Cheetos Are Actually Still a Thing in This Book: The Host Chapters 27 & 28

In case anyone forgot, Matt and I have changed how we do our posts on The Host. Matt will be writing about the next two chapters tomorrow instead of making you read about Jeb’s cave tours ‘n’ chores or Jared’s angry Cheetos eating or Wanderer’s fucking stories over and over again. I think those are the only things that happen in this book.

Previously, all those things I just mentioned happened. Except the angry Cheetos eating. Jared, however, returned from his most recent raid to find Melerer was popular among the other cave dwellers. This did not please Jared, and he yelled a lot, wanted to kill Melerer, and then stormed off angrily to some other location in the cave. I can only assume he’s headed to the local cave bar to drink himself silly and angrily drink a beer and eat a burger.

Chapter 27: Undecided

We open with Melerer (is Melanie even here anymore? Is it just Wanderer? I don’t fucking know anymore) being a martyr yet again. She tells us that when Jared is in the cave, her prison is where she belongs. Cry me a river, you lame-ass angst machine.

She can’t get back to her prison because there are boxes there. But  Meyer can’t just tell us that the room is being used for storage now. No, she has to act like it’s a bigger mystery than why we’re here on planet earth.  I usually try to spare you guys this shit, but I need you to understand just how long Meyer drags this “mystery” out for.  Just kidding, you guys. I was going to put the whole part in here, but my word count went from 250 to 760. Yup. LET THAT SINK IN! Here are just a couple examples of the ridiculousness of this situation.

In the same moment that my fingers brushed the rough edge at the top of the hole, my foot hit an obstacle and I stumbled, falling to my knees. I threw my hands out to catch myself, and they landed with a crunch and a crackle, breaking through something that wasn’t rock and didn’t belong here.

The sound startled me; the unexpected object frightened me. Perhaps I’d made a wrong turn and wasn’t anywhere near my hole. Perhaps I was in someone’s living space.

…

Stymied, I explored with my hands, moving back out into the hall. I found I could go no deeper down the passageway; it was entirely filled with the mysterious cardboard squares.

As I hunted along the floor, trying to understand, I found something different from the crowd of boxes. It was rough fabric, like burlap, a sack full of something heavy that shifted with a quiet hissing sound when I nudged it. I kneaded the sack with my hands, less alarmed by the low hiss than by the plastic crackle— it seemed unlikely that this sound would alert anyone to my presence.

Melerer realizes there is food here, which leads to this:

Many thoughts ran through my head at once.

First, I realized that I was surrounded by food. Not just rough bread and weak onion soup, but food. Somewhere in this stack, there could be peanut butter. Chocolate chip cookies. Potato chips. Cheetos.

No, Meyer, fuck you. You’re not allowed to be in on the Cheetos joke. We’re laugh at you, not with you!

Melerer discuss whether or not they should die quickly or try to stay alive for Jamie. My vote is for quickly! Like right now.

Matthew says:

In addition to Meyer trying to get in on our joke about Cheetos, Melanie tries to get in on our joke about how Wanderer’s character motivations in this book make absolutely no sense. Melanie suggests fighting their way out (which is also ridiculous, but we’re making fun of Wanderer, here; wait your turn, Melanie), and Wanderer refuses because the Souls are so opposed to violence. Melanie points out that nobody has any idea what the fuck the Souls do stand for:

I don’t get you, Wanda. You’ve given up on your species entirely, you’re ready to die for my brother, you’re in love with the man I love who is going to kill us, and yet you won’t let go of customs that are entirely impractical here.

Hell, it also takes her 500 words to figure out a room is filled with food. Let’s not forget that one.

Jamie finds Melerer. She asks what everyone else is doing, and he’s really evasive, saying everyone is busy. Jared of course shows up and gets violent with Melerer again. But it’s okay! Domestic violence is fine because it’s an alien invasion, you guys. It’s a really weird scene where Jared keeps “roaring” at Jamie to stay away from “it” and then when Melerer steps in to stop Jared from grabbing Jamie, she gets shoved against walls and stuff. A man truly worth loving.

One good thing that comes from this is that Jaime punches Jared in the face! And makes his nose bleed and everything! Yay! So they leave the scene with Jared calling after Jamie that he’s sorry. See? He’s not all bad, guys.

Melerer is exhausted after this, so she falls asleep on some bags of rice, as you do.

Chapter 28: Unenlightened

When Melerer wakes up in the morning, Jamie is there, and he assures her that Jared is going to leave her alone. But when will he fall back in love with her, you guys? I just can’t wait! Jamie tries to get Melerer to go to breakfast, but she’s not sure it’s the right call.

Mel? Is this best?

I don’t know. She was torn . She knew she couldn’t be objective; she wanted to see Jared.

That’s crazy, you know.

Not as crazy as the fact that you want to see him, too.

Jamie and Melerer head to the dining hall, and no one is really there. They are all clearly discussing what to do with Melerer, but Jamie keeps acting Shady. As does the woman who serves them eggs. Melerer again tries to be a martyr and says that Jared and the other’s didn’t risk their lives so that she could eat their eggs. So Jamie convinces her to eat eggs, and now I’m hungry for eggs.

Matthew says:

The exact. Same. Fucking. Thing happens during lunch. It’s a lot shorter, but still, the hunger strikes to other things that happen ratio in this chapter is a little ridiculous.

Things get a little weird in an interesting way. The few other people in the cafeteria are crying and looking depressed. Even people like Sharon who still supposedly hate Melerer. We still don’t find out what’s going on by the end of the chapter, though Ian keeps saying that things are going to go back to normal. He and Melerer have a conversation about how Melanie is still present in the body. It’s basically a regurgitation of  information we already know – how hosts don’t normally go into adult bodies since they pose more problems now that humans are aware of what’s going on. Anyway, Ian is also upset that Jared hurt her. So it’s getting closer to a romance with them?

Matthew says:

Yeah, I want them to have the most uncomfortable make-out ever already.

The chapter ends with Jared being creepy.

“I know it’s with you,” Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and the main plaza would hear. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he called, his voice hard and mocking.

I really hate this guy. Am I supposed to be falling in love with him along with Melerer? Cause I’m not.