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So as you all probably know, Grey isn’t simply a retelling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian’s perspective, it’s also a re-imagining of the Terminator franchise in which a concerned robot from the future travels back in time to stop this madness from ever taking place.
What’s really worth noting is that each chapter is a date. So we can definitively prove that this book takes place over a fucking month and mock the timeline more accurately than ever before!
Grey Chapter 1: Monday, May 9, 2011
Because the only way to understand a tortured man is to be privy to his nightmares (we learned that thanks to famous romantic leads like Gideon Cross and Four!), we open with Christian dreaming he couldn’t reach his favourite car under the sofa while his mother stares blankly at a wall and calls him “maggot.” It’s very brief and just serves to remind us that Christian is without a doubt fifty shades of fucked up!
[Matthew says: What’s especially worth mentioning (aside from how the book kicks off by saying “IT IS MAY 9, 2011” and then very obviously going into a flashback from not-May 9, 2011, which is sort of confusing, is how E L James figured this was the best way to kick off the book that is her highly-awaited opus:
I have three cars. They go fast across the floor. So fast. One is red.
The best part is I totally read through “I have three cars. They go fast” and didn’t realize this was not adult Christian Grey.]
Christian wakes up and shakes off the dream, which he can’t remember. Gosh, he is so tortured and sexy because he can’t confront his issues!
Still channeling its inner Crossfire [Matthew says: And Walking Disaster!], Grey introduces (or re-introduces?) a minor character. Meet Bastille, who Christian talks about for like twenty fucking minutes and yet I have 0 recollection of his name ever cropping up before:
My thoughts stray to the day. I’ve nothing but meetings, though I’m seeing my personal trainer later for a workout at my office— Bastille is always a welcome challenge.
Why do both these series think we want to get to know the characters’ personal trainers so badly? [Matthew says: BECAUSE MEN. MANLY MEN. If they weren’t in the gym with a personal trainer, how we would know where they rank on the manly man scale?]
In the next scene, Christian and “Claude Bastille” are on the phone, and he’s trying to convince Christian to play golf with him. BUT CHRISTIAN GREY HATE GOLF. CHRISTIAN NO WANT TO PLAY GOLF. See, you are getting the full, 360 experience of all the things that annoy or anger Christian. Whereas before you might have mistakenly believed that there were things in life that didn’t make him angry.
Bastille is the only one who can beat me, and now he wants another pound of flesh on the golf course. I detest golf, but so much business is done on the fairways, I have to endure his lessons there, too… and though I hate to admit it, playing against Bastille does improve my game.
I feel like the stakes shouldn’t be this high for your personal workout. If your trainer wants another ‘pound of flesh’ maybe you should re-think your hiring decisions. [Matthew says: If friggin’ golf makes you think of things in terms of “pounds of flesh”… yeah, golf is about that maddening.]
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When Ana is being buzzed into Christian’s office, he fills us in on the fact that he’s done business with Kate’s father in the past and this interview was a favour to her dad (again, was this ever mentioned before? I feel like this should have come up when he finally does meet Kate?) He also says he was very interested in meeting her to see if she was like her father. Again, in the other books he seems completely indifferent to Kate/had no idea who she was.
Anyway, Ana comes crashing into his office in that classic scene where she falls right away. Good times!
Clear, embarrassed eyes meet mine and halt me in my tracks. They are the most extraordinary color, powder blue, and guileless, and for one awful moment, I think she can see right through me and I’m left…exposed. The thought is unnerving so I dismiss it immediately.
I just don’t think that’s the kind of look that actually exists, let alone when someone is just embarrassed for falling on the floor. Like she’s just thinking, “Wow, I wish I hadn’t just fallen to the floor”, and he’s like, “Oh my god, she can see into my soul.”
During the interview, we’re mostly treated to Christian Grey’s inner Johnny Bravo. Though he’s only met Ana 30 seconds ago, he manages to refer to her as “baby” and “sweetheart” every time he thinks of an answer to her questions. It happens eight times during this chapter alone, and from reading ahead it seems that it carries on throughout the book.
Here is a short montage of some of these moments:
- She gapes at me, and I resist rolling my eyes. Yeah, yeah, baby, it’s just a face, and it’s only skin deep.
