Previously, we were introduced to Jake. He’s a soldier and an American hero who is misunderstood by special snowflake ultra libs who only know how to scream about the patriarchy and micro aggressions. Jake heroically tries to help a woman in an abusive situation, but she is livid because THE PATRIARCHY. Then he’s attacked by the entire campus. Then he is tasered by campus police. Then he is taken to speak to the police chief where he proceeds to have a couple chapters worth of flashbacks. Honestly you’re better off just reading Matthew’s summary because yes it is this insane.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 5
“Jake?” The college experience hadn’t been great so far, despite his sarcastic comment to Dr. Montambault. But now he was in enough trouble to land him in the office of the campus police chief. McRainey was glaring at him.
You mean to tell me that Jake’s sarcastic comment that he was going to enjoy college didn’t prevent him from having a bad time in college??
“Sorry, sir,” Jake said. “I guess I got a little distracted there.”
I honestly would like to know just how long Jake has been zoned out for. Like that was two chapters worth of flashback material.
The police chief says he’s going to investigate the incident, but he can assure Jake that thanks to his grandfather’s money, he won’t be kicked out. Even though he also tells Jake that basically everyone at this college is even wealthier than he is.
“Here’s the thing, Jake. Kelton charges an arm and a leg, and because of that, nearly all the kids who go here come from wealthy families. I mean really wealthy. Like your grandfather, only a lot of them are even richer. And those mamas and daddies want their kiddos to be safe. In fact, they insist on it. So the college is willing to pay me a hefty salary to make sure they stay that way. More than twice as much as I ever made as a real cop in Houston. I can put up with a lot of derp for that kind of money.”
So…Jake is super privileged but not as privileged as these snowflakes. Got it.
Jake grinned. “Derp? I’m surprised you know the word.”
“Hey, I work on a college campus. I hear a lot of stuff. Of course, I’m usually three or four years behind the times, anyway. That’s not bad for an old guy like me.”
This officer is one hip dude.
After he leaves the police station, Jake gets into a bit of an argument with the arresting officer.
“You resisted arrest. We should have held you for the Greenleaf cops.”
“How did I resist arrest? You ordered your guys to tase me as soon as I turned around toward you.”
“You displayed weapons in an aggressive manner.”
“The pipe and chain. I was holding them down at my sides.”
I’m honestly shocked and confused by the stance the book is taking against the police right now. Unless it’s specifically because this is specifically campus security at a liberal college where a guy can’t just carry around a pipe and chain without getting tased. But seriously, this could read as a parody of actual police brutality.
Anyway, that’s clearly not the point of the discussion. The point is for Jake to show what a badass he is.
“It looked to me like you were getting ready to attack us with them,” Granderson insisted. “I ordered preemptive action to protect the safety and well-being of my fellow officers.” The scowl turned into an ugly grin. “I bet it hurt like hell, didn’t it?”
But Jake is not so easily impressed.
“I’ve grabbed live wires before,” Jake said with a shrug. “No big deal.”
But then the book kind of answers my question:
“Fascism should be resisted by all available means.”
“You’re a cop!” Jake said, frustration making his voice rise. “Those Antifa kids hate you, too!”
“Authority figures or not, some of us are on the right side of history,” Granderson said with a sneer.
Woah that’s deep. Even people in authority can be part of the liberal agenda. WHO TO TRUST?
On his way back to the dorm he is again attacked by hooded figures. Jake starts to get the sense that these might be PROFESSIONAL TERRORIST who are funded by the liberal billionaires. For the second time this chapter he insists he’s a “peaceable” man, but alas, the fight begins. God, Jake can’t catch a break. I bet campus security is going to show up and tase him again at this rate.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 6
JAKE FIGHTS BACK! In a very detailed brawl! Where he is attacked by…pipe-wielding, hooded men! He takes them all easily and even chases down one that tries to escape.
The man gasped in some air.
Then used it to rasp, “F-Fascist!”
Jake squeezed again. “Are you really that stupid? You think a real fascist, a real Nazi, would let you live right now? I’ve been listening to you idiots for years now, yammering about how any politician you don’t like is literally Hitler. When all along it’s been your side that’s been acting like the brownshirts and going after anybody who doesn’t agree with you! Free speech! But only if it’s speech you approve of, speech that fits your precious narrative! Anything else gets shut down, with violence if need be. Hell, you like the violence. Makes you feel big and powerful. Punching Nazis feels great . . . only you’re the Nazis.” Jake lifted the guy’s head by the throat and banged it against the ground. “Are you listening to me? Damn it, you’ve got me so mad I’m the one who’s yammering now. So just listen to this: if the other side was as bad as you believe it is, if we wanted death camps, then by God, we’d have death camps by now. But we’re still willing to live and let live, if you’ll just let us. If you won’t . . . well, do you want a civil war? Because that’s how you get a civil war. And it won’t be nearly as much fun as you think it will be.”
NO ONE DESERVES THE TORTURE OF LISTENING TO JAKE “YAMMER ON” ABOUT THIS! Not even this ridiculous attacker!
Also what does “if we wanted death camps, then by God, we’d have death camps by now. But we’re still willing to live and let live, if you’ll just let us.” even mean? If Jake and his reasonable people who just want to live peaceably and keep to themselves are the minority and are so oppressed by the other side, how would they manage to start death camps IF THEY WANTED THEM? That is a chilling sentiment.
Jake goes back to check on the other guys he fought off.
“Don’t try to bully somebody who’s willing and able to fight back,” Jake told him. “Better yet, don’t bully anybody. People have a right to believe whatever they want to believe.”
“S-social justice—”
“Is bull. There’s just justice. And sometimes it’s a bitch, just like karma.”
I quoted this just because I love that no one opposing Jake is capable of starting a sentence without a buzzword.
The chapter ends on this mysterious note:
That thought was running through his mind when someone stepped out from behind one of the columns on the library porch and said, “I saw what you did back there.”
I really hope this mysterious stranger is about to tase Jake again.
When the police chief says “derp,” I can just imagine cutting to John Oliver, who responds, “Cool.”
no scathing takedown quite like incorrecting using slang. how shook is that?
I had to rush to the end of Jake’s monologue because I was afraid his captive audience was going to pass out if I didn’t hurry. (Also, most of these excerpts are better if you read really fast.)
I bet the mysterious strange is the local campus leader of the True American Patriotic USA Republican Patriots Anti-Liberal-Fascism Resistance Group who wants to hire Jake.
I bet Jake is going to organize an “affirmative action bake sale” sometime soon and REALLY own the libs.
He really loves railing against this vague, terrible representation of “liberal” society he’s created. Do you think he wants to be Jake and this is sort of his own equivalent of Threat Level Midnight from The Office?
WTF is going on????? This is insane
Jake being all pissy about being tazed, feels really rich, given the reality of real-world police brutality. Because let’s look at it this way: the police have heard word of a fight going on. When they get there, there’s a pile of beaten victims and a guy standing over them, holding bloody weapons. I can understand why they whipped out the taser. Black people have been shot for much less.
And whenever we question Jake’s virtue, remember that in his great munificence, he has decided not to send his political opponents to concentration camps. We should all strive to be so merciful.