What If We Just Ask Grandma What’s Up: Goosebumps – Secret Agent Grandma #9

Grandma shows up while my friends and I are snooping in her room. I realize now that overly invasive cab driver would have loved to be included in this snoop session, and I feel bad there was no option to invite him along on our misadventures.

To avoid getting caught by grandma, I flee through the window. I swear to god if the book is like, “You fall on the ground and purple and yellow alien babies eat you alive!” I will never do another post for this book again.

“Try to land in the rose garden,” you instruct your friends. “The bushes should help cushion the fall.”

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 106). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Motherfucker! I was kidding!

You land on a tall rose bush. Thorns poke you all over. You feel shaken up, but you aren’t hurt. Andrew and Sophie leap down beside you.

You pull yourself out of the scratchy branches and plop onto the soft ground. You gaze up at the window.

Grandma smiles down at you.

A chilling, evil smile.

Then she vanishes back inside.

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 106). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Everything is fine, I’m turning to page 63, and everything is going to be fine.

You scramble to your feet. You push aside a clump of roses.

And come face to face with a pair of eyes.

Eyes in the middle of a big fat rose!

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 63). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

I SWEAR TO GOD, BOOK, I AM LEAVING!

This book loves to toy with its prey, so I’m now ushered over to page 103. There is something existentially upsetting about the times when I can feel my impending doom and yet the book insists on telling me to go to specific pages, guiding me down an inescapable path towards my imminent demise.

We try to escape from the rose garden, but grandma shows up…chanting a nursery rhyme…and…

Then you realize the horrible truth. You no longer have feet. You have roots.

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 103). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Wait a second–I HAVE HAD THIS ENDING BEFORE FUCK THIS! I’m not turning to page 113 where I know that grandma says that STUPID ROSES ARE RED AND NOW I’M A ROSE POEM. Nuh-uh. No way.

Okay so I’m instead going to page 82 where I can choose to hide in the closet. My rabbits who inexplicably are obsessed with my bedroom closet would absolutely approve of this non-choice in the book.

After a few tense moments, you hear the door open and close again. You glance at Sophie and Andrew. Sophie shrugs. Andrew opens his eyes and nods.

You take a deep breath and open the door.

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 82). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Thank god, the coast is clear.

Sophie snoops around the closet and finds a mask that looks like my mother’s face. Understandably, I wonder why she would have something like that with her. I mean, I’m curious too. Is this so if the real grandmother shows up, she can pretend to be the mother? That’s kind of brilliant.

“I don’t get it!” you wail. “None of this makes any sense. Why would Grandma have these things? Why is she obsessed with the rose garden? And those clippings! What is up with all this?”

“I think you should go ask her,” Sophie suggests.

“Are you nuts?” Andrew scoffs. “We should wait until the meteor shower and see if she does something.”

Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 127). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.

While I absolutely love the choice to just rock up to Grandma going, “What’s up? What gives?” and then instantly being killed by acid, eaten by sentient plants, or turned into a plant, I will tell Matthew to go check out this meteor shower situation.