No, though the title of this post–and quote from the first chapter of Hush, Hush–may lead you to believe this is a strange, warped version of the “A is for apple” book, this is in fact a story about fallen angels. At least it’s not another vampire story? Or a book that was originally fanfiction based on a certain vampire story? Optimism!
We open in Lore Valley, France. November 1565. Some guy named Chauncey is hanging out with a farmer’s daughter, there’s a storm, and he tears a silver buckle off his shoe and hands it to the girl–all in one paragraph! What a fast-paced book! It usually takes Fifty Shades like sixty pages to get anything done. Except Ana’s orgasms.
Chauncey is walking through a cemetary when he sees something that at first looks like a statue, but isn’t.
Neither stone nor marble, the boy had arms and legs. His torso was naked, his feet were bare, and peasant trousers hung low on his hips.
I truly thought I was getting away from Fifty Shades and pants hanging low off of hips!! What is it with these books?
And arms and legs you say? Get outta town. What’s gonna happen next?
Not Statue and Chauncey get into an argument about nothing.
“Do not play games with the Duc de Langeais,” Chauncey warned. “I asked for your name. Give it.”
“Duc?” The boy leaned against a twisted willow tree. “Or bastard?”
Chauncey unsheathed his sword…
There is more overly dramatic arguing, and then Not Statue claims to be “one of the Devil’s brood.” He tells Chauncey he needs something from him and isn’t leaving until he gets it. I’m already uncomfortable for everyone involved in this scene because the dialogue is trying way too hard. And then this happens:
Gritting his teeth, Chauncey shook his head to express his disbelief–his defiance. He tried to spit at the boy, but it tricked down his chin…
Not Statue explains he needs an oath of fealty from Chauncey. He goes onto explain that Chauncey belongs to “the biblical race of Nephilim. Your real father was an angel who fell from heaven. You’re half mortal…half fallen angel.” BUM BUM!!!!
The prologue ends with Chauncey demanding to know what the other dude wants from him, but “The air resonated with the boy’s low laughter.” So many mysterious mysteries!
We go from 1565 to modern day high school! In Cold Water, Maine! I can’t wait to see what creative and original ideas are brought to this scenario.
A biology teacher that is also the football coach? Sassy kids making snarky comments from the back of the room? Two BFFs who have to switch seats as a major plot point? I can’t even believe how riveting this chapter is!
The chapter opens with aforementioned BFFs Nora and Vee (who apparently work on an eZine together, how alternative) having an exchange that baffles me and also serves as the inspiration for the title of this post. The girls are discussing Barbie and Ken dolls, which are “mysteriously adhered to the chalkboard.”
At my side Vee Sky said, ” This is exactly why the school outlaws cameras. Pictures of this in the eZine would be all the evidence I’d need to get the board of education to ax biology.”
Apparently mysteriously adhering Barbie dolls to chalkboards is somehow enough to bring down an entire biology department. I wonder what it would take to ax a chem class.
“And then we’d have this hour to do something productive–like receive one-on-one tutoring from cute upperclass guys.
“Why, Vee,” I said, “I could have sworn you’ve been looking forward to this unit all semester.”
[…] “This class isn’t going to teach me anything I don’t already know.”
“Vee? As in virgin?”
“Not so loud.” She winked…
So a class about sex isn’t going to teach her anything she doesn’t already know? But that sounds like she knows about her sexy time? But she’s a virgin? Perplexing. I hope the dialogue improves, or at least Nora’s inner voice gets a little more interesting.
Vee is my un-twin. She’s green-eyed, minky blond, and a few pounds over curvy. I’m a smoky-eyed brunette with volumes of curly hair that holds its own against even the best flatiron. And I’m all legs, like a bar stool…
I love when narrators awkwardly describe themselves and their friends to me! Also, who the fuck would ever actually describe themselves as a “smoky-eyed brunette”. Unreal. But wait, there’s more!
But there is an invisible thread that ties us together, both of us swear that tie began long before birth. Both of us swear it will continue to hold for the rest of our lives.
Shit. That’s deep, ya’ll. Their friendship is really reminding me of all the things that matter in life and like warming my heart. Maybe they’re both fallen angels? I’m tearing up here.
But then their teacher switches their seats, and it’s so fucking sad. We’re one chapter in and I’m already crying like a baby. I mean, two un-twins forces to separate as lab partners? Too real.
And to make a bad situation worse, Nora gets paired with this dick transfer student who smells not like cigarettes, but cigars and just will not help with their super important assignment to get to know each other! Just listen to what their bio teacher has to say about this super important assignment:
“…like all science, the best approach is to learn by sleuthing. For the rest of class, practice this technique by finding out as much as you can about your new partner. Tomorrow, bring a write-up of your discoveries, and believe me, I’m going to check for authenticity. This is biology, not English, so don’t even think about fictionalizing your answers.”
How on earth is he going to check for authenticity? Is he going to facebook stalk or call home? What the even fuck? Also, I’m an English major, you fucking twat! How dare you!! Outrage!!
Nora’s attempt to work with Patch quickly devolves into this bizarre conversation where he demonstrates a stalkerish level of knowledge about her. Romantic! Just like Fifty Shades <3. But seriously, everything he says is so random and weird. At first he’s telling her how he knows she thinks Ivy League schools are superficial achievements even though she could totes get into any of them, how she sleeps naked, how she trusts the wrong people, etc.
I’m not finding any of this compelling or mysterious in case that wasn’t obvious. It’s the Fifty Shades and Twilight problem all over again. Sometimes weird shit will happen and no one comments on just how creepy it is (Nora does not seem concerned enough over this bizarre exchange), but then, like in the prologue, really nothing that significant is being said, but people are reacting so extremely. It’s so inconsistent!
We do find out one bit of significant-seeming information. Nora’s dad was murdered the previous year.
We also find out that, like Ana, Nora digs men who wear Levis.
He had an annoyingly confident walk, the kind you find paired with faded T-shirts and a cowboy hat. Patch wore neither. He was a dark-Levis-dark-henley-dark-boots kind of guy.
I don’t like how the book throws us right into the “action”. Everything seemed so rushed and forced in both the prologue and the first chapter. At least so far Nora doesn’t seem quite as bad as Ana (no “jeez” or “holy crap” equivalents) but I think she’s a douche for how she described herself to us. Also Patch is just another Edward/Christian. God damn it. I’d be so turned off by guys like these, not drawn to them. I hate these books!
Until next time, folks.