There’s a new website called what-dog.net spreading through the internet right now, which attempts to identify the breed of a dog in any picture you give it. Naturally, the internet has unanimously decided to only upload photos of people with it to see what happens.
So you get the idea. I gave what-dog.net a photo of myself, it suggested I was a doberman pinscher. AND it gave me a fun little personality description! No complaints here!
Naturally, this meant I had to upload the entire cast of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Anastasia Steele
Seems about right. These could be E.L. James’ own character notes! Perhaps too easily, though, given…
Christian Grey
Oh, well, that didn’t last long. Gets along with everyone? Eager to please? That’s just about the opposite. Man, even the story itself would agree that “gentle” is right out.
Elliott Grey
Wait. What. What is going on here. Why are all the Greys the most universally loved dog? It’s like even what-dog.net is snarkily weighing in on how basic the romantic dreamboats of Fifty Shades are.
Kate Kavanagh
“Requires daily brushing”. You know what? No further comment.
José Rodriguez
I like how what-dog.net is doing a better job selling José as a legitimate contender for Ana’s love than Fifty Shades ever did. Strong muscular body? Smart? Waterproof coat? Sign me right the fuck up!
Well, now that we’ve gone through the major characters from the first movie (nope, don’t care about the parents or Rita Ora’s single line of dialogue). Let’s take a look at… the future.
Elena (aka “Mrs. Robinson”)
Kim Basinger has been cast as Elena, the older woman who seduced a teenage Christian Grey and introduced him to whatever the books think a BDSM lifestyle is. We could speculate on what we think of that casting decision, or we could just leave it up to what-dog.net
Man, even what-dog.net isn’t interested in Elena’s character. I guess “robust work ethic” makes as much sense as anything. I suppose it was a bit much to hope that we got a dog breed described as “dominant”.
Leila Williams
Fifty Shades Darker also brings in Bella Heathcote as Leila, Christian’s former submissive who becomes obsessed with him and then stalks Ana. But what does what-dog.net think?
Huh. The… same as Ana. That’s… kind of really accurate. Weirdly on-point criticism, what-dog.net
Jack Hyde
Fifty Shades Darker also introduces Eric Johnson as Jack Hyde, Ana’s new boss who seems nice at first, but attempts to seduce her because of a secret grudge against Christian Grey. Also, his name is actually fucking Jack Hyde, because symbolism is really hard. So, what does what-dog.net think of the casting choice for Christian Grey’s rival?
…no comment.