I have to say, I think Matthew’s thought-process for the last choice was brilliant. It’s so deeply ingrained in us that figures of authority in horror either can’t save the day, refuse to save the day, or are part of the system, man that I instantly recoiled from Andrew’s suggestion of getting his parents for help. Oh, foolish foolish, Andrew, I thought, your innocence will soon be lost.
Luckily for Andrew, his innocence would never be put to the test because we’re going with Sophie’s badass plan to FIGHT THE ALIENS OURSELVES ARMED ONLY WITH THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!
But how can you stop them? you wonder. You watch the horrifying creatures, trying to think of an idea.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 88). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
This is a great question, and we don’t have much time to decide! The alien babies are eating all the roses, which apparently will give them the super strength they need to take over the world!
“Let’s squash them!” you decide. “While they’re all in the garden.”
“Brilliant,” Sophie replies. “How?”
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 88). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Damn it, Sophie, why don’t you come up with an actual idea for your ‘let’s stop them’ plan, huh?
Why can’t all ideas be this simple? I want to turn to page 13 to figure out the answer to questions like ‘what should I have for dinner’ or ‘does anything have any meaning at all?’
Over on good old, anwer-filled page 13, I decide to…throw things at them. Given my idea was to squash them, I’m not sure what the hell kind of plan this is, but okay. At least I’m trying unlike some people *cough* Sophie and Andrew *cough*.
We run into the house to find something to throw.
“Let’s use this!” Andrew struggles to get the mattress off the bed. You and Sophie help him drag it to the window.
“One! Two!” You strain to lift the mattress over the sill. “Three!”
The mattress drops directly on top of the group of aliens.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 13). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
I’m sorry, Andrew, you came through in the clutch, after all.
The anticipation.
You open your mouth to say something. But then your jaw drops. Dozens of wormy aliens slither out from under the mattress.
And they’re bigger than they were five minutes ago!
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 9). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
THIS IS NOT IDEAL! We all panic and basically start throwing literally anything.
Frantically, you grab a chair and footstool. Out the window! Andrew and Sophie toss down Grandma’s suitcases. You hurl out the stereo and a radio. They land with a crash. The radio blasts on.
There’s nothing left to throw. And the aliens are still swarming around in the garden!
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 9). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
It feels like such a bad sign that there’s no commentary here. Just an ominous, inescapable command to turn to page 130.
Just when it seems like all hope is lost, I notice that the aliens near the radio “shrivel up and fall over.” Holy fucking shit, everyone. I joked before that this whole ‘grandma is not my real grandma’ thing was the plot to M. Night Shyamalan’s movie The Visit, but did he also get the idea for Signs from this same fucking book? I need an entire investigative report dedicated to this.
You dash into your room and get your radio. Sophie grabs your mp3 player. Andrew snatches an old CD player.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 130). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Wait what?? When was this written? There were mp3 players in this???? It says this was published in 1997???????????
Everyone, everyone, hurry! Come down this Wikipedia rabbit hole with me!
HOW THE FUCK DO I HAVE AN MP3 PLAYER I’M SO CONFUSED? AM I SUPER COOL AND RICH AND AHEAD OF THE GAME IN THIS STORY?????
You aim the radio at a group of creatures. Their slimy skin puckers, turning black. They curl up. Little wisps of smoke rise from their crinkly bodies.
It’s working!
Sophie and Andrew use the mp3 and CD players in the same way. Little aliens are shriveling all around you.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 130). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Can someone who remembers the 90s more accurately explain any of this to me? I guess the CD player could be like a boombox and battery powered (I remember mine plugged in, though). But this alleged mp3 player??? Wouldn’t that need headphones??
But none of that matters, we’re ushered to page 112.
Grandma is none to happy with us. She grabs away the mp3 player! Smashes the CD player! I…am scared so I drop the radio…and then don’t pick it back up for some reason? And for some reason me dropping it means it goes silent? Sure.
Aliens swarm around you. Their teeth dig into your ankles.
Think of something! Try anything!
Maybe it wasn’t sound waves that killed the creatures, you realize. Maybe it was music!
You sing the first words that pop into your head. “Happy birthday to you,” you warble.
“Nooo!” Grandma shrieks again.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 112). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
We all just stand around singing “Happy Birthday”.
After five choruses of “Happy Birthday,” the garden is filled with dead aliens. You defeated them all. Even Grandma.
Stine, R. L.. Secret Agent Grandma (Give Yourself Goosebumps #16) (p. 112). Scholastic Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Um. Okay.
Sophie asks if we should tell anyone, but I just smile and suggest we start a singing group. I know I’m on a high right now, but this is a terrible plan because it wasn’t until 2015 that the evil was defeated and we could all rest easy knowing we could sing “Happy Birthday” in peace.
Oh my god, I’m the worst. I deserved all those other bad endings I got.