So I just found out some amazing news: my cousin who is absolutely hysterical, and also named Amy like our first guest poster, may be writing a bonus post for us in the near future as she approaches the end of the first Fifty Shades of Grey. To give you a taste of her sense of humor, I present to you the texts I received from her this morning:
“Almost finished 50 shades of poop. Which I actually want to make a blog called that and document my poops on a daily basis cause it would be more interesting than this book. It’s like when you read porn online and then all of a sudden you realize you are no longer turned on by the sex or the story but you wait another 20 minutes to give up on it cause dammit you’re so many pages in. And also there could be something super hilarious a page away! And then you finish it and you’re like why did I bother putting that crap in my brain space.”
Needless to say it made my morning.
The chapter begins with a bang as, “Christian bursts through the wooden door of the boathouse and pauses to flick on some switches.” Whenever I’m so eager for spankings and sex that I burst through a door Kool-Aid Man style, I always make sure to pause to turn on the lights. Safety first.
Ana soothes Christian’s inner predator with a plea, “I don’t want you to spank me, not here, not now. Please don’t.” If that’s not a cry for help, I don’t know what is. Someone get this woman to a shelter.
After Ana touches Christian’s face and makes out with him, he seems to have calmed down somewhat. And he expresses his disbelief that Ana said no to him fiddling with her lady bits under the table while they were at dinner. Christian says, “No one’s ever said no to me before. And it’s so–hot.” I guess he fingers a lot of girls during family dinner, but I’m sure he’s a gentleman about it.
I wonder if in his younger years his parents ever caught him doing this and had to implement a No Sex at the dinner table rule.
And then something happens that shakes me to my core. Christian makes a really good point. That I agree with. To quote Anastasia Steele herself, “Holy shit!”
“I’m mad because you went drinking with that guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that?” Ladies and gentlemen, that is actually fucking logical and true.
But then he goes, “And I’m mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me…if you’re not going to let me spank you–which you deserve–I’m going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, not yours.”
Christian’s likability, though short-lived, was great while it lasted.
The sex is really boring other than the fact that Christian is apparently a master multitasker in the sack. “Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once: withdrawing his fingers, leaving me wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down onto the couch so he’s lying on top of me.” I love that leaving her wanting sounds like a specific action here, rather than the result of withdrawing his fingers.
Aw, you guys, we have an update on the panties situation. Christian gives them back to Ana, who thinks, “I don’t grin as I take them from him, but inside I know–I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the panties.”
Ana gets all up in Kate’s face about her issues with Christian, and Kate is like, “Girl, he’s controlling as fuck.” And I’m in total agreement. They all say their goodbyes, and Christian’s family is all about how awesome Ana is. Yeah, I’m confused too.
For the third time this chapter I’m confronted by something I wasn’t expecting. A normal conversation between Ana and Christian during the car ride back. I’m just going to paraphrase it, but basically Ana says that she feels Christian only invited her to meet his parents because Elliot invited Kate. Christian is like, “That’s not true, I’m really happy you met them. I don’t get why you doubt yourself all the time, you’re awesome.”
And then Christian asks if he can come meet her mom if she really is going to visit. And it’s not a creepy moment. It’s actually…sweet. Jesus fucking Christ what is happening to me? I’m not even on my period. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!!!!
So everything is going kind of normally, the conversation takes a more serious turn as Ana admits she’s still not sure about their relationship (what the fuck else is new) and is going to Georgia to get space, but then Ana thinks, “I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy.” Haven’t they only known each other like three weeks and been together like five times within that time frame? I’m. So. Weirded. Out.
Ana is tired, but they’re going to have vanilla sex in a bed. Every time there’s about to be another sex scene, a sense of overpowering misery just sweeps through my body. Especially when it’s prefaced by Christian saying, “Come on, Miss Steele, you have a big day tomorrow. Sooner you’re in bed, sooner you’ll be fucked, and sooner you can sleep.”
They talk more about why she can’t touch him, because she wants to make love and not fuck and not touching him makes it fucking? Why is this happening?
Christian is like, I don’t want to talk about this, let’s just go to bed. This is awesome news for me because I don’t have to read about their fucking, but bad news for me because I have to read about their weird bathroom encounter where Ana uses his toothbrush again. Read Notes ‘n’ Quotes to find out all the deets!
And also I have to read Ana offering to let Christian spank her if he tells her what his deal about touching is. I know when I want something from someone, my gut instinct is to offer to let them abuse me.
Okay, so apparently I spoke too soon because Christian grabs “two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread” and wants to put them inside Ana, spank her, but it’s for her pleasure and his. And then if she doesn’t fall asleep, he’ll tell her stuff.
“He pops the balls into his mouth.
Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush.” Because sharing a toothbrush sets the standards of sexiness ever so high.
So after the balls and the spanking and the sex, we find out Christian’s mom was a crack whore, and she’s dead now. That was the big fucking reveal that Ana and I both stayed up to discover. Ana’s brilliant reaction is, “Holy fuck…what does that mean?”
Notes ‘n’ Quotes
-”I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE–YOU DON’T!” That was the most aggressive sentence in the entire book thus far.
-”We both are shrouded in darkness, masking our thoughts and feelings, but we don’t need the night for that.” Hahahaha, I bet James was really proud of this line. It’s struggling so hard to be so powerful and deep. I feel like there’s an obvious sex joke in that last sentence, but I’m too tired to get there on my own. You can totally help out in the comments section, kthanks. Powerful, deep. Go.
-”Christian stands in the doorway, his PJs hanging off his hips in that way that makes every little cell in my body stand up and take notice.” So this doorway Ana is referring to is the bathroom doorway. Where she’s brushing her teeth. So, you know, that’s normal, but again she’s using Christian’s toothbrush.
“I finish with his toothbrush, rinse it off, and hand it to him, my look never leaving his. Wordlessly, he takes the toothbrush from me and puts it in his mouth.” I don’t get how this is supposed to be some sort of sign that they’re coming together on a deeper level or something. It’s just plain disgusting!
I’ll never be able to look at my toothbrush the same way again.