YOU GUYS, IT’S TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL GOOSEBUMPS READING. It’s our oldest Bad Books, Good Times tradition, even older than my dad sighing and helping me write erotic novels as business expenses on my taxes.
It Came From Beneath The Sink and Why I’m Afraid of Bees were basically neck and neck for most of the last few days, and when Ariel and I decided to call it, Sink had a slim lead. Maybe it technically doesn’t anymore. Maybe it does? Life is all about uncertainty. And nothing says uncertainty likes 90s children’s horror. Goosebumps is a dangerous game, is my point here.
SHALL WE?
It Came From Beneath The Sink: Chapter 1
Before my brother and I found the strange little creature under the sink, we were a normal happy family. In fact, I’d have to say we were very lucky.
But our luck quickly changed when we pulled the creature from its dark hiding place.
The sad, frightening story begins on the day we moved.
We learn that our brave young idiots this year are Kat Merton (whose real name is Katrina (“(ugh!)”) and whose dad calls her Kitty Kat (which does not merit an “(ugh!)”)), her brother Daniel, and our new favorite character we’ve ever had the honor of writing about on this blog:
“Rowf! Rowf!” Killer, our cocker spaniel, barked in agreement and followed me out onto the sidewalk.
Daniel, my goofy little brother, is the one who named the dog. What a dumb name. Killer is afraid of everything. The only thing he kills is his rubber ball!
KILLER PUPPY: THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SEQUEL TO PLOT PUPPY
It’s moving day for the Mertons, but they’re only moving about three blocks from their old house. This might sound silly, but Kat is psyched as shit because their new house is huge. Remember before the housing bubble burst? Oh, the 90s.
Kat’s parents give Kat and Daniel various chores while the movers start bringing their stuff in. Kat is tasked with cleaning the kitchen cabinets. Astute readers might recall the title of this book.
But something—a squeaky noise, like the sound of a footstep on an old wooden stair—made me stop short.
What is that? I wondered, my heart beating faster. I slowly opened the cabinet. Tried to peek inside. I opened it a little wider. A little wider.
I heard the noise again.
My heart was pounding now.
I opened the cabinet door another inch.
And then it grabbed me.
SHIT, THAT WAS FAST THIS YEAR.
Chapter 2
JK IT WASN’T.
“Daniel! You scared me to death!” I screamed. I pounded him on the back.
Laughing his head off, my brother yanked off the stupid rat costume he had insisted on packing. “You should have seen your face!” he cried. “Know what? I’m going to start calling you Scaredy-Kat!”
THE FIRST OF MANY FAKE CLIFFHANGERS! YOU GOT GOOSEBUMPS’D!
Daniel then tricks Kat again by telling her that there’s a real rat behind her, which makes her jump up on a chair before she realizes it’s just their dog. Kat, if this is all it takes to make you this jumpy, I don’t know how you’re gonna make it through a Goosebumps book.
Strangely, Killer starts growing at something inside the cabinet beneath the (you guess it) sink, which is weird because Killer – who I might remind you is a precious angel and must be protected at all costs – never growls. Kat looks inside to see nothing more than an old sponge, but when she picks it up, Killer tries to bite her! Then the chapter ends with her noticing something odd about the sponge.
PSA: ALWAYS LISTEN TO DOGS JUST IN CASE YOU’RE IN A HORROR MOVIE
Chapter 3
The round sponge moved in my hand, gently and slowly, in and out, in and out in a lazy rhythm.
As if it were breathing!
But sponges don’t breathe. Do they?
Remember before SpongeBob SquarePants? Oh, the 90s.
Daniel isn’t having any of this.
“Daniel! I don’t think this is just a sponge,” I stammered. “I think it’s alive!” I tossed it back into the sink cabinet. I admit it. I felt a little scared.
My brother put his hands on his hips. “That’s a pretty lame joke,” he snickered.
Kat isn’t having any of this either.
“All right, don’t believe me!” I exclaimed. “When I’m famous for discovering this thing, I won’t tell them you’re my brother.”
THAT NIGHT ON THE EVENING NEWS: “Local girl discovers strange new species of animal, and she doesn’t have a brother!”
Daniel takes another looks and says that, hey, she right be right, but then grabs the sponge and runs away! But then he starts screaming! AAAAAAAAAAAA
Chapter 4
AAAAAAAAaaaaaand Daniel just hit his head while running around the house or something. That’s really the fakeout this time. You think it’s a monster attack, but it’s just that kids are fucking idiots. Unless you are a kid. You’re cool. Also, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. We usually write about much less appropriate books.
Kat’s mom shows up, Daniel blames Kat for pushing him, and then their mom splits them up and chews them out for fighting over an old sponge. Left alone, Kat studies the sponge a bit more.
“Whoa!” I cried, startled. Two wet, black eyes stared out at me.
I shuddered. “Yuck!”
You aren’t a sponge at all, I thought. Sponges don’t have eyes, do they?
Yeah, you thought I was joking around earlier when I said that Goosebumps is really about how few things in this life are certain, huh? Nope. Only Goosebumps dares to ask, hey, do sponges have eyes?
I needed some answers. Quick. But who could I talk to?
Not Mom. She didn’t want to hear about the sponge.
This seems like a safe assumption for most people and most scenarios, actually.
