Well, here we go again. Once again, we’re resuming the neocon fever dream Trigger Warning after a scheduling break, and may god have mercy on our souls. Hope you all enjoyed Goosebumps.
There’s our earlier mid-ish-point summary if you need a more in-depth reminder of what’s happening in this book (and who wouldn’t – it’s less of a book and more of a stroke). But in short, our players are 1) Jake Rivers, former military man and vewy vewy pewsecwuted conservative student at a liberal arts college, 2) Matthias Foster, the leader of a radical, far-left* (*or something) group holding the student population for a $100 million ransom to be paid only by the families of students with a net worth that puts them in the one percent, because “Racism really is systemic in this country” (again, *or something), and 3) …liberals.
Yeah, we gotta ease back into this book. How about instead of the usual one-chapter post today, we cover… three?
Trigger Warning: Chapter 26
Chief McRainey is found after his intense knife fight by fellow officer Jeff Baglet, and they figure out what’s going on. Chief McRainey is apparently fine (the book tells us because of his “iron will”, so, sure) and tells the EMTs who want to take him to a hospital because his knife wounds are too deep that he needs to stay because, dammit, the campus needs a lone wolf American-ass hero who’s gonna solve everything by himself him.
“We’ll have Homeland and ATF swarming all over.”
“Better them than us, Chief, no offense. This is above our pay grade.”
That rankled McRainey, and the irritation gave him more strength.
“Nothing that concerns the safety of this campus and its students is above my pay grade”
That’s basically all that happens in this chapter. See? We can do this!
Oh, also PoLiTiCs happens.
[Jeff Bagley] had his cell phone out.
“Chief, you need to see this, he said. “It’s streaming live all over the place.” […]
McRainey could make out most of what he was saying. It was the usual left-wing drivel about how the evil one-percenters were responsible for everything that was wrong with the world.
As it happened, McRainey actually did believe that there was too much income inequality in the country. For the most part, though, it wasn’t the high earners who drove the economy and paid 95 percent of the taxes who were responsible for it.
McRainey then goes on a rant for a page about how actually rich people are great so it’s all Democrats’ fault for creating middle class dependency on government programs, before he/the author seems to remember there’s plot happening at this particular moment in time and then abruptly thinks, “None of which had much bearing on the current disaster, so McRainey tamped those thoughts down as they flashed through his brain.” Very natural, book. McRainey then passes out despite his iron will, probably because he’s just so mad about social welfare.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 27
It’s a whole-ass chapter of Dr. Montambault! You know, the white dude who “identifies” as black out of white guilt! Him! This is honestly the biggest surprise in this whole book so far because… why.
He briefly avoids detection by one of the gunmen in a special collection room in the library before being shot at. His survival instincts kick in, he pushes a bookshelf over on the gunman. This knocks the gun away, he picks it up and fires three rounds at the gunman, and then escapes through the air-conditioning ducts in the ceiling this is really what’s happening this is Dr. Fucking Montambault we’re talking about also he pauses to reflect on his colonialist ancestors this is all real
He thought about his ancestors then, too. Ever since he had been old enough to understand the evils of imperialism, he had been ashamed of the role some of his forebears had played in colonizing Africa. They had been brutal rapists and exploiters and killers.
But if one of them had been able to come down through the mists of time and stand between Montambault and that gunman right now, he would have welcomed the old reprobate with open arms.
That wasn’t going to happen, of course.
Book. You can’t keep doing this “of course, it was ridiculous for this character to be thinking about The Discourse at this time” thing. That’s really not how verisimilitude works.
Trigger Warning: Chapter 28
Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: a Jake chapter! It is surprisingly tame PoLiTiCs-wise, although he does kick things off with a batshit implication that only The Left uses (checks notes) bombs.
Jake wasn’t surprised to hear the bomb threat come out of the man’s mouth. He knew enough about the radical left movement to know they had always been bombers, going all the way back to the fifties and sixties. That was just part of their methodology.
No one right of center has ever used a bomb in the history of time. Read a book, liberals.
