pregnancy (or actually getting pregnant) knowing Christian would flip out and give her a valid excuse to leave, I would be fucking in love with this series. This whole time even we the readers who were inside Ana’s head didn’t know her true plan. Or, better yet, her subconscious’ secret plan! And she was in cahoots with the inner goddess all along! What a cool twist!

But as things are, Christian is an idiot for thinking it was always the money. If Ana was really leaving it was very clearly because he treated her like shit and going to see Elena was a betrayal Ana couldn’t get over. Also Ana has always been super weird about letting him spend money on her – he’s usually the one that forces it. I guess it fits in with what we’ve seen of his character, though. Sort of.

Ana is sad and dumb.

I have just left my husband. Well, Christian thinks I have. My subconscious purses her lips. Because you told him so.

I know, I know, you guys. Ana (and James) have never understood what a subconscious is, but this time is just extra stupid. The other times the subconscious turns up is usually to throw something negative at Ana and show us how insecure she is and how she undermines herself. Or the subconscious is like reading a book and stops to make a disapproving face at Ana. Basically Ana will think something along the lines of, “It’s so wonderful Christian asked me out…but how could he like a girl like me?”

In this situation, though, her “subconscious” is literally just pointing out a fact that Ana has full awareness of. No fucking shit Christian thinks you’re leaving because seconds ago you told him that you’re leaving!

Also, why is Ana’s first thought that she’s left her husband when she knows she actually hasn’t and is putting on a show to save his sister? Dumb. Even dumber, she’s worried because she’s supposed to visit her dad tonight. So she thinks maybe she can drop the money off real quick and be back in time for dinner.

Christian tries to call Ana, but she doesn’t answer. The money is ready, so Ana starts to head to the front of the bank, but sees Sawyer and asks the bank manager if she can make a phone call in private. She calls Hyde, and he already knows she’s been followed. He said out back he has a car waiting for her, so she has to sneak out. Well, not so much sneak as ask the manager if she can use the employee exit.

Elizabeth is driving the car! Gasp! If you don’t remember who Elizabeth is, that’s okay. Her name has only come up like twice in the book, and I don’t think she’s ever been important enough to include in a post. Basically, she’s someone who works for Ana. So it’s not a very exciting twist in the slightest. It becomes pretty clear as Elizabeth drives Ana to Jack that she’s doing this because he has some sort of hold over her.

You guys the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here. Ana gets beat up! I know that being kind of gleeful about a pregnant woman being beat up doesn’t make me look very nice, but I really really hate Ana, and she’s a fictional character, so I feel like it’s okay to laugh at this part of the book. Stop judging me.

Jack snarls, and from nowhere he lashes out, backhanding me hard across the face.

Gets me every time!

While on the ground, after being kicked in the ribs I might add, Ana pulls her gun out and shoots Hyde in the leg. I accidentally typed dick instead of leg because that would have been better. Of course, right after this Ana starts to pass out, but not before she sees Christian arrive to save her.