Okay, technically it was the last chapter where Maxim mentions that he “snap[s] and upload[s] a few photos to my Instagram” while waiting at the airport. But honestly, this title works as a summary for this chapter too. And for the whole book, on a real macro level.
Previously, Alessia’s abusive betrothed who she fled from Albania to escape has kidnapped her and is taking her back to Albania. Maxim goes to Albania too.
The Mister: Chapter 30
This is another infuriatingly long, slow chapter that flips back and forth between A) Alessia being physically and emotionally abused, threatened with sexual assault, finding Anatoli’s gun while he’s asleep and contemplating murder and then suicide, and B) Maxim killing time on his trip to Albania.
Okay, uh, let’s start with Alessia first? Fuuuuuck.
All of the stuff I mentioned above happens (it’s a lot and I know I’m just skipping over it but this is a comedy blog and if you really want that much detail… no, trick question, you don’t want to read The Mister). Alessia wakes up in the middle of the night with Anatoli drunkenly passed out. She gets up, thinking this is her chance to escape. She rummages through Anatoli’s suitcase looking for his money, but instead finds his gun. She decides she can’t go through his killing Anatoli or with taking her own life.
And deep down she wants to stay alive in the vague hope of seeing Maxim again.
You’re gonna have to take my word for it, but that is somehow the saddest sentence in the chapter.
She’s never been so distraught. She’s never wept this many tears.
…ever?
Ever.
Even after her traumatic escape from the sex traffickers and her long walk to Magda’s?
Even after her traumatic escape and on her long walk to Magda’s.
So, what do you think Alessia does next?
- Continues looking for Anatoli’s money and escapes
- Looks for Anatoli’s car keys and steals the car and escapes
- Leaves Anatoli in his drunken slumber and escapes
- Just escapes, like, at all
- Waits until sunrise, then perfectly disarms Anatoli’s gun – unclipping the magazine and ejecting the round in the chamber, which she apparently knows how to do because she’s seen her father do it before – and puts the emptied gun back in Anatoli’s bag and pockets the bullets
Do you want to guess which one E.L. James went with?
“You stayed,” Anatoli says quietly. He seems subdued, though he’s as watchful as ever.
“Where would I go?” Alessia replies wearily.
He shrugs.
You ever see an author shrug through one of their characters before? Because that’s absolutely what’s happening here.
Meanwhile, what’s Maxim been up to, I asked, already regretting the question:
I’m anxious to get to Alessia’s town and find her home, we have to wait to meet our interpreter. I’m unsettled and jittery and unable to keep still, so to kill time Tom and I take a quick walk through the museum.
I guess we pretty much just have to assume that Maxim and the team and resources at his disposal really couldn’t come up with a better plan than to try to beat Alessia and Anatoli back to her hometown, but the book doesn’t really capture the horror of having to wait, feeling powerless as you can do nothing but kill time and hope something even worse hasn’t happened.
It’s hardly the British Museum
It does continue to capture the horror of having to listen to clueless xenophobia, though.
Tom, of course, is preoccupied with the displays of medieval weaponry; Albania has a rich and bloody history.
Unlike British history.
Maxim and Tom meet up with the translator they’ve hired, who has brought along his girlfriend, for some reason. I am very curious how exactly they hired this guy. Does he even know anything about the kidnapping? Imagine that phone call: “Yes, that is my rate for translation services. Ok… ok… hm, an aristocrat traveling to Albania for the first time! Fancy! Business or pleasure? His fiancé has been kidnapped by a mob boss her father betrothed her to… hm, one moment please. Honey? Want to go to Kukës for the week?“
Maxim’s whirlwind half of the chapter thus proceeds as follows:
- Maxim, Tom, translator Thanas (not Thanos, although we’re probably all going to start calling him that now), and translator’s girlfriend Drita who is there too for some reason (and, spoiler, she does literally nothing the entire rest of the book WHY EVEN INTRODUCE HER WHY) all start driving to Alessia’s hometown. Tom drives “so that I can play DJ and take photographs with my phone”, because hey his desperate mission to save his kidnapped love doesn’t have to be all bad
- Maxim’s team back in the UK calls him to let him know that the men who broke in and tried to kidnap Alessia (the other ones) turned out to be known to the police and wanted in connection with other crimes. I kind of feel like Maxim already learned this, but I guess we needed some way to remind Maxim about this other part of the plot.
- They get to Kukës. Maxim wonders where all the women are, like he hasn’t been paying attention to this wildly not-subtle book.
- Maxim knocks on the door to Alessia’s parents’ home and meets Alessia’s mother and tells her he wants to marry her daughter. This is actually his plan. She asks him if he’s the man her friend Magda has told her good things about. She tells him her husband isn’t home and he needs to come back later.
- Maxim goes back to the hotel and has a single drink with Tom.
- Maxim and the others go back to Alessia’s parents’ house.
So, how is Maxim feeling about going up to some people he’s never seen before and telling them he wants to marry their daughter and she should not marry the man she’s engaged to?
This is it.
Game face on, dude.
How does E.L. James convey the depth of feeling and nerves that must be coursing through Maxim right now?
I haven’t felt this nervous since my interview for Eton.
…ok, no, at no point in time did we ever see Maxim care about school. I’m like 100000% sure he’s made jokes about getting kicked out of schools. This does not work for me. On multiple levels.
Mrs. Demachi explains who Maxim is to Mr. Demachi. Mr. Demachi gets caught up on a mercifully abridged version of The Mister that skips the part where Maxim kissed Alessia in his sleep – remember when that happened?
“She’s already promised to another,” he says.
“She does not wish to marry that man. He is the reason that she left here.”
Demachi’s eyes widen at my outspoken candor, and I hear a small gasp from the kitchen.
“Did she tell you this?”
“Yes.” […]
The creases in her father’s forehead deepen. “Why do you wish to marry her?” He seems perplexed.
“Because I love her.”
Conveniently, right at that moment…
Before the car has come to a complete stop, Alessia flings open the passenger door and flies up the path and through the front door. Without taking off her shoes, she races down the main hallway.
“Mama!” she calls, and she bursts into the living room, expecting to see her mother.
Maxim and another man she barely notices stand. They had been sitting with her father, who is now staring up at her.
Tune in next time for the thrilling conclu- (checks notes) um, third-last chapter!
If you enjoyed today’s post, please consider joining our Patreon, where for a mere $1 a month you can come hang out with us in our new Discord! Or if you want to make a one-time donation, you can buy us a cup of coffee on Ko-fi: