So this week’s scene is actually the second half of the last one. As soon as Mark left I was all, “Hooray! I’m done! THANK GOD.” And then this week I resumed the video and realized I didn’t actually finish the scene. Whoops. The scene actually enters Roof of Feelings Part 2: Roof Feelings Boogaloo when Mark pushes past him and Denny gestures an entirely too genuine confusion for the movie’s own good.
Denny asks Johnny what’s wrong with Mark, to which Johnny says, “I don’t know! He’s cranky today!” and laughs, because “cranky” is definitely the inference to make about the mood of someone who started up a conversation about women cheating and being evil.
Denny confirms that he and Johnny are still going to see a movie that night. Tommy Wiseau can’t resist trying to even make this deep:
Denny: What kind of movie are we gonna see?
Johnny: Well, we’ll see… (pauses, tisks) Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right!
Yep, Johnny definitely comes across as lovable and stoic and not kind of a dick for making plans with a friend and then openly admitting he doesn’t actually have any plans.
I’d also like you to appreciate the awkward transition in that clip. Not only does this movie have awkward dialogue and awkward staging (“Let’s toss the ball around!” *characters stand six feet from each other*), but getting from one to the other takes us into exponential awkward. Awkward + Awkward = Awkward!
Anyway, it’s time for Denny’s Roof Feelings. Spoiler: Denny also has feelings about Lisa, because everyone’s feelings are always about Lisa. When they’re not about Johnny.
Denny: I gotta tell you something.
Johnny: Shoot… (visibly pauses to think of character’s name) Denny.
Denny: It’s about Lisa.
Dramatic music begins playing, properly conveying the dramatic twist of the moment. Denny elaborates.
Denny: She’s beautiful.
Really? I don’t think we’d ever heard anyone say that before.
Denny: She looks great in her red dress.
Well, now you’re just clearly making things up, Denny.
Because Tommy Wiseau is still not done trying to sell that Lisa is ultra-desirable, Denny goes for broke:
Denny: I think I’m in love with her.
Now, it’s probably fair to point out that the ambiguously 15-35 year old Denny probably isn’t a serious threat to Johnny like Mark is, but it’s still worth pointing out that while Johnny will angrily suspect Mark of Lisa-related “secrets” over basically any line of dialogue, if it’s instead Denny openly admitting love for Lisa, Denny reverts back to zen master “I didn’t really make movie plans lol” Johnny.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her that I love her. I dunno. I’m just confused.
Johnny: (smiles) Denny! Don’t worry about that! Lisa loves you too.
What.
Johnny: As a person.
Oh.
Johnny: As a friend.
We got it, Johnny.
Johnny: As a human bean.
Johnny, just stop.
Johnny: You know, people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.
Wait, how did this go from “Don’t worry about your crush on my fiance” to “My fiance just likes you as a friend” to “My fiance likes you as a person”? At this rate, Johnny’s just a few sentences away from “My fiance doesn’t, you know, hate you. I mean, not openly.”
Tommy Wiseau continues to not really know what he wants the movie’s theme to be.
Johnny: If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Is this the same movie that has “Can you ever really trust anyone?” on the front of the DVD?
A relieved, but still surprised, Denny asks if Tommy really isn’t mad at him, prompting Tommy to explain that Denny is part of their family, and they love him very much.
Johnny: And Lisa loves you too. You are sort of… like her son.
Denny: You mean, you’re not upset with me?
Johnny: No! Because I trust you, and I trust Lisa.
I like how in the father figure scenes with Denny, Johnny completely forgets that the main plot of the movie is how Lisa’s increasingly obvious affair is ruining his life.
Johnny: What about Elizabeth, huh?
Denny: (smiles) Well…
Wait, who the fuck is Elizabeth?
Denny: I love her.
WHO THE FUCK IS ELIZABETH? Weren’t you just declaring your love for Lisa? Like a minute ago?
Denny: When I graduate college-
HOW FUCKING OLD IS DENNY?
Denny: I wanna marry her and have kids with her.
WHO THE FUCK IS ELIZABETH?
Johnny: That’s the idea!
WHAT IDEA? Denny went from in love with his father figure’s fiance and/or mother figure to wanting to marry some other girl he apparently completely forgot he was involved with in two minutes and twenty seconds. No, seriously, I counted. This is the fastest rebound in the history of time, and that’s not even counting the negative time from him already knowing the other girl.
Denny: Thanks for paying my tuition.
Seems like as good a time as any to bring that up, really.
Johnny and Denny walk away, smiling, arms around shoulders.
This is probably what Johnny is supposed to be saying.
Johnny: Let’s go eat, huh?
But it really sounds like:
Johnny: Let’s go eat HANH.
And thus they depart to go consume whatever you envision “hanh” to be.
Does this make Lisa the Mary Sue of ‘The Room’?
Weirdly, Johnny is the Mary Sue, and he is one of the Mary Sueiest Mary Sues of all time.