As Matthew and I continue to discuss time constraints and project interests, one thing is clear: HALLOWEEN TRADITIONS ARE SACRED TO US!
Reader beware, you’re in for a…choose your own adventure? Yes, friends, not only are we back for our annual tradition of reading Goosebumps, but we come bearing an exciting twist. There are no chapters this time! Instead, Matthew and I will read up until a choice (or in some cases back up to a previous choice if WE HAVE FACED CERTAIN DEATH) and then throw the ball back to our partner in crime.
So without further adieu, welcome to this year’s reading of…
Yes, you read all of the things right. A GRANDMA WHO IS ALSO A SECRET AGENT! TWENTY DIFFERENT SCARY ENDINGS! THIS WAS ONLY THE SIXTEENTH BOOK AND NOT THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTIETH-SCRAPING-THE-BOTTOM-OF-THE-BARREL BOOK ONE WOULD HAVE EXPECTED!
It’s been so long since I’ve read a choose your own adventure, that I’d completely forgotten that a big aspect of them is that they’re often written in the second person to truly immerse you in the experience of choosing the adventure. In this spirit, I’ll be referring to the protagonist as ME.
The book opens with a conversation between mom and me where she reminds me that when I go to meet grandma at the train station I’ll recognize her by her outfit: yellow stretch pants and a purple shirt. Damn. I think this book should be correctly titled Secret Fashionista Grandma.
“I take a cab to the railroad station. I wait on the platform on the incoming side of the station. Grandma’s train arrives at one P.M. I’ll know her by the yellow stretch pants and purple shirt she’ll be wearing. Then, if she hasn’t been arrested by the fashion police for wearing such a wacko outfit —”
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 1). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Holy shit! I’m so immersed because the character even makes the same kind of jokes as me! I swear I stopped at “yellow stretch pants and purple shirt” to write my fashionista joke. Choose my own adventure indeed.
More importantly, is anyone else concerned that M. Night Shyamalan got his idea for the plot of The Visit from this? Parents, I genuinely love the chilling plot twist of hey for some reason I never showed you a picture of your grandparents but go stay with them anyway! I won’t be anywhere near the vicinity to make sure you are correctly handed off to the right person, bye now! I mean seriously, I am getting chills just thinking about the reveal of oh my god this person isn’t the person they were supposed to be RUN AND HIDE IN THE CREEPY CELLAR.
Anyway, sorry for the movie spoilers to the five people reading this post if any of you hadn’t seen the movie yet, but it came out five years ago, so let’s be honest, were you really going to watch it at this point if you haven’t already?
My mom is none too pleased with my disparaging joke about Grandma’s planned outfit. Dad wanders in and assures me that grandma is full of surprises, which I’m skeptical of.
Damn it, no choices yet! WHAT IF I WANT TO GO TO PAGE 3? I’m gonna! I swear I’m gonna! Just kidding, I think Matthew would be disappointed in me.
My parents head to the car to leave for their trip, and mom is acting pretty ominous about the whole thing.
“I guess you’ll be all right,” she says uncertainly.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 2). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
“Of course I will!” you assure her. “What could happen?”
Mom, what could happen is twenty different possible endings only four of which are good, apparently. This also seriously makes me wonder about the family history here. Why is grandma being entrusted to watch me when I don’t even know what she looks like? Why has grandma been so absent from my life? The true horror simmering beneath the flashy title is that of family secrets and the insidious damage they cause over time.
So for some reason, my parents leave now and then I take a cab to the train station to get my grandmother who apparently can be trusted to watch me but not to just get a cab to my house.
Yep, that feels right.
As soon as I get to the train station, I hear my name over the loudspeaker and I go to the main office to take a static-y call from my mother.
“Do you want me to go home? What about Grandma?”
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 3). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
“Pssssfffft — danger … grandmother …”
That’s all you hear. Then the line goes dead.
PAGE 108?? Before I’ve even made a single choice? This book is keeping me on my toes.
After hanging up, I try to figure out what my mother was trying to tell me. Suddenly, the train station begins to rumble! And I’m presented with my first choice!
If any of you watched the I Love You, Colonel Sanders! play-through videos we did, you’ll know that I always recommend terrible choices! So, Matthew, you have to give getting out of there a go even though that clearly will lead to our death somehow.