Kat runs off to find her dad, telling him that she’s holding something she found under the sink that’s “warm and it his eyes and it’s alive. I can’t figure out what it is.” Somehow hearing this statement from his child doesn’t cause him to panic and fall off the ladder. He just falls off the ladder.
Chapter 5
The rest of the family rushes to the scene, and things continue to get way worse for Kat.
Mom and Dad had the weirdest expressions on their faces.
“Kat,” said Mom angrily, “did you push your father?”
“Why did you push the ladder?” Dad asked, rubbing his ankle.
OH SHIT, WILD SPECULATION TIME: it came from beneath the sink AND it’s hypnotizing everyone? Pushing things around with PSYCHIC SPONGE POWERS? BEING EVIL????
Kat insists she didn’t do any such thing, but her mom just tells her they’ll discuss it later after she takes care of her father.
I felt a hot red flush of embarrassment creep over my face. How could Dad think I pushed him?
I lowered my eyes and realized I still held the sponge.
And I realized something else. Something strange and scary.
Instead of pulsing gently, the sponge throbbed in my hand. Throbbed wildly. […]
What’s going on here? I wondered. Daniel thought I pushed him. And then Dad said the same thing.
They both think I pushed them. Why?
Kat has a hunch, as well as one of the best sentences I’ve ever read for this blog.
I shivered with fear. Suddenly, the sponge seemed kind of scary.
Kat runs outside and throws out the sponge!
But a few days later, Daniel and his best friend Carlo bring the sponge back into the house! Sure, now Daniel thinks the sponge is alive.
“Check it out—it looks like an old sponge. But it’s alive!” Daniel explained. “I bet it’s a prehistoric creature, like a dinosaur or something.”
I jumped up and ran out of my room.
“Hey!” I yelled at Daniel. “What are you doing with that?” I pointed at the sponge in his hands. “I threw that thing away.”
“I found it in the garbage can,” Daniel replied. “It’s too cool to throw away. Right, Carlo?”
Carlo shrugged, his shaggy black hair touching his shoulders. “It looks like an old sponge. What’s the big deal?”
Whelp, I guess Carlo’s going to be the first to die.
I pulled a large book from my new bookcase. “I checked the encyclopedia,” I explained. “Under sponges. You should have left it in the trash, Daniel. You really should have.”
“What did the encyclopedia say?” Daniel asked eagerly, plopping down on my bed. He held the sponge between his hands.
“It said that sponges do not have eyes,” I replied.
BBGT readers: “Let’s read It Came From Beneath The Sink for the Goosebumps reading this year! That sounds silly!”
Me: *reads a dozen pages of on-and-off debate over whether sponges have eyes*
Kat immediately caves for some reason and convinces her brother to at least keep the not-sponge in an old gerbil cage. They just moved, but for some reason they took an empty gerbil cage with them.
Terrible news! Carlo’s hand has been eaten!
“Aaagh! My hand! It ate my hand!”
Chapter 6
Good news. Carlo’s hand has not been eaten.
But then he screams for real and he’s stepped on a motherfucking nail.
The sponge quivered and shook.
It shook with what seemed like joy!
I wouldn’t find out the frightening truth about the sponge creature until the next day.
When I learned it, I understood why there were so many accidents in our new house.
And it made me wish that I had never opened that cabinet, never reached under the sink, and never found the spongy… thing.
Because now it was too late.
Too late for us all.
Uh, spoilers, Kat!
Chapter 7
Things immediately get ominous af:
Kat, it’s all set.” Mom grinned at me the next morning when I walked into the kitchen for breakfast.
“What’s all set?” I asked sleepily.
“Your birthday party tomorrow!”
Kat narrates that this year for her birthday, her parents and taking her and five friends to a water park for the day. Good news! All they have to do is not bring a weird old sponge to the water park for some reason and they’re in the clear! No innocent children will suffer needless-
“No fair! Why can’t I come along?” [Daniel] complained […] “Kat gets everything around here,” he grumbled. “She won’t even share the sponge with me!”
“That old thing Kat found under the sink?” Mom asked in surprise. “Who’d want it?”
“Me!” yelled Daniel.
“Well, I found it, so it’s mine. And I’m bringing my sponge to school today,” I informed Daniel.
…so close and yet so far.
Kat’s mom asks the big thematic questions.
“Why?” Mom asked.
Kat explains that she wants to show the not-sponge to her teacher because maybe she’ll know what it is. If she ever makes it to school.
“Kat! Look out!” he screamed.
Craaack!
I heard a frightening sound above my head. A loud cracking. As if someone had cracked about a thousand knuckles at the same time.
I glanced up in time to see a huge dead tree branch hurtling down through the air. I froze.
I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t move a muscle.
Do things seem bad for Kat, who is about to be struck by a falling tree branch? Yes, yes, they do. It would seem like she’d have a very serious thought about this as her life flashes before her eyes, would it not?
Dear reader, I have some news for you.
This is the best book I’ve ever read in my entire life:
I was about to be crushed into Kat litter!
Tune in next time to see if Kat is checks notes, sighs crushed into Kat litter.
If you enjoyed today’s post, please consider buying the BBGT writers a cup of coffee? That’d be swell of you!
SpongeBob: the Origin