- “S-Sorry, I’m not used to this.
I can tell, baby, but right now I don’t give a damn because I can’t take my eyes off your mouth. - “Control” is my middle name, sweetheart.
- Her mouth pops open at my response. That’s more like it. Suck it up, baby.
“Suck it up, baby” is to this book what “laters, baby” was to Fifty Shades of Grey. [Matthew says: Until, you know, “laters, baby” shows up. Because it’s the same stupid book.]
One of the things I find really odd about this scene is that it feels like Christian is trying really hard to convince us how attractive Ana is. One second, he’s like, “She’s so bookish and has no sense of style…but she’s kind of pretty.” Then later, “She actually is really attractive in a super boring kind of way that I can’t resist.” [Matthew says: Then later, it’s “I wish I could spank her! Slappity slappity!” More or less.]
I was actually hoping they’d eventually get really fucking weird, and he’d say something like, “She’s so gorgeous in like the way a chicken nugget is gorgeous when you’re drunk and hungry and it’s right in front of you, and also the chicken nugget has no fashion sense. I must have her.” Just because then I’d sort of like Christian for being a weirdo.
Dumb things continue to annoy Christian because that is the most consistent part of his character to the point where it is actually his defining character trait:
“Do you feel that you have immense power?” she asks in a soft, soothing voice, but she arches a delicate brow with a look that conveys her censure. Is she deliberately trying to goad me? Is it her questions, her attitude, or the fact that I find her attractive that’s pissing me off? My annoyance grows.
I feel like he’s reading way to into this. “Attitude” would imply personality, but all that’s ever going on in Ana’s head is her subconscious reading a book while her inner goddess dances around like a moron.
Christian fantasises about fucking/flogging Ana the entire interview. It’s actually so rude! At one point, he basically says, “She can tell I’m pissed at her terrible questions, and it gives me a huge boner that she knows that.” Why does he love when she knows he’s pissed? Why does he love being angry and irritated all the time? THE BOOK IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS FOR ME, NOT RAISING MORE.
Even creepier, when she’s fumbling with her recorder at the start he says,
“I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop.”
And at another point,
Yes, her mouth needs training, and I imagine her on her hands and knees before me.
I don’t even know how he’s hearing any of her questions over the sound of his inner perv.
[Matthew says: And even when he’s not being a total perv, E L James finds other ways for him to sound inexplicably weird:
“I have a love of ships. What can I say?” They transport food around the planet.
And incredibly wooden.]
He also continues to jump to stupid conclusions about Ana based on nothing:
The girl is a mass of contradictions: shy, awkward, obviously bright [Note: He thinks she’s bright because she says that the painting in his office ‘raises the ordinary to extraordinary. Like the most bland observation ever is how he determined her level of intelligence.], and arousing as hell.
In what way are any of those contradictions? It would be like saying “all of these things are food” and then just naming the cast members of It’s Always Sunny.
And then we combine jumping to odd conclusions with his criticism of Ana’s fashion style, thus bringing everything full circle:
“You sound like the ultimate consumer.” Her voice is tinged with disapproval, pissing me off again.
“I am.”
She sounds like a rich kid who’s had all she ever wanted, but as I take a closer look at her clothes— she’s dressed in clothes from some cheap store like Old Navy or H&M – I know that isn’t it. She hasn’t grown up in an affluent household.
1) How does this sound like Ana’s a rich kid? 2) Why is Christian Grey talking about Old Navy and H&M?
[Matthew says: There’s actually one more weird thing that Christian does not once, but TWICE during this scene, and it’s… quoting “my favorite industrialist”, Andrew Carnegie. I shit you not, this happens twice, because the only way we could have understood Christian Grey better is knowing how often he thinks about Andrew Carnegie.]
After Ana finishes asking the bland and/or weird interview questions that we all know so well (like “are you gay?”), this convinces Christian that he simply must have her as his submissive. I guess ’cause she blushes and stutters every three seconds, he think’s it’s basically her destiny.
Speaking of the infamous “are you gay” question, Christian’s inner answer is extreme:
I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.
