Previously, the world’s most inept sex traffickers were caught, and then E L James kept writing the book anyway, not having realized yet that she already wrapped up the plot.
The Mister: Chapter 25
They go back to London. Alessia tells us her backstory, again. It’s difficult to properly convey how little this chapter adds to the book (the most noteworthy thing that happens in this chapter is that Maxim describes Alessia’s climax as a “cock-hardening sound”, if that tells you… something…), so
The Mister: Chapter 26
This is roughly the chapter where E L James realizes The Mister doesn’t have a plot anymore and she really should do something about that. Don’t get too excited, though, because by “something”, this means “the exact same plot, but again”. First stop on the reset button express, Maxim finally (finally!) visits Caroline!
Caroline is sitting by the fire, staring into the flames, huddled in a tartan throw. She doesn’t look around when I walk in. […]
“Oh, it’s you.” she says.
I love that Caroline’s just spent this whole book getting her Miss Havisham vibes on, staring sadly at her fireplace, occasionally sending a thirst text to her brother-in-law and getting mad he won’t text her back.
It gets off to a pretty rip-roaring start, as out of goddamn nowhere Caroline and Maxim apparently have been wondering the whole time if Kit’s accident was a suicide.
I take her hand in mine. “I know. It wasn’t in any of our plans. Even Kit’s.”
“I don’t know,” she says.
“What do you mean?”
She leans forward so she’s facing me and in a conspiratorial whisper says, “I think he meant to kill himself.”
I squeeze her fingers. “Caro. That’s not true. Don’t think that. It was just a horrid accident.” My eyes meet hers, and I’m trying for my most earnest look, but the truth is—I’ve had the same thought.
Since when? It’s not like we haven’t spent much time in Maxim’s head. He’s literally never thought this until now. He’s thought “why, Kit, why” so many times you could make an (ill-advised) drinking game out of it, but we know he’s never thought it could have been suicidal because we have been in his head the whole time.
They instantly move on past this wild, eleventh hour “hey, maybe the catalyst that set the events of the book in motion wasn’t an accident but a suicide, which I’ve actually been considering this whole time” surprise (because why would you need to unpack that), and get to the thing we’ve been waiting for this whole time…
“What were you doing in Cornwall?”
“This and that….” I’m trying for humor.
“Well, that’s illuminating.” She rolls her eyes, and I glimpse a flash of the spirited Caroline I know. [note: ???????] “What were you doing in Cornwall?”
“Escaping from gangsters, if you must know.”
“Gangsters?”
“Yes… And falling in love.”
Caroline finds out that this isn’t a book about her.
She cackles. And it’s good to hear her laugh, but not so good that it’s at my expense. Noticing my less-than-enthusiastic reaction, she tries to bring her amusement under control.
tbh she takes it pretty well at first.
“Maxim, the only thing you love is your dick.”
God, I wish we spent more time with Caroline in this book.
The bad news is she stops finding it funny pretty much immediately. But the good news is she keeps roasting Maxim, so I’m still here for this, the one scene I’ve actually anticipated this whole book.
“No!” She gasps. “Your daily?”
“What do you mean, no?”
“Maxim. She’s your fucking daily—literally!” And a dark cloud crosses her face; a storm is brewing.
I shift in my seat, irritated by her response. “Well, she isn’t my daily anymore.”
Ariel just wrote a summary about a whole chapter where these two agreed that she is, but go on.
“Caro, don’t be such a snob. You can’t choose who you love. Love chooses you.”
“Bloody hell!” She stands suddenly, looming over me. “Don’t give me some bullshit clichéd homily.”
I’m willing to let it slide that E.L. James is doing the “if I call attention to how generic my writing is, that means it’s not bad it’s self-aware” trick here, because this feels like a relatively small price to pay for someone to finally canonically drag Maxim. Especially our beloved minor character and resident messy bitch Caroline:
“I knew it! That time when I met her. In your kitchen. You were so weird and attentive toward her.” […]
“Don’t be so dramatic. That’s not like you.”
“It is like me.”
