Previously, we spotted a baffling message on one of the train windows: EMPLEH, EMPLEH. Matthew has decided it’s time to turn to page 129 and get some help figuring out what this means. I can only assume our character pauses the book to read or watch The Shining.
Over on page 129, I ask grandma if she knows what ‘Empleh’ means. Grandma plays it cool and tells me I have “such an imagination.” She pretty much tries to gaslight me into thinking there’s nothing written on the train window.
As she’s rushing us away from the train station, I have a revelation: I know what empleh means! There’s no choice here, I’m just hustled over to page 31.
“EMPLEH!” you tell Grandma excitedly. “It’s HELP ME spelled backward.”
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 31). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Oh, wow, I’m actually impressed by myself for figuring that out so quickly. I would probably be good at crossword puzzles and sudoku in this world, I bet. Is that a choice in this book? Let’s go do that instead!
“Grandma!” You tug at her sleeve. “We have to go back! Someone on the train needs our help!”
“Oh, Cookie.” She sighs. “I didn’t want to have to do this so soon. But you give me no choice. I can’t allow you to interfere with my mission.”
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 31). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
GRANDMA STRAIGHT UP PULLS OUT A LASER “DEVICE” AND ZAPS ME WITH IT! Then she has the audacity to demand I take her to my mother’s rose garden.
Successfully mind-controlled by not-Grandma’s laser device, I take her to the rose garden where she proceeds to start screaming about her babies and digs up hundreds of alien eggs. Unclear how I know they are alien eggs as opposed to, I don’t know, literally any other non-alien species of egg, but okay.
Somehow this is not the end of the book and I’m told to go to page 45?? I have a terrible feeling that both the big ‘reveal’ of the book has happened already AND that this death is being needlessly dragged out. The true horror! EMPLEH! EMPLEH!
Alien babies burst from the purple shells. They crawl everywhere, oozing yellow slime.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 45). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition
I feel like at least now that I can see what’s in the eggs it’s more appropriate to label them as aliens.
Also, nice detail that there is purple and yellow involved. I like that on whatever alien planet this is, that’s the color scheme of choice. An alien race that develops their fashion sense together stays together.
Grandma dances around, screaming about how she’s going to take over the world with her army of alien babies.
An alien crawls over to me, and I decide it’s cute.
You pick it up. It makes a sound like a cat purring. Oh, well. If aliens are going to rule Earth, it would probably be a good idea to have at least one alien on your side. Maybe then you won’t come to such a terrifying
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 45). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Oh, fuck this book.
Take 3!
Change of course! We’re headed onto page 14 where we figure out what ’empleh’ means on our own.
This time around, I’m about to tell the woman we are now 100% certain is an imposter grandmother (seriously, the whole jig is up really early!) that the message says, ‘help me’ when something in the train catches my eye. I RUSH OVER TO PAGE 98 TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!
Inside the train, a woman is fighting with two men. Even more shocking is that the woman is wearing yellow stretch pants and a purple shirt!
The two thug-like men yank her under each arm and lift her out of the seat. Her terrified eyes lock onto yours as she is dragged roughly into the aisle. The men pull her toward the door at the far end of the car.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 98). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
I’m told to hurry to page 54, which I do without question…or choice.
Imposter!grandma asks me if I’m okay, and of course in the story, I still don’t know she’s an evil alien who wants to take over the world with her baby alien army.
Finally, there’s a choice to be made. Do I get a cab home with the grandma beside me? Or do I get on the train and find out if the other grandma-looking grandma is my grandma.
I’m just a power-hungry dick at this point, so Matthew, turn to page 26.