So would a simple, “No.” [Matthew says: Because a thing that we apparently have to do in best-selling novels in 2015 is not state that the main character isn’t gay, but state that he’s so not gay that he’d sexually assault the first woman who walked into his office who dared to wonder about it. ROMANCE.]
As the interview draws to a close, Christian tells his assistant to cancel his next meeting so he can keep talking to Ana.
I turn my attention back to the intriguing, frustrating creature on my couch.
I still don’t understand what she’s done that’s so intriguing or frustrating? She’s been so bland that if I hadn’t read a book in her point of view, i would have forgotten she was in the room. She just reads Kate’s questions off a piece of paper! And blushes! [Matthew says: The best part is that we can READ literally everything she’s actually doing, and read that the only frustrating parts are fantasies that he’s building entirely in his head. Like, it’s right there.]
So Christian starts asking Ana about herself, and the answers are so basic it hurts to read. All she says is that she’s trying to finish her finals and not sure what she’s doing after graduation. So sexy! So submissive!
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Christian is concerned that she’s driving all the way home tonight:
I glance out the window. It’s one hell of a drive, and it’s raining. She shouldn’t be driving in this weather, but I can’t forbid her. The thought irritates me.
Everything irritates Christian. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t know any other feeling in the world. Isn’t it exhausting to be that annoyed all the time? I really hope at one point in this book, EL James just has Christian write down a list of things that don’t annoy him. I dare you to even try to name one thing, because I can’t.
During the whole meeting, Ana is just completely bland. We knew that from the first book, but because we were in her head we were supposed to be rooting for her. In this, it makes even less sense why Christian becomes fucking obsessed with her from this interview. Also, are we worried Ana has a skin condition? How the fuck can she blush so much?
[Matthew says: As Ana leaves his office and he puts her coat on her, we can also see just how incredibly/worryingly he reads into things.
I hold [her jacket] up for her, and as I pull it over her slim shoulders, I touch the skin at the base of her neck. She stills at the contact and pales.
Yes! She is affected by me.
Maybe because a strange, creepy man is touching her skin? Also, if you’re actually reading this book, I suggest you begin a drinking game where you drink every time Christian says “affect”. Or not, because you’ll be dead by the next chapter.]
The chapter ends with Christian ordering a background check on Ana, because he setting the bar extremely high for what romance means is these modern times.
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Danny Devito. Kaitlin Olson. Charlie Day. All of these things are food.
Somehow, this makes more sense. I guess because, arguably, they could all be food. You just need to use your imagination a little bit … maybe catch up on Hannibal or something… I’m sorry, it’s late.
And now that we have officially entered the mind of Christian Grey, he honestly just sounds like an immature and stereotypical sex-obsessed frat boy who has, in reality, had very little real sex.
Also, nitpick: the eye on the cover isn’t all that gray. I just really needed to point that out.
Speaking of Hannibal, I haven’t enjoyed it very much this season. And I was like SO excited for it to return. I’ll keep going with it because I think it’ll pick up again, but idk, what are your thoughts?
I hadn’t considered the Christian-as-frat-boy angle. I think frats would probably annoy him, because if you just assume something would annoy Christian, you’re almost certainly right. It’s weird, with the sex stuff he comes across as just so creepy/rapey, but with his attitude on work he comes across like SUCH a fucking bro.
I sort of agree. I still enjoy it, but it’s not the same as before. Mostly, they’ve been cranking up the arty imagery and it’s been VERY slow. And look, I like beautiful visuals of gore as much as the next guy, but I need more plot progression, dammit!
Now I obviously haven’t seen the rest of the season (so I don’t know if it will ever get a much-needed burst of energy later on), but it does not seem like a season of television compatible with weekly airings. I have a sneaking suspicion it might be better to binge-watch the entire thing within a short span of time (so it’s more like a long-ass movie) than watching only one episode per week.
Oh god, and I think the reason I think Frat Bro so much while reading this is his continued use of “baby” and “sweetheart,” like he just “knows” what he’s saying (or thinking, in this case) is just so GOSH DARN SEXY.
Hannibal has been canceled!
I’m not sure how I feel – I’m expecting the season to get better, but maybe it doesn’t. But it seems a shame to cancel it when there’s so much potential there 🙁
I think you’re right, Dana, in that this show is better when you binge watch because that’s how I watched the last two seasons, and I liked doing it that way a lot.
