Sorry for the late post this week! I was at a wedding out of state over the weekend and, frankly, it was way more fun than reading another two chapters of this garbage. Although now that I think about it, I did watch Crimes of Grindelwald on the plane, so I guess I can’t help but subject myself to incomprehensible time-wasters even on vacation.
Previously, Goddamn American Hero Jake does not drop out of college. That might not sound like a lot, and yet even fewer things happened in Crimes of Grindelwald. Fuck me running, that movie was bad.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 10
After nine chapters of Jake telling people they’re wrong all the time and not going two steps without punching someone in the face while bemoaning how this goes against his peaceable nature, I guess it’s about time to meet who this story’s bad guys are supposed to be.
We meet Matthias Foster at a shooting range. I know. You’d expect to find our good guys there. Twists and turns aplenty in this story. Foster is methodically testing a bunch of guns because “he might well be trusting his life to some of these weapons”. Astonishingly, this somehow immediately becomes his most endearing quality.
“This one just needs a little adjustment to the sights,” he told the woman who stood beside him holding a tablet. […] “Preparation, my dear Lucy. Proper preparation is the key to success. Forgive me for sounding like a motivational speaker.”
He gets dumber.
“Of course,” the woman called Lucy replied. “But we have other things to do to get ready, too, besides just testing guns.”
“You’re right,” Foster agreed. “We have other powerful weapons on our side. Our brains”—he touched his forehead—“and our hearts.”
He gets dumber.
His fingertips rested for a second on his chest. “Those are a higher caliber than any mechanical weapon we might employ, and we must test them as well.” He laughed. “God, I sound pretentious at times, don’t I?”
An SUV pulls up to the range. Lucy goes to take out her noise-protecting earbuds, but Foster stops her, telling her to “Leave them in [because] You might need them again later,” to which Lucy is “puzzled but shrug[s] in acceptance”, which might make Lucy the most oblivious character we’ve seen on this blog in years.
Four men get out of the SUV. The book tells us they’re a diverse group, so we already know these are our evil lefties, I guess.
“Nobody wants to turn back,” Ben said. “We’re all committed to the cause, aren’t we, guys?” He turned his head to look at the three young men who had come out here with him.
“Sure we are,” the black guy, Jimmy, said. “The only way to stop those fascists from taking over the country and ruining it is to fight back against them with something they’ll understand.”
“Force,” Carlos said. “The same sort of oppression they deal out to us.”
Oh my god, they are the evil lefties! So much for the tolerant left! I’m sorry. I had to say it once. I’m amazed I held out this long.
But in all seriousness, I’m almost at a loss for what to say about this. How do you take these guys – who I can only assume are supposed to be a revelatory picture of the hypocrisy of the left – as the ideological evil opposite Goddamn American Hero Jake Rivers after his “if we wanted death camps, then by God, we’d have death camps by now” speech in chapter two?
“You know they’d put us all in death camps if they thought they could get away with it,” Hank added.
IT’S MAKING MY ARGUMENT FOR ME. JAKE LITERALLY SAID THIS.
What the fuck is this? I like how this story introduced the concept of “Antifa patrol squads” in, like, chapter one, and yet it still had to make up an enemy that’s supposed to be an ideological opposite of our good guys, but is so oversimplified they’re functionally indistinguishable. The evil liberal’s plan is to… act like conservatives? I honestly don’t know if we’re even supposed to think their take on conservatism is wrong or not, because – and I really cannot stress this enough – their take on how conservatives see the world is how Jake has already said he sees the world. Eight chapters ago. Is this book like the conservative version of liberal feel-good bullshit like The Green Book where the antagonists are too cartoonishly evil, the protagonists too unanalyzed and non-marginalized, and the conflict too oversimplified and cloying to allow for actual substantial commentary about whatever injustice the story thinks it’s about? The more I read of this book, the less real it seems.
Anyway, Foster knows that one of them is a traitor. Or something. It’s not clear.
“I trust you to tell me who that guy was you met in the parking lot, and what was on that flash drive you gave him.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ben said with a stubborn shake of his head. “I didn’t meet some guy, and I didn’t give anybody a flash drive.”
“Really?” Foster reached in his pocket, took [a flash drive] out, and flipped it through the air to Ben […]
“It’s encrypted, so we couldn’t get into it . . . yet . . . but we’ll crack it sooner or later”
“So, uh, please give it back to me so I can do that. Thanks.”
Ben tries to turn on them but they murder the shit out of him. So much for the tolerant l- wait, fuck, I already used that joke. Fuck, this is gonna be a long book.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 11
Meanwhile at college, Jake’s grandfather shows up to tell him that his lawyers have already solved all his problems for him and to talk about how great it is to have lots of money. Jake feels weird about being saved in this way, which kinda puts this book in a tough spot since this would mean Jake would have to reflect on his privilege, which this book doesn’t think is a real thing, so the result is that he doesn’t feel that weird about it.
The chapter ends with his grandfather leaving, but then, even more surprising, Dr. Natalie Burke shows up! Tune in later this week to wonder how the hell these two are managing to flirt with each other.
If you enjoyed today’s post, please consider buying the BBGT writers a cup of coffee? That’d be swell of you!