Previously, we resumed Trigger Warning with a merciful three (3) Jake-less chapters. We learned what the bad guys are up to (getting disguised as campus maintenance crew! uh oh!), what Pierce is up to (still being black and wondering if Jake has a point?? makes u think!), and what (checks notes) campus cop Cal Granderson (whomst the fuck?) is doing (doling out parking tickets to environment-killing SUVs like a goddamn liberal, escalating any random police-civilian interaction by pulling his weapons like a… goddamn… liberal? Ok, what the fuck is this tea party-ass fever dream of a book actually trying to say about the police? I am baffled.).
Anyway, Jake’s back, so it’s time for us to suffer again.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 21
You might recall that we last left our goddamn American hero Jake Rivers awaiting a meeting with the college president. I honestly forgot. It’s not Trigger Warning‘s fault that we happened to pause there because E.L. James happened to write a new book, but this does seem to happen a lot.
But Jake ain’t even worried.
Jake knew he probably ought to be worried about the summons to President Pelletier’s office, but he couldn’t bring himself to even think much about it as he waited in the administrator’s outer office that morning. […] Jake knew he would have some legal recourse if he were expelled. His grandfather would be willing to help him fight the expulsion in court, he was sure of that. But he was no longer sure that he wanted to. He was tired of the whole damned thing.
He would have walked away from Kelton College without any regrets . . . other than one.
That would mean walking away from Natalie Burke, too.
Holy shared human experience, batman! Did Jake have an entire train of thought about his desires and feelings without making it about how social justice is ruining America? Is Jake actually a human person with wants and needs unrelated to petty squabbles about shallow facsimiles of political opinions?
My dear reader, first we must define the term “petty”:
“You clashed with another student again. It was a violent encounter.”
Jake thought about some of the fights he’d been in during the past six years and said, “No offense, sir, but that wasn’t violence. That guy might as well have been trying to play patty-cake with me.”
Pelletier frowned across the desk.
“Don’t make light of this, Mr. Rivers.”
I don’t know if this is personal bias because I’ve put reading this book on pause for a few months or because I just binged the entirety of Veronica Mars or something else, or even for a totally rational canonical reason like how Jake is just tired by this point, but in this chapter it has occurred to me that Jake Rivers – for all his talk about being “peaceable” and hearing people out and welcoming honest debate – is constantly egging people on with snarky, funny funny quips, like the MAGA version of a Joss Whedon hero.
He eggs on the principal:
“I have no grounds for expulsion right at this moment—”
“Ah, so you have seen the unedited video,” Jake couldn’t resist saying.
Later, after his meeting with the principal, he runs into his advisor, the Rachel Dolezal-ass Dr. Mtumbo, in a scene that doesn’t advance the plot at all and seemingly only exists for him to egg that guy on too:
Jake went on, “You’re probably surprised to see that I’m still here.”
“Why would I be surprised?”
I like how we’re definitely supposed to think Jake is a whip-smart badass standing up to the institutions trying to bring him down… but none of it is particularly effective comedy (the patty-cake quip in particular is more embarrassing than humorous), and even the recipients of his verbal sparring seem less snarked-upon and more mildly annoyed Jake is trying to stir up the same shit again.
ANYWAY, let’s get back into the principal’s office…
“All you did was defend yourself,” he said, his voice rising in anger. “My God, don’t you think I’ve heard that enough from you, Rivers?”
…where Trigger Warning‘s dialogue continues to aim for honest debate, but only achieves something more akin to “friend who isn’t interested in the YouTube video you sent and is just waiting his turn to tell you about a different one”.
“there’s a limit to how much I’ll tolerate […]”
“Why? Because I’m a conservative? In an institution of higher learning, especially, shouldn’t there be room for all different kinds of viewpoints?”
“Not the ones devoted to hate,” Pelletier said as his lip curled in a sneer.
“I don’t hate anybody. Look around at the rest of the country, sir.”
Is this… the same conversation?
“The stock market’s up, unemployment is down, the economy is growing at a nice rate.”
