Ariel’s been enjoying her “Bad Romance Advice, Good Times” feature, and I’ve been thinking, “Gee, there has to be some horrible type of articles people write on the internet that I, too, can bring to our blog readers and mock mercilessly.” And then I was hanging out with a friend and we discovered the sandwiches category of WikiHow.
I’m going to start where my friend and I started, and introduce you to the salty horror that is the potato chip sandwich.
What The Fuck?
You know those kids in elementary school who ate their potato chips at lunch before they ate their sandwich? I guess this is what happens when those people take that to an extreme weirdly resentful of sandwiches. “Not only am I going to eat my chips before my sandwich,” they might say today, only technically a grown up. “But I am going to make the chips the sandwich.” It is the ultimate slap in the face to the sandwich.
And I don’t know how exactly the ads on WikiHow work, if they’re determined by metadata and analytics and… stuff on the user (in which case, this is awkward) or from the people who frequent the page most, but the ad I got accompanying this article is a hilarious, sad, and hilariously sad sign.
Ingredients
Let’s get into the meat of this sandwich. Or, uh, something.
Potato chips, plain or flavored
Makes sense. In context.
Ketchup
Just in case there isn’t enough salt in this thing.
2 slices of bread
The only thing actually making this a sandwich
Optional toppings/flavorings (butter, mayo, malt vinegar, etc)
I realize it says “optional”, but let’s think about the person making this sandwich. Are we really going to put it past them to think, “Why, yes, I do enjoy the simultaneous flavors of potato chips, ketchup, and mayonnaise. Bring it forth!” And butter? Is the butter just spread on the bread on the ketchup? Hopefully the instructions can shed some light on this. I’m just not seeing it.
Steps
Put two pieces of bread side by side. Put the slices on a plate or onto a clean countertop.
I’m not going to criticize this one, actually. Think about the person who gives so few shits about his/her health that they are making a potato chip sandwich. They definitely need a reminder to do this on a clean surface. They need all the help they can get.
Spread a little butter evenly on both pieces of bread. Or, if you prefer, use ketchup (tomato sauce) instead.
Wait, I thought butter was the optional one? WHAT’S GOING ON.
Put the potato chips on top of one piece of bread. Plain potato chips are ideal, but you can use any favorite flavor.
They have chicken-flavored potato chips. If you use those, I guess you have something like a chicken sandwich, but for people with a much shorter life expectancy.
You can enhance your potato chip sandwich by adding regular sandwich fixings. Try such additions as: ham, turkey, luncheon meat or vegetables like lettuce and tomato.
Oh, sure, now you tell us this is an option.
Put the other piece of bread on top of the potato chip layer. Press down a bit to crush the crisps.
Presumably this would be the last step, because you have two pieces of bread with stuff in between them, and therefore sandwich. But no.
Cut the sandwich in half.
Okay, fair enough, I guess. Now are we d-
Enjoy with a cold can of soda or any other preferred beverage.
Okay, the video is five and half minutes long. I’m not watching that.
Tips
The potato chips give that extra “crunch” to an ordinary sandwich.
Also that extra heart attack.
Substitute mayonnaise (regular or vegan) for the ketchup, or use a dash of malt vinegar or other tangy flavoring such as sprinkle of Chaat Masala, if desired
Chaat Masala? Dude, you have seriously miscalculated your audience.
Be careful when eating this, Potato chips can cut your mouth when eating them in a sandwich.
You’re already eating a potato chip sandwich. “Care” is not among your chief concerns.
Fruit could be a good option to choose as a side to have with your sandwich.
I’m pretty sure this would be the side to the fruit.
Horrifying Statistic
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 26,954 times.
Almost twenty-seven thousand people have read this. I wonder how many have died.
No, Seriously, What The Fuck?
But here’s my favorite part of the article. The photography is gorgeous.
Look at that! The lighting is beautiful! The framing of the shot is perfect! Hell, even the creativity in the shot is several cuts above, you know, the sandwich. They didn’t half-ass the visual for the “put ketchup on bread” step. That is someone in the process of putting ketchup on a piece of bread. Seriously, the photography in this article is so great it actually makes this sandwich look good! Okay, it doesn’t do that, but the photography is really good.
So what’s going on here? Is it an elaborate joke, juxtaposing high quality craftsmanship with low quality cuisine? Is it a gifted photographer with terrible culinary tastes?
The world may never know.
Matthew Didn’t Eat This But Here’s A Rating Anyway
Five heart attacks out of five.