Fifty Shades of Grey Movie News Roundup

Lately, Matthew and I have been stumbling upon or being linked to a bunch of really fantastically hilarious articles about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and its stars. [Matthew says: Or, rather, our friends have been stumbling upon them, and posting them to our Facebook.] We present to your our favourites below:

1) The stars apparently hate each other.

Whether or not Dornan and Johnson hate each other is debatable, but based on their constant “get the fuck away from me” posture while in each other’s company, it really appears like they do. What is one hundred percent sure, however, is that their on-screen chemistry is equal to the chemistry of a couple of unboiled hot dogs. Without the unboiled hot dogs’ inherent sexiness.

[Matthew says: This is my absolute favorite thing. If this movie absolutely has to exist, it better at least have the decency of not being able to do a single thing that a movie needs to do correctly. Although to be fair to these two, I suppose I’d hate anyone involved with making this movie too.]

2) Jamie Dornan thinks Fifty Shades isn’t misogynistic, but he completely misses the point.

Jamie Dornan doesn’t believe that Fifty Shades of Grey is misogynistic, suggesting that too much focus has been given to the BDSM elements in the books and the upcoming film and that in reality more men are submissives.

People who have given real thought to this (like a certain someone who wrote her whole dissertation on this for some reason) would argue that BDSM is obviously not what makes this book misogynistic, and BDSM is in it for like 2 pages, really. It’s the fact that Christian is a controlling fuck-nut that turns this into a misogynistic train-wreck as opposed to just a train-wreck.

3) Jamie Dornan was worried he’d be murdered by rabid fans.

“I almost don’t want to put this out there into the ether, but I fear I’ll get murdered, like John Lennon, by one of those mad fans at the premiere,” he told Details magazine.

“Because a lot of people are very angry that I’m playing this character. And I’m a father now, and a husband. I don’t want to die yet.”

I know I shouldn’t laugh, but on one level how hilarious would that be? Sad and tragic, but with a nice side dish of funny. Also, did he really need to justify why he wasn’t ready to die yet? Also also, John Lennon would definitely not be thrilled that Jamie Dornan is playing Christian Grey, and is probably in heaven not wanting anything to do with this article. [Matthew says: This is the weirdest karma ever for John Lennon’s “bigger than Jesus” thing.]

4) Our friends pointed out to us that there are loads of inanimate objects with more chemistry than Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. I like this one because it feels like it should have been a guest post on BBGT.

Based on their appearance at the Golden Globes, it seems like the two stars are not attracted to each other, probably don’t even like each other, and have the sexual chemistry of two unsalted saltines dunked in milk and smooshed together.

This one has a very nifty slide show. Using the word nifty here reminded me, there’s a restaurant I like called Nifty Fifties that’s a fifty’s themed diner (as in the time period). They should rebrand for the Fifty Shades movie release. Hire me as your marketing director, Nifty Fifties, you won’t regret it! [Matthew says: Although you might regret your new clientele.]

5) Jamie Dornan talks about his balls. Yeah, I know most of these have been very Jamie Dornan focussed, but he just keeps coming up.

Your dignity is intact as much as it’s all tucked away in a little flesh-colored bag … As a guy you put all your essentials in a little bag and you tie it up like a little bag of grapes and it’s tucked away. It’s quite a peculiar thing to do every day.

You don’t even really need to click the link, the entire “article” was basically devoted to that quote. Mind you, this was apparently his answer to a question along the lines of, “What was it like to film the sex scenes,” so I have very valid reasons to believe playing Christian Grey has caused this man to descent into madness. [Matthew says: Lo, just as Charlie Hunnam hadst writ.]

Any hilarious bits of news you’ve found that we missed?