On Tuesday, ten whole people found us by searching for Fifty Shades related things. How splendid! One search was, “Does Christian Grey die?” Don’t get my hopes up, searchers; I don’t know if I could handle that kind of disappointment.
The penis searchers are still a steady force, definitely responsible for keeping this blog afloat. So this post’s for you, penis searchers! Couldn’t do it without ya.
Also, as I first started writing this, someone searched, “Topless pictures of Christian Grey”. This serves a reminder for me to be grateful that this book does not contain pictures.
I did google image search this myself, and instead found potential actors to play Christian. I can only imagine if Ryan Gosling gets the part there will be an insurmountable number of “Hey, girl, I’d never hurt you unless you signed a contract” memes going around.
As we approach what I’ve heard is a staggering amount of sex, the book begins to very subtly allude to Christian’s enormous penis. And by “very subtly” I mean very obviously, in case that wasn’t abundantly clear. More importantly, chapter six answers the question that was on everyone’s mind since day one: What kind of music does Christian like? As Christian drives Ana back to her house he tells her:
“My taste is eclectic, Anastasia, everything from Thomas Talis to The Kings of Leon.” He presses a button and The Kings of Leon start singing. Hmm…this I know. ‘Sex on Fire.’ How appropriate.
Not until you sign a weird sex contract, Ana, please hand-cuff your horses. Elliot calls, and this perplexing bit of dialogue happens:
“Who’s with you?”
Christian rolls his eyes. ”Anastasia Steele.”
I’m not clear on why Ana thinks her name with such shock. Even if she’s surprised by Elliot referring to her by the shortened version of her name, why not just say, “I’m surprised when he doesn’t call me Anastasia.” I mean, last chapter she told us the ins and outs of the orange juice she was drinking, why not give details where they’re actually needed for clarity?
Or maybe she was just cheering for herself. That would be a nice way for Ana to build some self-esteem already.
Moving on, we confirm that Kate and Elliot got it on the night before, and Ana’s all jealous and pouty because she only got to make out in an elevator. Ana informs Kate that Christian will be taking her to Seattle later, and Kate again expresses random mistrust of Christian. Maybe Elliot told he something we don’t know? If only I had enough confidence in this book to believe that was the case.
Quiz time! Answers revealed at the end of the post! “We’re up close, it’s much bigger than I thought.”
About six pages of this chapter are dedicated to Christian piloting his freaking helicopter and Ana being awed by it. Then this happens, “Put your cans on.” I’m not even going to bother with a poll for this one, even though I’m very tempted. Headphones is the right answer, technically.
BUT once Ana gets to Christian’s place, this happens:
“It’s a very big __ you have here.” “
“It’s big,” he agrees, and his eyes gleam with amusement.
This is actually written in a book that was published that people are purchasing. Just take a second to let that sink in.
Finally, Christian says, “I want to show you my playroom.” And Ana is like, “You want to play on your Xbox?” Oh, girl. Then she sees the room:
And it feels like I’ve time-travelled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition. Holy fuck.
James missed a really great opportunity to make a joke about all the Katherine Kavanagh inquisitions. I’m sorry, but that’s a damn shame.
Ana sees Christian’s sex room and is mystified, which is actually one example of Ana exhibiting a Normal Human Reaction. Well, at first. Then she has to go and bring her subconscious into it and make it weird again:
My subconscious has either emigrated or been struck dumb or keeled over and expired.
Emigrated? Expired? Well, that’s just absurd. English majors shouldn’t be making these kind of diction errors, it’s just not right.
Christian then explains that this is what he’s into, and he’s had previous relationships that utilize his playroom. A lot.
“If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?”
“Because I want to do this with you, very much.”
“Oh,” I gasp. Why?
Okay, at this point how can she possibly be surprised that he wants to sleep with her? How has this not been made abundantly clear? Don’t make me punch you in the subconscious, Ana.
Christian then explains to Ana if she chooses to agree to this, she’ll get her own room in this house (which “you can decorate how you like”, thrilling) and stay there Friday-Sunday. Christian is a Dominant, which means Ana has to surrender herself to him. His words, not mine.
Look, I really do understand why BDSM appeals to some people to an extent, but a lot of this contract just weirds me out, and I’m not seeing the sexy. For instance, there’s a specific section about exercise; Ana has to work out with a personal trainer four times a week, and this trainer reports back to Christian about Ana’s progress. Now, part of me is insanely jealous because, hello, free personal trainer, but the other part of me just doesn’t get it.
In the obedience section it explains that the Submissive has to obey the Dominant, and there’s a punishment and rewards system. Okay, that’s digestible enough. But then there’s a sleep section where it explains Ana’s going to have to get at least seven hours of sleep a night even when she’s not with the Dominant. If only Christian had the kind of power Edward Cullen had, the kind that allows you to sneak into girls’ bedrooms and watch them sleep.
There’s a prescribed list of foods she can eat, and when Ana’s with Christian she has to wear clothes he approves of. Or maybe he has to approve all of her clothes? I got a little confused because Ana kind of argues with him over this point, and eventually he concedes that she can wear her own clothes on her own time or something.
She can’t sleep with anyone else, can’t drink excessively, smoke, do drugs, or put herself in unnecessary danger (I will bet about 4000000000000000000 dollars that she will put herself in a lot of unnecessary danger. I know Bella Swan. I know this fucking stupid drill.)
Thankfully, Christian makes it clear there isn’t going to be any bestiality or urine or anything too freaky weird. I had a feeling that would be the case, because I don’t think you become a bestseller with suburban housewives or my friends if you write a book with bestiality or someone getting pooped on sexually.
Ana eloquently punctuates the chapter with, Holy fuck!
Notes n’ Quotes
-As Christian pulls up to Ana’s house she realizes he hasn’t, you know, asked for an address or anything. “But he sent the books; of course he knows where I live. What able, cellphone-tracing helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t?” She follows this line of thought up with, “Why won’t he kiss me again?”
-”‘Laters, baby.’ He grins.
Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before–the words ‘Comely’ and ‘Compliant’ come to mind.” …Laters baby? I mean really, if anyone ever said that to me, specifically someone that I’d just slept with, I would strongly reconsider my life choices.
-”Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”…
“No, Anastasia…it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck…hard. Second, there’s a lot more paperwork to do.” I can’t even begin to express how hard this makes me laugh. The first part alone is comedy gold, but then any potential sexiness is just completely undermined by the idea of paperwork. I’ll never forget you, this line.
Poll one: Why yes, the answer was “A helicopter that is also a metaphor for Christian’s penis.”
Poll two: You guessed it, the correct answer was, “A living room that is also a metaphor for Christian’s penis.”
“Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers, each drawer slim as if designed to contain specimens in a crusty old museum.” What a strange and specific design!
-”What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist?” Well, if you’re choosing to use the word “freaky” to precede “sadist or masochist”, your answer appears to be clear: leave.
-”Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs. Jones–my housekeeper–has left this for supper.” Food is handled really strangely in this book. I’m not sure how a question of why and how Christian got into BDSM segued into a discussion about cheese, but it’s real and it happened.
-”We’re talking about cheese…Holy crap!” After reading this line, I immediately contacted Matt for his expertise about all matters “crap scale“, and he told me this would require an alarming amount of work and revision. I can only assume many numbers will be crunched and experts consulted about where a “holy crap” fits in, and why discussing cheese merits it.