Matthew went on holiday for what like a week and this is what happens on the blog? This is live footage of Matthew returning:
Calendar Girl (September) Chapter 4:
We open with Mia praying to God. We get the usual, “Hey, I don’t come here often, but uh, what’s up, God?” type comments. She wants to know that Wes is okay:
“…I’d know if he was dead. Wouldn’t I? I mean, You make these soulmate connections, right? Soulmates feel the other in a way that’s not describable. Therefore, if my other half wasn’t on this Earth anymore, I’d feel it.”
At this point, God is like, ‘I mean sure if you’re reading a story with fantasy or supernatural elements…wait is that what this story has been all along? makes…okay no this still makes no fucking sense what is going on here? I didn’t authorise this.”
Mia then gives God the whole speech she wants to give Wes about love. This is awkward for God.
The next day, Mia wakes up to texts from Blaine demanding she meet him for dinner to discuss how she can make up her missed payments. Mia refuses and tells him she’ll pay him back with 5% interest. The whole thing is so underwhelming because Mia has multiple avenues to pay make up the missed monthly payments. I get Wes is missing, but WHAT ABOUT MAX? His whole MO is that he would literally do anything for Mia, and she could just pay him back as soon as the inheritance stuff is worked out. Why is this an issue?
The simple truth was, I didn’t have his money, and there was no way I was going to be able to make it magically appear.
Blatant lie! She tries to explain it’s because she can’t bear the thought of asking Max for money right away, but again, he’s already offered without Mia asking for the money! In the last book! And she’s offering to pay him back. I can’t with this.
Blaine keeps trying to insist on dinner, and Mia reminds us? Tells us for the first time? About when Blaine cheated on her.
Now again. It’s like he forgot that he cheated on me with not one woman but two— at the same fucking time— the very day he proposed.
This is…such a weird detail. Seriously, has this come up before?
Blaine had offered me the world— jewels, a penthouse apartment overlooking the strip. The works. Said I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but looking beautiful and taking care of my man.
So Mia showed him and found a brother and a new boyfriend who offered her the same exact thing!
We get like six more pages of reminders about how bad Blaine is (though he is still barely a character in this series despite being the antagonist) before Mia gets word that her father is doing better. She sends Blaine some more texts refusing his dinner invite, and he threatens her, but Mia ignores him and goes to see her dad.
Everyone is excited because Pops is breathing on his own again.
The doctor took a breath. “We don’t know for sure, but it’s definitely a good sign. In my experience, patients who start breathing on their own end up getting stronger far more quickly. The problem in your father’s case is that he was already in a coma. One we couldn’t explain.
I love this doctor. He’s so straight up like, “Guys, we’re not even going to try to pretend we understand wtf is going on in this story either.” This is an A+ dude.
Mia comforts Maddie and gives her hope:
“…He’s been through a lot, but he has us to come back to. That has to count for something. It has to be enough.”
Max, of course, makes it creepy.
Max came up behind us and tugged us into the warmth of his broad chest. “It’s enough. Believe me, ladies, you two are more than enough.”
Stop! Stop talking like this now, sir!
Later, Warren calls Mia and tells him that Wes is confirmed to have been kidnapped.
“…the team being held includes Weston and Gina DeLuca, the lead actress in the film.”
Oh no not only is Wes being held by terrorists, but he’s with the sexy star of his film who he used to hook up with! JEALOUS. I’m not kidding, Mia is actually like UG about Gina right now.
Then shit gets fucking awful…like I don’t know if I can laugh at it? I mean it’s so absurd and out of place in this story, but it’s terrible. The government was sent a video and it shows Wes talking to one of the member’s of his crew, and then the guy gets beheaded in front of him. Like what the hell, Calendar Girl? What have you become? Wasn’t this supposed to be an erotic novel?
I kid you not, Mia is like, “I can heal Wes with my body.”
I’d take it all away with my words, my body, and by loving him more than he’d ever known in this lifetime.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME, GIRL.
Robot Mia does not understand real human interactions.
BEEP BOOP BEEP
I’m speechless. It’s like the author is snorting lines of coke before writing sessions, and smoke is just pouring off her keyboard. “Now I’ll add TERRORISTS! And creepy BROTHERS! And possible horrible revenge against GINA, who really isn’t a bad character but dammit she’s not MIA so she must DIE IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY! MUAA HA HA HA!!”
Speaking of death, I’m fine if Blaine just shows up at the hospital and shoots everyone so the last three books can be about him. I actually get Blaine’s motivation. He’s more relatable than anyone else in this series. I like picturing him on the other end of Mia’s messages, looking just as confused as we are.
I honestly think you might have just hit the nail on the head. I’m so mystified by what is happening. There are words, but they’re hard to choose.
NOOOO I hate Blaine too! I left this out because there was too much going on, but he started a text with “pretty pretty Mia” LIKE WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS????
I read these and try to come up with something funny or have an interesting insight…but I can’t. I’ve just been staring at the screen silently whispering ‘what the fuck’ to myself.
Hahahhahaa that’s what I do when I’m reading the chapters initially. I have nothing to write anymore in my posts really except WHAAAAAAT????
Sidenote- was the title of this a reference to Chuck Palahniuk’s ‘Damned’?
It is indeed a reference but to Judy Blume’s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret 😉
LOL remember when Christian Grey’s suicidally depressed ex held Ana at gun point and she was super convinced that they were going to bone the minute she left the room? You know what that scene really needed? Beheadings and terrorists. Good thing Carlan is here to pick up the slack.
Is there going to be sex in this book? I’m terrified to learn how. Are the Generic Terrorists going to allow Wes a phone call and he’ll use it to have phone sex with Mia?
i’m back from a week and a half not checking email on vacation. i’m more stressed out about coming back to this book than I am about coming back to my actual job.
So I guess the terrorists will be forcing Wes to have sex with Gina for some obscure reason at gunpoint, broadcast the video of it all over the world and then Mia will be “Oh noes! He does not love me anymore! It’s all the fault of this horrible woman!!!”
But Max will come in, do some uncomfortable to read about petting and touching of Mia and everything will be ok again.
Oh, and then Gin will come in too and give us some of her unique wisdom and then we all will be ready to jump from a cliff.