Bad Romance Advice, Good Times: How to Give Compliments that Encourage Intimacy

I really like to read relationship and dating articles. It’s pretty unclear why they suck me in so often given you’re either receiving really obvious advice (Your partner wants to be heard! Really listen to what he’s saying!) or really lame suggestions for how to find a relationship (Have you tried meeting someone in the frozen foods section of a supermarket? Did you know your taste in frozen vegetables can really determine your compatibility?). And then there’s the terrible advice that sometimes doesn’t even strike you as terrible because you’re just scanning the page superficially. Enter “How to Give Compliments that Encourage Intimacy.”

Find out how to compliment your man in a way that will bring him closer to you.

Because just saying something sincere and kind isn’t enough, here’s some advice that will take your compliments to the next, sexier level.

Like Narcissus in the lake before us, we’re more likely to love someone because of the reflection of ourselves we see mirrored in their eyes.

What a fucking annoying way of explaining that people are self-obsessed and like to be flattered. And it doesn’t even make sense! Narcissus is so obsessed with himself he misses that Echo is in love with him and instead gets so transfixed by his reflection that he stays there forever like a jackass. Compliments are about being seen by someone else and feeling rewarded that they see something special in you. And then you get so transfixed you stay with them forever, and hopefully you are not a jackass.

So what can you do to keep your man transfixed (sorry guys, this is super obviously geared at the laides!)?

1. Don’t Lie 

Hold the phones. You mean I shouldn’t be making shit up to get him to love me? So even if he doesn’t smell good or doesn’t know how to make a grilled cheese correctly, I shouldn’t tell him he does? But what if that’s the reflection I want him to see in my eyes?

However, don’t be too harsh in your criticism. Colado explains, “Nothing will make a man jump out of bed faster than saying in a nasty voice, ‘Don’t do that, do this!”

I agree completely, but this is leaving out some other very important advice. If he isn’t doing something the way you like, you also shouldn’t punch him in the face, knee him in the balls, belittle his friends and family, reduce him to tears by insulting his sexual prowess or yawn really loudly.

Instead, a positive spin should be put on the situation! Tell him what you like instead of what isn’t working. “I like it when you eat fondue seductively for me,” is more effective than, “I think it’s disgusting when you take a dump on my chest.”

2. Emphasize his masculinity

When you’re in bed together, he wants to feel like the only man on the planet.

Fuck balls. Guess all along I should have been incorporating zombie apocalypse foreplay into sex. “You’re the last man alive as all of the zombies only hunger for the brains of men. Somehow you were able to escape their bloodthirsty, mindless pursuit. And now it’s time for us to make love.”

Or apparently I can just say this:

 “When I am with you, you make me feel like a woman,” because, as Colado notes, “men love women to be women.”

Wait wait wait. Hold the phones. You mean to tell me that if I pulled a penis out when he was expecting a vagina he might not be happy? But you told me telling him, “Don’t do that, do this!” in a nasty voice was what would make him jump out of bed the fastest. There are too many rules! I don’t understand what men want from me!

I also have a feeling the translation to this is actually: “When I am with you, you make me feel like I want to bake cookies, serve you sandwiches, quit my job and pop out baby after pooping baby while you bring home the bacon. When I’m not with you I feel so masculine, like I could just build a house or learn about the stock market.”

3. Show your Appreciation

This one is basically just, “Compliment him in bed but not too much or he won’t believe you.” Make sure to be very calculated with your compliments and never give them spontaneously!

Oh wow, that was the last one. I thought there’d be at least a solid 5 in this baby. So I’ve learned not to lie but also not to compliment too much, not to yell at him if I want him to do something differently, and to make sure to make him feel like a man by reminding him that I am a woman and that I feel this way when I am with him (as opposed to feeling I am something else I suppose). I also learned not to bring up other men in bed BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE HAD NO IDEA THAT HE WANTS TO FEEL LIKE ALL MY ATTENTION IS ON HIM!.