Things get wilder when Jake also decides that Matthias Foster’s bomb threat is an empty threat because he doesn’t have “the fires of fanaticism that burn [in his] eyes” based on this one time in the army when he killed a dude who did but did not kill a dude who didn’t, who just dropped his weapon and ran away. Or, in other words, the main character just knows, you know?
Natalie whispers to Jake not to do anything stupid, and he agrees that for now he should wait for a better opportunity to get an upper hand. The rest of the chapter pivots to a truly unhinged dialogue between one of the gunmen and Fareed, the one Muslim character who appears in this book, doing exactly what you expect from this book:
Fareed called out quickly, “Do not shoot, brother! You and I are on the same side.”
The gunman looked more amused than angered by that bold statement.
“Is that so?” he asked. “How do you figure that . . . brother?”
“We both believe that this materialistic American society is the source of everything that is wrong in the world,” Fareed declared. “We both would like to see it replaced.”
“By a caliphate ruled by sharia law?”
Fareed shrugged.
“What would you prefer?” he asked. “A godless communist government? That argument is an endless one, and it can be resumed at another time. What is important now is that we both would like to see this country full of heathen capitalists and imperialists brought low, is that not true?”
“It is,” the gunman admitted. “We agree on the need for change.”
I gotta hand it to Trigger Warning for sticking to its “can’t we all just have a rational debate” angle so hard that it thinks that these two people would really have a calm, eloquent discussion about ideology during this hostage situation.
“Let me help you destroy this land of . . . of Kardashians!”
I can’t tell what is and isn’t supposed to be a joke in this book anymore.
Fareed asks to be given a gun, the gunman laughs at him and tells him to go back down to the floor with the others, where Fareed, Pierce, and the rest of their study group have yet another conversation even the book admits is too ridiculous to plausibly happen at this moment.
“Don’t judge me,” he whispered. “You should have been just as willing as I was to join forces with them. Your people are as oppressed as mine.”
“My father owns two Fortune 500 companies,” Pierce replied, keeping his voice equally low. He was a little angry now, on top of being scared. “He’s as much a one-percenter as anybody else that guy was raving about. When you count my trust fund and everything else I’ll inherit, I suppose I will be, too. So don’t go thinking I’m opposed to the same things he is.” […]
Margery stared at Pierce and said, “Uncle Tom.”
“How do you even know about that?” Pierce asked as he struggled to control the irritation he felt. […] “I don’t—” Pierce stopped short. This was a ridiculous conversation to be having in angry whispers, especially while madmen with guns were stalking around
BOOK. WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT DOING THIS? Cut it out!
Also, lmao, what is Pierce supposed to be saying? “I come from lots and lots of money, so therefore I’m totally cool with systemic income inequality”? Is that what he’s arguing here because I can’t figure out how else you could read this welcome the fuck back Trigger Warning are you sure you’re doing ok
Is it bad that I, well, want to see more books of this author? In a omg-a-fifty-pile-up-trainwreck-can-it-get-even-worse way it’s weirdly fascinating.
Also, I think I cannot pity the author – JA – enough. According to the list on Goodreads, she has published over 200 books but with the name of her late uncle printed on them as the big main author. No wonder the books are so shitty, if it were my job to ghostwrite for a dead person earning most of the fame, my performance would also be sub-optimal.
I think my performance would also be suboptimal if I had churned out TWO HUNDRED BOOKS PERIOD
“They had been brutal rapists and exploiters and killers.
But if one of them had been able to come down through the mists of time and stand between Montambault and that gunman right now, he would have welcomed the old reprobate with open arms.”
Fhgfsafhj what is this even SAYING. Is this, like…I don’t even know! He sympathizes with his imperialist ancestors now because they were better at shooting than him?? I guess???
right??? it’s super unclear how apologist this is SUPPOSED to be?? like, is this supposed to be montambault thinking “oh man, I was too quick to judge!” or the author going “lol look at the hypocrisy of the left!” neither of these are… GREAT options…