Hey ya’ll, writing to you from Seattle. Still haven’t done the Fifty Shades tour or whatever, but here’s to hoping I can find Grey Enterprises!
I wonder if there are a bunch of guy’s named Christian Grey out there who now wish they were dead.
Christian wakes Ana up because he’s taking her to a dinner thing with the fam. Ana expresses amazement that, “He’s just worked me over with a riding crop and trussed me up using a cable tie which I sold him, for heaven’s sake–and I’m going to meet his parents.” I hope when Ana tells Christian’s parents about their situation, she leaves out the part where she’s the one who sold him the cable tie, otherwise that conversation might get really awkward really fast.
Ana finally understands the personal trainer aspect of the relationship because she is so exhausted after her night and wants to be able to keep up with Christian in the future.
After what is actually an incredibly long inner dialogue, Ana decides to go to this parental dinner without panties. Don’t worry, I’ll put the whole, ridiculous thought process in Notes ‘n’ Quotes, but seriously, I can’t believe this is Ana’s brilliant plan to get back at Christian for stealing her panties. She declares, “I will go meet his parents sans culottes.” Um, you do realize, Ana, that not wearing underwear around his parents is not really that rebellious. Under normal circumstances they’ll have absolutely no idea what a gosh darn rebel you are. But she’s all, “I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.”
So then Ana goes to find Christian and thinks something so hilarious that it sounds like something I would write in this post as a joke, “Christian is standing by the panoramic window, wearing the grey flannel pants that I love, the ones that hang in that unbelievably sexy way off his hips, and, of course, a white linen shirt. Doesn’t he have any other colors? Frank Sinatra sings softly over the surround-sound speakers.”
1) Pants hanging off hips is definitely getting added to part 2 of the drinking game.
2) When has Christian’s choice in color for shirts ever come up prior to this? The answer is never. And I take notes on this book.
3) The sudden reference to Frank Sinatra playing on the surround-sound speakers is so jarring, so random, and so wonderful, that it has single-handedly put me in an amazing mood. It’s like James accidentally switched it from another paragraph and was like, “Meh, I’ll keep it in. Copy pasting it back would take too long.”
Now that we’re only doing a chapter per post, I can give you so many more riveting details that you may have missed out on before like, “‘Hi,’ I say softly, and my sphnixlike smile meets his.” or “Frank starts crooning… an old song, one of Ray’s favorites, ‘Witchcraft.'” Wow! To think, if I was doing two chapters, you probably never would have known what kind of smile Ana gave Christian that one time, or what one of Ray’s favorite songs is. Ray is such a fan favorite.
Dancing together occurs, blah blah bored now.
Before they leave, Christian is all, “Do you have what you need?” And Ana’s like “Yup, fo sho.” And he’s like, “Oh girl, so that’s how you wanna play it?” Jesus Christ, vom me a river. No one fucking cares about the panties situation, get a real plot line.
Oh man, but the regrets are apparently endless, “What was I thinking? I’m going to see his parents and I’m not wearing any underwear.” Also, “Now, I’m almost outside with no panties.”
There is a moment, while they’re headed to dinner, where I genuinely feel bad for Ana, one of those moments of over-identifying because of my Stockholm Syndrome I’m sure. But she asks where Christian learned to dance, and he tells her it was Mrs. Robinson (or as I usually call her, the Evil Cougar). Ana kind of knew deep down, and she’s kind of sad because she feels like she can’t teach Christian anything (EXCEPT HOW TO LOVE, OH ANA, DON’T YOU KNOW HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE??) and also because you know, you can’t touch someone’s past, and when you’re falling for someone it’s super hard to accept the parts of their life you can never be a part of sometimes. And she’s wondering if this other woman got the best of him and all that heartbreaking stuff. Not that I can relate or anything. Awkward moment.
So. They have a conversation about cable ties and BDSM in front of Taylor. Weird. Worse than that, Christian ends their chit chatting with, “Ditto baby.” Yuck.
When they arrive at the house, Christian makes more references to Ana’s lack of underwear, and I hate my life more and more. What if a really fed up Taylor just punched Christian in the face, grabbed Ana’s panties out of his pocket where they probably still are hiding, and the book just ended there? I would throw some sort of parade and buy drinks for a lot of people as a result of this wondrous turn of events.
For those of you keeping careful records about Christian’s family tree, Ana meets Christian’s sister Mia (who is around Ana’s age) and their father Carrick.
Get this, guys, Christian and Ana both say, “Please,” at the same time in response to a drinks offer. Wow! They must be soul-mates if they said such an uncommon response at the same time. These sort of subtle, understated moments are the real treasures in this novel. Yes, I said it, novel.
Then, like any normal good psychotic boyfriend, Christian gets furious when Ana mentions she was thinking of visiting her mother in Georgia tomorrow night. What a dick move, Ana. Luckily, she is completely aware that Christian is being a fucking idiot about the situation, and is like, “Dude, chill out, I didn’t even sign your fucked up agreement yet.”
Even creepier, Kate randomly asks how going to the bar with Jose was the other night, and Christian says that he is, “Palm-twitchingly mad.” Why the fuck is any of this happening? Why would Kate say this? Why is Ana still dating such an obvious psycho? Why has no one assassinated Christian?”
Some girl with pigtails who works for the Grey’s keeps eyeing Christian, and Ana is like, “Bitch, please.” I wouldn’t have mentioned it if Ana didn’t keep mentioning it every five minutes now. Man, remember that time I related to Ana?
Ana tells us about food, the Grey’s talk about things I don’t fucking care about, and Ana literally refers to Christian as, “Fifty Shades.” Titular!
Christian takes Ana on a tour that is secretly just a way to go spank and fuck her again. The world is such a terrible place.
Another chapter that ends with Ana exclaiming, “Holy fuck!”
Notes ‘n’ Quotes
-As I know you were longing to read, here is Ana’s hilarious, multi-paragraph inner struggle about where her panties are. Allow me to share:
Where are my panties? I check beneath the chair. Nothing. Then I remember–he squirreled them away in the pocket of his jeans. I flush at the memory, after he…I can’t even bring myself to think about it, he was so–barbarous. I frown. Why hasn’t he given me back my panties?
I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. While drying myself after my enjoyable but far too brief shower, I realize he’s done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no.
-“What’s this? Cranberry and sparkling water. Hmm…it tastes delicious and quenches my thirst.” I can’t stop laughing at this line for some reason. It hearkens back to the time orange juice was divine because it was thirst quenching. Having something complete the function it was meant to do does not make it divine. I would never say, “This burger is divine, it satisfies my hunger.”
-“He is totally beguiling, and I’m bewitched.” Totes.
-Greatest line in the chapter: “Oh, crapola. Don’t get your panties in such a twist…and give me mine back.”
Sorry this post wasn’t everything I wanted it to be and more; I have been at my computer for at total of ten minutes other than this half hour I had before bed. And I need sleep! Love ya’ll, tune in next time for more steamy Fifty Shades! Maybe Ana will go to a dentist or something.