Yeah, that’s actually how I watched the first two seasons two too. I’m not used to waiting. And commercials.
Regardless, I’m still hoping the series will be picked up by someone else (Even if it’s Amazon Prime… which I don’t have). I actually really liked last night’s episode. It felt more like the first episode of the season, and was only pretending to be episode 4.
He is such a sleezeball. I think the main take away here is this: E.L. James was given a chance to reply to every single criticism lobbed against her work. She had the chance to prove wrong everyone who said that this relationship was abusive or non-consensual. Instead, she proves that Christian is actually WORSE than we thought. He is essentially contemplating raping Ana in his office because she is mildly annoying. Really – if you think about this, how absolutely vomitous is the idea that you’ve met with someone to discuss a professional matter and the entire time, in their head they are ignoring you and contemplating how that would sexually assault you. That’s not romantic – it is disgusting!
I have seen some mention that even previous fans are a bit weirded out by this (thank goodness!).
Seriousness aside – I love reading your reviews. You are both stupendous. Perhaps you should receive a Nobel Prize for contributions to ripping apart atrocious literature.
I was about to write “Aw! Thanks, Honey!”, but then realized that had another meaning and would be awful
But really, thanks for enjoying the blog! And I KNOW RIGHT? I read a review today that pointed out how, after a half billion dollar movie and runaway success of the original books, how little ambition James and her publishers had with Grey.
No worries about the Honey bit. : )
It’s a big ole’ copy/paste job for a start. It’s as if we say ‘This is the worst thing ever written!’ and she thinks, ‘Hah! I’ll prove them wrong by publishing my Magnum Crapus, ‘Grey’!’
I found you guys looking for scathing reviews of the Disaster series (I was not disappointed). Then essentially power read through everything else. If you want another Jamie McGuire to critique I could suggest ‘Apolonia.’ It touts itself as sci fi new adult romance, but is….well….on par with her other work. A bit less abuse, bit more tenuous science.
Back to the topic at hand – looking forward to more Grey analysis!
For some reason I am even more excited by the fact that you found us looking for Disaster critiques than Fifty Shades ones. I fucking love writing about that series, like it’s just the most fun thing for me. We should be doing the next one at some point after this SO STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF THAT FINE FINE WORK. I am so up for doing more of her work as well, and sci-fi new adult romance sounds spectacular.
I agree completely about everything you’ve said but especially that this was her freaking chance to make us re-think Christian (I know, highly unlikely, but still). Like somehow we’d misunderstood all of his psychotic behaviour or at least we’d like him so much we’d forgive him (SO unlikely.) But instead it just makes everything so much worse. He’s not even interested in Ana herself at all – everything about her that he finds so intriguing or enigmatic, he’s invented in his head, and he’s too busy sexualising her non-stop to bother giving a shit about what she’s actually like. The one glimpse into her when she says what kind of books she likes during the chapter, he’s like, “THAT’S NOT GOOD. Those books are about romance!”
Yeah, right?! I kinda want to do a Jamie McGuire sci fi romance more than another Maddox book. BECAUSE JAMIE MCGUIRE SCI FI ROMANCE.
I will do the Maddox books without you if I have to. I will not let those precious gems go to waste. Need I remind you that this one has a beach engagement party?
I don’t know. Can there be a more terrible person that Travis Maddox? I feel like they’ll just be as bad as the first one, but somehow a lot more boring.
She has other books too… a paranormal series… a zombie apocalypse book…
McGuire’s commitment to creating “beautiful” literature truly knows no bounds.
You should definitely read Apolonia. It is terrible. The plot is very… well… it’s nonsense. You’d would love it. If you’re a fan of sci-fi then prepare to be disappointed!!
It was exciting for me too! I obsessively read them (your reviews) on my commute to and from work on my phone. When I listened to the books I was constantly rolling my eyes and guffawing, so I’m sure my coworkers thought I had some kind of eye/throat issue. I have this weird interest in finding terrible fiction, hating it, and then trying to find other people who also hate it. In my real life, no one seems to get it. I try to explain to people about these terrible books, and if anyone is willing to listen the response I usually get is ‘if you hate them, why do you read them?’ I’m sure you understand the pain!