…to prove his point about how he, Jake Rivers, does not hate people based on ideology, I guess?
“Around the world, other countries respect us again.”
“You mean they fear what that lunatic in the White House might do.”
“A little fear can be a healthy thing,” Jake said with a smile.
Wasn’t this a conversation about Jake fighting people? Every sentence in this paragraph feels like it’s part of a different paragraph, none of them particularly well researched.
Let’s say this conversation instead took place, for instance…
… in Harry Potter:
“Why? Because I’m a death eater?” Draco said. “Shouldn’t there be room for different kinds of viewpoints at Hogwarts?”
“Not the ones devoted to hate,” Harry argued.
“I don’t hate anybody. Look around at the rest of the wizarding world, Potter. The galleon is up, a family-run joke shop is a viable business, and the economy is good. Around the world, wizards and muggles respect us again.”
“You mean they fear what Voldemort might do?”
“A little fear can be a healthy thing,” Draco said with a smile.
… in the “but what if both sides” Harry Potter spin-off movies that JK Rowling keeps writing:
“Why? Because I’m a Good Guy?” Young Dumbledore said. “Shouldn’t there be room for different kinds of viewpoints in the wizarding world?”
“Maybe not the ones devoted to hate, though?” The audience watching Crimes of Grindelwald said, nervously.
“I don’t hate anybody. Look around at the rest of the world in the 1920s, Potterheads. Grindelwald has supporters, Dumbledore has supporters, and how about that economy! Around the world, people should just let fascists have rallies because deplatforming only further encourages people to join their side. Yes, I, Young Dumbledore, really make this argument in Crimes of Grindelwald.“
“You mean they fear what JK Rowling might do to the Harry Potter franchise by using it to argue that both sides are bad after 2016 happened?”
“A little fear can be a healthy thing,” Johnny Depp said with a smile.
… in the MCU:
“Why? Because I think we’d solve all our problems by killing half of the population of the universe?” Thanos said. “Shouldn’t there be room for different kinds of viewpoints?”
“Not the ones devoted to killing half of the universe,” Captain America said.
“I don’t hate anybody. Look around at the rest of the universe. Half of it is dead. Half of it is alive. Around the universe, half of the universe is doing great.”
“You mean half of the universe is dead.”
“Why don’t you welcome honest debate?”
…in… fuck it, in fucking SpongeBob SquarePants. Reading this book’s dialogue is like putting an entire iPod on shuffle, so anything goes:
“Why? Because I want to steal the Krabby Patty secret recipe?” Plankton said. “Shouldn’t there be room for competition in the free market?”
“Weren’t we talking about theft?”
“I don’t hate anybody. Look around at the rest of Bikini Bottom, Krabs. The water is blue. The jellyfish are humming. The economy! Around the world, other countries respect us again.”
“Weren’t we talking about theft?”
“A little fear can be a healthy thing,” Plankton said with a smile.
Trigger Warning eventually remembers what this conversation was actually about:
“My grades are fine. You won’t be able to cook up something and claim that I flunked out. Not without falsifying a lot of records and getting a bunch of people to go along with you.”
“Don’t be so sure I couldn’t do that,” Pelletier warned.
He probably could, Jake thought. After all, the left specialized in banding together and spinning false narratives. The mainstream media had been doing it for decades.
…for all of two paragraphs.
[Jake] wasn’t really sure where things stood with Natalie. He knew he liked her, and he believed she liked him. […] She didn’t put politics front and center of everything else in her, life though […] Jake had heard many times that politics had replaced religion for the left, and he firmly believed that was true. Most of the progressives he had encountered were as fervent, fanatical, and evangelical in their politics as Bible-thumping holy rollers were in their spiritual beliefs.
Again, pretty bold claim from an entire book written about owning the libs.
Eventually the actual plot tries to creep back into the book as Jake goes to the library to meet Natalie. Jake sees the groundskeeping crew in the library and idly wonders what they could be doing there, but then he sees Natalie and forgets all about it. Presumably until people start dying.