My mother told me I wasn’t putting enough pictures in my posts “like Matt.” Well, why don’t you just adopt Matt then, Mom, huh?
I just want to make you proud, Mommy.
So I tried testing out some of the searches about Christian’s penis, and sure enough, if you enter “Christian Grey penis” into google, my post Sandstoned or Sandboned is one of the top results! I’ll be sure to include references to Christian’s penis as more information presents itself. One can only conclude that by chapter ten or so, I’ll be one of the leading scholars in the field, second only to E.L. James herself. I’m reluctant to read the sites that came up before me in the results, lest there be spoilers about this enticing matter.
Chapter four begins with Ana still in Christian’s arms, having been rescued from a cyclist speeding down the wrong side of the street. I’d like to take this moment to issue a PSA about cyclists and mention how much I despise them. For some reason, they always decide to ride in the middle of the road so you can’t pass them, and even if there’s a sidewalk, they won’t move onto it so you can get by. Alternatively, if you’re walking on the sidewalk, they suddenly appear and almost run you over, and you’re like, oh now you choose to get off the road! This is currently my favorite part of Fifty Shades because it vilifies cyclists. I don’t care if you are going green, stop being a dick.
Christian does not seize this opportunity to kiss Ana, and instead whispers, “Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.” Woah. This is an M. Night Shyamalan level twist here. Maybe these two crazy kids don’t end up together after all.
Kidding! Just a week after this warning, Christian sends Ana three first editions of Tess of the d’Urbervilles with a semi-cryptic quote that’s actually just a reiteration of his former warning, undermined by the fact that he’s spent about fourteen thousand dollars on this gift by Ana’s estimate. This girl is a bona fide English major, so she knows how to appraise a book.
Ana goes out to celebrate her upcoming graduation by…getting drunk for the first time? Oh, please. But it does heighten the drama later when she drunk dials Christian, and he overreacts to her inebriation and demands to know what bar she’s at.
“Why did you send me the books, Christian?”
“Anastasia, where are you? Tell me now.” His tone is so…so dictatorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and riding crop.”
When she doesn’t tell him where she is, he does the next logical thing and tracks her phone’s GPS. Luckily, Christian shows up just in the nick of time as José is trying to kiss a protesting Ana…about five seconds after she initially calls Christian. Man, this is one roller coaster ride of a chapter.
Christian appears and is all, “I think the lady said no,” because somehow he has the ability to teleport. Now that this isn’t Twilight, and he’s not a vampire, there really isn’t a plausible explanation for this turn of events. I guess it’s a rich guy thing.
The rest of the chapter is incredibly boring. Ana throws up a lot while José is like, “Ew,” and excuses himself, but Christian sticks around and holds Ana’s hair back. Kate starts hookin’ up with Christian’s brother Elliot, which I bet you’re all eager to hear more about later, am I right?
Also this happens:
“He’s leading me onto the dance floor. Shit. I do not dance…my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance.
I didn’t realize Ana’s mother was Rev. Moore from Footloose. That explains a lot. Actually, aside from this peculiar and oddly specific warning, it really doesn’t explain very much at all. I know her mom went through a lot of guys, but I’m really curious as to how and why this was enough of an issue that it was a warning given more than once and not in jest.
This chapter again ends with Ana falling into Christian’s arms. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier.
Ana wakes up mostly naked in Christian’s bed and is understandably perplexed because she has no recollection of how the previous night ended. She asks Christian if there was any hot, life-changing banging between them, but doesn’t seem troubled with silly details of consent or cognizance. Surprisingly enough, the potential of rape does not merit a triple crap, or any crap at all for that matter.
James, however, takes this moment to reveal that Christian’s sexual kinks do, in fact, have limitations, “Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive.” A man who’s not into necrophilia? What a catch!
Here we go, ya’ll, here’s where the nudity happens. First Christian takes a shower, and then Ana takes a shower. Awwww yeah. Steamy stuff. Ana’s like, “For the first time in my life, I want to go to bed with a man. I want to feel his hands and mouth on me.” I’m not sure why this needed to be specified. Before that line I wasn’t assuming he would just be nuzzling her or rubbing her with his feet.
Not much else really happens in this chapter, they set a date for the following evening, and presumably Ana will find Christian’s sex dungeon…I mean, all will be revealed. We find out Christian goes nutso when Ana bites her lip (and yes, this does come up over and over again in the future, so it’s worth mentioning.) He also tells her they can’t have sex unless he has a written contract from her. How intriguing and not at all creepy.
Then they make out in an elevator and it’s as tediously and awkwardly described as you can imagine, “My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow, erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind.” “It’s only just not painful.” Sadly, that’s not how I feel about reading this book.
In the spirit of honesty, I feel I need to mention something sort of positive about this chapter. I so desperately want to read this book with an open mind and understand why it’s a best seller that I will virtually latch onto anything even remotely likable about these characters. There are approximately two such moments in this chapter!
Christian jokes around about what happened at the beginning of chapter four, “‘Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist–and I was holding you and you were looking up at me–all “kiss me Christian” I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.” Okay, so that last bit made me roll my eyes, but it was nice to read some dialogue that actually could come out of a person’s mouth (which I guess makes it kind of inconsistent since the rest of the time Christian talks it sounds so fucking stupid).
Even Ana has a semi-likable moment! Christian doesn’t understand why she won’t apply for his internship, and he asks what’s wrong with his company. Instead of blushing or saying “crap!” Ana just goes, “Your company or your company.” Wow, something that sounds like actual, realistic flirting. Go chapter five!
Notes ‘n Quotes
- “Damn it, he wants his pound of flesh.” All I could think of when I read this was Florence and the Machine’s Shake it Out and that line, “Every demon wants its pound of flesh.” I talked to Florence, the machine, and the demon in question and they all wanted to distance themselves as much as possible from this book.
- “Stop! Stop now! My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration.”
- “Oh, Ana…are you ever going to live this down?” My subconscious is figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half-moon specs.
It’s perplexing that she chooses these specific moments to inform us her subconscious is not literally screaming or tutting. Does this mean the other times she speaks to her subconscious are not metaphorical or figurative? Perhaps this lends more credibility to Matt’s theory that this is really the tale of a schizophrenic woman, Fifty Shades of Schizo. It would be a lot more compelling if we found out in the third book that Christian was just an elaborate fantasy, and it would actually be a valid explanation for pretty much everything in these books except for “Never trust a man who can dance”.
- “I dream of gray eyes and leafy patterns in milk.” Is this a reference to fortune tellers? What?Vague and mysterious imagery does not a clever dream make, James, I boo you loudly and ferociously.
- “I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything.” Another example of Ana overreacting to Normal Human Behavior like asking how someone’s day was or leaving them hangover cures after a rough night.
- And in the very same paragraph as the quote above, “The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst quenching and refreshing.” Is this some sort of weird, pornagraphic advertisement for orange juice? If it is, it’s a disappointing one. I’d like to take this moment to advertise my shoes, “These sneakers are fabulous. They fit and protect my feet from glass.” I apologize for that blatant product placement.
- “Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.” While Ana reacts to his thoughtful gift of advil with sarcastic thoughts, she reacts to this incredibly creepy comment not with horror but with “I wish I were his.” What the balls?
- “‘I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want you getting ill.’ There’s some kind of unspoken promise in his words. What does he mean?” I’m an English major, and I can’t even find a deeper meaning here.
- You know, it’s bad enough this book takes place in Seattle like Grey’s Anatomy, but then after they make out, Christian says, “What is it about elevators,” THAT IS GREY’S THING, YOU BACK OFF! BACK OFF NOW, I SAY!