The point about Christian’s thoughts on Ana’s love of the classics is a good point, actually. He is touted as being the modern day representation of these guys yet still thinks ‘eww! icky!!’ I guess it’s hard to pick up on personality traits when your female lead is written as a shell character, but come on. At least a little effort. At this point he doesn’t even like her (and I have a feeling this won’t change soon…). He is obsessed with dominating her, just because, even though there is no reason for these characters to have any chemistry. It baffles me that James didn’t take this as the opportunity to paint him as a forlorn classic hero as opposed to a post-modern douche.
Sorry, that got a bit rambling! It’s so nice to talk about this with people who understand the obsession to discuss terrible literature.
TOTALLY UNDERSTAND! There is just something about making fun of something terrible whether it’s a bad book or television program that just makes me laugh harder than anything. When I first met Matt, years before we started this blog, one of the first conversations we ever had was us just ripping apart Twilight before that became the most common thing on the internet besides porn.
You can hate something and take deep pleasure in hating it with other people. It’s why my friend just got me absolutely hooked on The Bachelorette this season.
Hahahaha I just can’t believe what a classic douche Christian is when I really thought James was going to try really hard to rebrand him and convince all of us haters he was actually as amazing as the fans fervently believe. Like fucking Gideon Cross is a bit more sympathetically written and he is horrendous.
I honestly think that’s why I go on these types of blogs. Seriously, none of my friends understand my interest in bad literature. They don’t get why I know so much about all these terrible books (including more obscure ones), or why I’m aware of all these ridiculously common and awful tropes/trends in popular literature. The most I can get out of them is a basic, “Oh, yeah. Fifty Shades of Grey. Pretty bad, right? Hey, want to get pizza?” My boyfriend doesn’t even read all that much, so I’d probably just bore him to death.
I feel like I’ve met some kindred spirits here. It makes me so happy to hear other people wanting to analyse why things are terrible and add a bit of comedy as well. It gives me the happy. : ) Any time 50S0G comes up, people don’t want to hear my speech on all of it’s terribleness. As you say, it’s essentially, ‘Yeah, it’s not real literature…moving on…’
Jamie makes me rage. Hard. Which isn’t at all what this thread is about but everytime I have the opportunity to make the point I take it.
I guess this “Grey” is giving out the same impression of Meyer’s “Midnight Sun” (Edward’s version of Twilight).
Both books tried to make fans understand the male leads, saying they had been probably misunderstood in the regular book… and both manage to give a creepier version of said male leads.
It’s not that readers misunderstood Edward or Christian. It’s just that they are creepy, full stop. “Grey” and “Midnight Sun” just shed some more light on their creepiness – because the one that came out from the other books wasn’t enough.
I had sort of forgotten about Midnight Sun, and I definitely didn’t realize that it made Edward even creepier, though I’m not surprised. I WATCH U WHEN U SLEEP, GURL.
I wonder if sitting down to write a book in Edward/Christian/Gideon’s point of view forced the authors to really confront the disgusting monsters they’d created because they couldn’t effectively put a different spin on these situations.
There’s a part on Midnight Sun where Edward just says “I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead…”
That’s a copy paste from the text. That’s after Bella tells Edward that Jacob told her about the vampire legend that runs among the tribe (legends that the younger members of the tribe just took as such, because they’d not yet began to turn into werewolves).
I know that Edward is a vampire and he loves to kill even though he tries to be “vegan”… but I guess there’s another way to express it…
Does this book cover all 3 of the trilogy or can we look forward to 2 more from his perspective?
It’s only the first one. I’m partially unsure if she’s going to write the other two, but given what a blatant cash grab this one is…
nope confirmed – http://hollywoodlife.com/2015/06/24/fifty-shades-darker-christian-grey-perspective-e-l-james-confirms/
Ffffffffffu-
You all will have to do this six times total then? Poor bastards. 🙁
I am committed to seeing this through to the very end. So even if we get a book set 20 years in the future, told from the perspective of Ana and Christian’s kid falling in love with Eva and Gideon’s kid, I will be there writing about it.
Oh man I’m so excited for this. I just read almost this entire post out loud to my husband because I couldn’t stop laughing. Absolute gold.
