As a professional editor, let me tell you that the scariest part of One Day at HorrorLand for me so far is that “HorrorLand” is really stylized that way.
Chapter 6
This year’s Goosebumps has seemingly claimed its first victim: Luke’s friend Clay has not come out of the Doom Slide! Leaving the reader to ponder the implication that he truly did slide to his doom. Kind of feel like there was a less goofy ride we could have kicked this haunted amusement park story off with than “slide that is named ‘Doom Slide'”, but this is where we are.
“He’s sliding forever,” Luke said, shaking his head. “Sliding forever and ever on the Doom Slide.”
“That’s dumb,” I replied.
Your words, book.
I stared at the woman in the Horror costume. “You — you’re joking, right?” I stammered. “I mean, the Doom Slide — that’s just a joke.”
She stared back with her bulging yellow eyes and didn’t reply. “The signs give a warning,” she said. “There’s always a warning.”
Lizzy and Luke are unsettled and a little frightened, but outwardly skeptical. They decide they need to find Clay before they meet up with their parents again.
Also, because this is Goosebumps, there are a few hilariously bland descriptions of the “scary” things going on around them, totally forgetting to be scary:
Two Horrors were sweeping the plaza with push brooms, working side by side.
Can we take a second to appreciate how this almost totally unintentionally becomes some kind of minimal, absurdist art? It’s like a fucking Ingmar Bergman stage direction that accidentally wound up in the middle of this children’s horror novel.
Lizzy comes up with a plan that’s pretty bad even by Character In A Horror Story standards:
“We’ll follow him. We’ll take the same slide he took.”
“Slide number ten,” Luke murmured. And then he added in a solemn whisper, “The Doom Slide.”
God, I’m hoping the rest of the rides in this book have less stupid names. Wait, or do I? UGH. EVERY DAMN YEAR WITH YOU, GOOSEBUMPS.
Chapter 7
Lizzy builds up the horror.
There was no way I was going to enjoy this ride. I just wanted to get to the end of it.
Wow, that was the most I’ve ever related to a character in a book I’ve read for this blog.
We were sliding faster and faster, in total darkness, blacker than black. I tried to see if we were moving alongside the other slides. But it was so dark, I couldn’t even see my sneakers in front of me!
I was going to joke that this is a really weird detail to specify, but I forgot this was the 90s.
Goosebumps tries desperately to capture the horror of sliding forever:
- We should be at the bottom by now, I realized.
We’d been sliding a very long time. - The ride didn’t end.
- We’re going to slide forever.
- “Why are we sliding so long?”
And my personal favorite:
Was it daylight? Were we heading outside?
No.
Suddenly, the light is heading straight for a fire! Oh noooooo-
Chapter 8
The fire was behind us now. We had sailed right through it.
Every damn year with you, Goosebumps.
“Great special effects!” Luke cried. He let out a wild laugh, a frantic laugh I’d never heard before.
As much as we make fun of Goosebumps, I have to admit that at least it takes roughly 4000 fewer pages than The Shining does to get to the descent into madness.
The kids land on soft grass and end up in an incredibly groan-worthy fake-out:
A yellow-and-green sign on a wooden pole stood directly in front of us. It read: WELCOME TO DOOM. POPULATION: 0 HUMANS.
They find Clay, and neither of them admit how worried they were about what happened to him. Lizzy thinks they should go find their parents, but Luke thinks they should ride more rides, which have scary names like…
A sign over the path read: HORROR RAPIDS.
Are you fucking serious, Goosebumps? “Horror Rapids”?
HOUSE OF MIRRORS
DID YOU GIVE UP ALREADY?
Suddenly, I felt someone tap my shoulder.
Startled, I cried out and spun around.
It was a green-costumed Horror. His bulging eyes stared into mine as he leaned close to me. “Get away while you can!” he whispered.
He turned his eyes quickly from side to side, as if making sure no one was watching him. “Please — I’m serious! Get away while you can!”
Wow, this seems like notably unusual motivation from what we’ve seen so far, so I bet this will be a character who will stick around and-
Chapter 9
I watched him run off
Okay, or not. Turncoat Horror, you are terrible at being a turncoat.
Luke laughs it off as the park trying too hard to be scary, but Lizzy and Clay are a little more unnerved.
I started to tell Clay I was sure it was just a joke, but Luke interrupted. “Hurry up! Let’s check out the House of Mirrors. Let’s have some fun before Mom and Dad show up and make us leave.” […]
I stopped to read the yellow-and-green sign. It read: HOUSE OF MIRRORS. REFLECT BEFORE YOU ENTER. NO ONE MAY EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!
You already know what the scary thing is: Lizzy can’t find the way out. Come on, Goosebumps. This is what happens in normal houses of mirrors.
To my surprise, the floor in this room was a mirror. The walls, the ceiling, the floor — were all mirrors. I felt as if I were standing inside a mirrored box.
It. Is. A. House. Of. Mirrors. What. Were. You. Expecting.
Chapter 10
Lost in the house of mirrors, Lizzy gets deep.
HorrorLand was too scary, I decided.
It’s a children’s book. Wait for it.
It was fun to be scared. But it was too hard to tell whether the scares here were for fun — or for real.
Jk it’s another fake-out.
Then I heard a muffled giggle.
Then I heard whispering voices. Nearby.
Another giggle, louder this time. Luke’s giggle.
They had been playing a little joke on me. “Hey, you’re not funny!” I screamed angrily. “Really! Not funny!”
Lizzy tries to find them but still can’t navigate the house of mirrors. They wonder again if they’ll ever get out. Come on, Goosebumps, this was the scary thing one chapter ago. You can’t be out of ideas already!
I took a few steps closer to my brother, and Clay came into view. He was standing in deep shadows behind a glass wall, his hands pressed against the pane.
“How’d you get over there?” Luke asked Clay.
Clay shrugged. “I can’t find a way out.”
I moved toward my brother, then stopped. I suddenly realized that he was behind a wall of glass. Luke and I were in different rooms.
OOOOOO this is getting spooky!
Uttering a worried sigh, I leaned against the wall that separated Luke and me.
And as I leaned, the wall started to move.
I jumped back with a sharp cry.
The wall was sliding toward me, closing in on me.
I took another step back.
Glancing around frantically, I saw that all the walls were sliding in. […] All three of us were trapped. […] The box was closing in, growing smaller. Smaller.
“We’re going to be crushed!” I cried.
Come back next week to find out if they all die a third of the way into the book HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I read this book as an actual child and I remember feeling distinctly wobbly at the thought of a slide that went on forever. I would think of it every time I went down a covered slide.