Now, sure, this isn’t really a plot we’re seeing repeated again so much as it was just… never resolved or progressed, and then Caroline patiently waited by the fire until the plot needed her again. But it’s definitely less of a third act to the great love story of Maxim and Alessia and more of a deja vu moment back a few hundred pages earlier in the book. You tell me if you think this sounds like the culmination of Maxim’s great emotional journey or just like Maxim wasn’t really paying attention to the first few chapters:
“I don’t understand. Why is this such a big deal to you?”
“What about us?” she asks, her voice wavering, her eyes wide.
“There is no ‘us.’ ” God, she’s so annoying.
Maxim more thoroughly calls her out on how unreasonable her expectations are, and if there’s one thing that doesn’t feel like basically the beginning of the book all over again about this passage, it’s that he does call her out that “You do not get … to make me feel guilty” and that “I am not your fucking consolation prize”.
Buuuuut the only reason this didn’t happen earlier is pretty much just because it’s more dramatic to happen now; neither of these characters actually feel any differently about this matter because of what they’ve gone through over the course of the story. Hell, the only thing that’s interesting about how long this took to come up again is that apparently Maxim was totally in the dark about this part of the plot the whole time:
truth be told, I had no idea that she had designs on me beyond the occasional fuck.
Interspersed throughout this chapter, as always, is what Alessia’s up to while Maxim’s away, which brings us to our other “wait, is this just the beginning of the book again?”
She eyes the kitchen clock. Maxim will be a while yet. She has time to go to the local store to find something a little more enticing for her man.
A silly grin spreads over her face.
That’s right! Alessia’s going to get kidnapped by someone from her tragic Albanian backstory! AGAIN.
The store is busier than usual, [note: when would she ever have been to the Tesco near Maxim’s house to know this?] and she’s grateful that there are many customers milling through the aisles. […]
“Hello, Alessia. How have you been?” It takes a fraction of a second for her to realize that the calm, familiar voice is speaking in Albanian. It takes another fraction of a second for fear to grip her heart and her soul.
No! He’s here!
“H-h-h-hello, Anatoli,” she stutters, her voice shaky and full of fear.
“Surely you can do better than that, carissima. No smile for the man you are going to marry?” […] He grasps her arm at her elbow and squeezes. “You are coming with me. I have spent a small fortune tracking you down. Your parents are devastated by your disappearance, and your father says you sent no word back to them that you were safe and well.”
So brace yourselves for the final stretch of The Mister! Alessia is being pursued and kidnapped, meanwhile Caroline is lusting after Maxim from afar! It’s pretty much the same as the parts of the book we’ve already read! I wonder if these crazy kids will ever have external events stop interfering with their love work things out.
“H-h-h-hello, Anatoli,” she stutters, her voice shaky and full of fear.
lmao this is so bad
Of all the Tescos in all the towns in the world she walks into mine …
Awfully convenient meeting here, huh?
E L James, trying to figure out how to naturally get the fiance into the story, landing on tesco: “FUCK IT. EVERY LITTLE HELPS.”
Annoying? REALLY? They fell into an emotionally-charged affair following the unexpected and tragic death of his brother/her husband and when he drops her out of nowhere and declares, in a way he never has before, that he’s in love, she is devastated by this news. And he finds that annoying. Go fuck yourself. #TeamCaroline
I was FLABBERGASTED by “annoying”. not just because of how cruel it is, but how distantly cruel it is, like Maxim himself started skimming this chapter like, “ugh, another subplot?”
Remember when I said I really wanted to see this chapter? Apparently I have no idea what’s good for me. Please don’t ever listen to me again.
When she said she was going to buy something ‘more enticing’, I assumed she meant lingerie so I was really confused when she went to tesco, because I’m pretty sure the underwear in tesco is purely functional. But enticing is a really fucking weird word to use when describing food, why wouldn’t you say tasty, James, you weird fuck.
HAHAHAHA ok, PERHAPS I summarized a little too much. But then we wouldn’t have this lingerie tesco run. What a dilemma.