D’awww thank you! Hopefully we continue to make you laugh with these posts and not just despair over the fact that there are people out there that genuinely love them.
Is anyone else interested in seeing how the internal monologues of each character sound when read in conversation with each other? Like, interested enough to post a dramatic reading a few pages of this scene from both books on YouTube? It would probably deeply annoy Christian.
Still: need.
Anyway, you guys are doing God’s work. Thank you and carry on.
Hahahaha oh my gosh that would be amazing. When I have a chance, I may have to at least write the transcript of what this would look like when merged together.
Have you seen this article about Christian Grey talking about fashion on Styleite? http://www.styleite.com/features/all-the-times-christian-grey-described-fashion-like-a-total-loser/ I thought, if anyone, you guys should be able to appreciate it.
I can’t believe you are such gluttons for punishment that you’d go back for another round of E.L. James and her sorry excuse for literature. I’d like to start a petition to take away all of her pens.
Ahhhhh! He’s such a wanker! I can’t even imagine he would know what ‘chucks’ are, as he’s so posh and up his own ass. Just reading that, I want to punch him every time he opens his mouth. Why would you write this character as the HERO of your book!?!?!?!
That is a fantastic assembly of his fashion related quotes! The Old Navy/H&M one is definitely my favourite.
I refuse to believe those quotes were all real things from a book that actually exists.
“I have a love of ships. What can I say?” They transport food around the planet.
Like, somebody wrote that, and thought it was good? And then presumably an editor read it and agreed that was a line that needed to be included in the book? There’s a published, best-selling novel where someone says “I like boats because they transport food”?? Christian Grey is actually a psychotic 8 year old.
I know we don’t want to believe it’s true, but sadly it is 🙁
Hahahaha, every time I read that line it hits me again just how stupid it is. “I love cars because they transport new video games to my house!” Like boats do a lot more than that…lots of things transport food around the world…
Did E L James intentionally name Christian Grey’s trainer “Bastille” after the french prison that was stormed and set off the French Revolution? It’s honestly a ridiculous name either way, I just can’t even imagine what symbolism she was going for if it was intentional. That Christian worked out with Bastille and then the revolution of his love life started? And here I thought these books couldn’t get more ridiculous.
Maybe it was just after the band, to represent Christian’s super eclectic taste in music!
“Adult” Christian sounds exactly the same as child Christian. There is literally no further maturity in this person. Everything he does is a creepy derivative of a “toddler rule” – if I see it, it’s mine; if I want it, it’s mine; if I touch it, it’s mine; etc., etc. In a sexual context. FFS I hate this universe James created even more than I originally did. Every time I think I have hit rock bottom with this series, James throws me a shovel, opens a trapdoor, and hands me a one-way ticket to another circle of hell.
And that Johnny Bravo gif is everything.
I like cars. I like boats. Yup, checks out.
I get that he’s supposed to be emotionally stunted, but you’re right, he’s got a toddler mentality in a lot of ways, which is creepy.
What if James wrote the series for Taylor’s POV next? Or what if she pulled a Beautiful Oblivion and wrote the series about Kate and Christian’s brother titled, “Laters Baby”
Johnny Bravo gifs are drawn from a well of happiness that never dries up.
I just wanted to crawl out of the woodwork to leave this humble offering:
GREY: The Drinking Game
After getting my hands on a free PDF copy of the book, I created a drinking game to assuage the pain of wading through this dreck. I’m only on Chapter 3 so far, by the way. I think I’d rather eat pepper spray for dinner than reread this book if I ever finish it.
The drinking game is currently in open expansion so feel free to add anything you like to it. I’d be more thorough with what I add to it, but…gahhh. Eel James’ writing makes me want to vomit, but whether it’s out of disgust or sheer boredom, I can’t tell.
(Still better than Divergent, though. Words aren’t adequate to describe my loathing for that sorry excuse of a YA novel series.)
Oh nice! So excited to have a look at this 😀 We did drinking games for the first book and the movie, but I don’t know if I have it in me to do one for this series. We might be encouraging people to drink themselves to death at that point.
Fucking Divergent. At least these series are easier to laugh at – those books just put you to sleep.