Previously, the narrative seemingly wrapped up and the characters had a conversation about what the conflict for the last third of the book should be. I mean, Falyn and Taylor have been dating long-distance for a few months now but she thinks she has to break things off because she thinks she isn’t what Taylor needs. Same diff.
Beautiful Sacrifice: Chapter 18
The chapter kicks off with this, prompting me to wonder if I opened the wrong book on my kindle:
Pete chopped green peppers while I spoke, nodding occasionally to let me know he was listening. The sun wasn’t up yet
Where the fuck are we?
Taylor pushed through the double doors, wearing only a pair of gray cotton shorts and untied boots. He froze when Pete pointed a knife in his direction.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?
“What are you doing?” […]
“Talking to Pete. […] He doesn’t share my secrets” […]
“I’m not bailing on you,” I said.
His panic was heartbreaking.
“Then what the fuck is going on? Why did you sneak downstairs to talk to Pete at four thirty in the morning?” […]
“I wasn’t sneaking anywhere. I talk to Pete a lot in the mornings when no one is around.”
To recap: mere hours after their fight last chapter, Falyn is venting her secrets to a character she has never been shown having a close conversation with (but apparently does all the time), at 4:30 in the morning. I feel like I just read a very, very short mystery novel.
Falyn finally fucking cuts to the chase about why they’re suddenly fighting. Nice of her to include Taylor in this.
“I can’t have children.”
He waited for a moment, and then his eyes danced around the room. “I… know?”
“If we take this further, if we move in together and then whatever comes next… it will always just be us. I don’t think you truly understand that.”
All of his muscles relaxed. “Goddamn, woman, you scared me. […] I thought you were dumping my impatient ass.”
[I was] a little annoyed he was being so flippant about it.
He his head back. “I’ve already thought about it, baby. No worries.”
“That right there shows me you haven’t thought this through.”
Oh boy, my favorite Maddox Romance Novel Conversation! The one where one of them has a better understanding of how the other person feels than they themselves do, so they fight about it instead of communicating about the issue in question! This is always fun and not at all frustrating and confusing to recap!
“There are a million ways for us to try to get pregnant. If none of them work, there’s adoption.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You don’t get it. I’ve told you. This was supposed to happen. You can’t just screw with the order of things.”
To be fair, none of Falyn’s concerns aren’t not valid, and given her tragic backstory, it makes sense where she’s coming from:
“I know you want kids. I don’t want to take that away from you. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and I just can’t. I would be too afraid to try to adopt. I’d worry about so many different things, like who gave the baby up and why.”
But this book’s entire conflict now is now just Falyn not being convinced Taylor’s feelings are also valid:
“Jesus Christ, Falyn. Do you really think I have to think about it? No. I’m not giving you up. You’re not giving me up.”
My face crumpled, and I shook my head. “That right there tells me you’re not taking this seriously.”
THIS FIGHT MAKES LOTS OF SENSE! I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!
Falyn tells Taylor that “we just need a break” because apparently she’s the only person in the world who’s never seen Friends and thinks this will go over well.
“You’re leaving now?” I was a bit surprised and feeling guilty for it.
Of course he was going to leave. What had I expected him to do? What had begun as good intentions was going downhill fast
So much of this book now is just Falyn telling us subjective things like they’re objective. I almost feel conflicted about complaining about the “the plot is a secret that we won’t tell you” part of the book. But I didn’t realize that Beautiful Sacrifice was going to resolve everything two-thirds of the way through the book and that the entire third act of the narrative was going to be Falyn and Taylor having a fight about what the plot should be now!
“I’m going to go home, and instead of applying for that job, I’m going to think about this for a week. Then I’m going to come back, and you’re going to apologize to me for fucking up the weekend I’ve been looking forward to for a month.” He yanked the door open, and without looking back, he said, “I love you.”
The door slammed […]
Maybe I was pushing him away. Now that he was gone, I felt exactly the way Travis had described the first time I went to Eakins. It was like I was dying slowly with a little bit of crazy mixed in.
“I hate you,” I said to myself.
Thankfully, the diner staff without Netflix is here to be way too invested in Falyn’s life:
“He texted late last night,” I said.
“Well?” Phaedra asked. “Good or bad?”
“He’s still thinking.”
“It’s your damn fault,” Phaedra said.
…why is everyone in this diner so judgmental of the decisions Falyn makes with her dating life? And also so quick to make violent gestures with knives at Taylor – seriously that has happened twice now.
The rest of the chapter mostly consists of Taylor texting Falyn once a day to say that he’s still thinking and still misses her and still upset with her. On Monday, he concedes that she’s right that the “real possibility that children are off the table for us [is] an important decision that I should think about”, but that she “didn’t have to kick me to the goddamn curb to make your point”. On Tuesday, he says that “Kids are important, and yes, our relationship is new. But if it means choosing, I choose you.” On day three, he says that it’s Tuesday, again, which is either a continuity error or Taylor is canonically a time-traveller. On Wednesday, he wears pink.
On the fourth day, Taylor didn’t text and Falyn worries, and then he sends her a rambling drunk text at 4:15 in the morning, which definitely doesn’t indicate anything good.
Maybe a hundred ducking years from now I’ll feel fucked out of having a family and wish i had a sun to play ball with and maybe ill want grandkids maybe I don’t deserve you anyway
Maybe I’m just drunk
Fuck it. Fuck all of this. I love you and ive done everything I’m supposed to until now and I’m further from you than ive been since we met. That’s isnt my fault.
Falyn can’t think of a way to respond to this drunk text message, and gets another text from him in the late morning apologizing, saying he had a helpful talk with his dad, and asking her to please go to St. Thomas because he wants to see her and that all he can think about is seeing her.
Why did trying to do the right thing end up being so god-awful for us both?
For a book where sacrifice is such a significant theme that it’s in the goddamn title, none of its characters seem to have a great grasp on compromise yet.
If he stayed with me, Taylor would have to make a sacrifice, one with which I was all too familiar.
Falyn giving up her child for adoption is the beautiful sacrifice! Taylor giving up having children is the beautiful sacrifice! Everything is beautiful sacrifice and nothing hurt!
It was just a break, just a week to think about our future, and we were both torn to pieces.
Pro Dating Advice: This was a terrible idea.