Did you know that if you google “fifty shades of grey spanking”, a picture of me from this blog comes up? Just so you appreciate the sacrifices I make for you guys.
The chapter opens with a delightful post-coital conversation where Christian says “Don’t leave me again”, Ana says “Okay”, and then says “Thank you for the iPad.” I’m certainly not one to judge weird pillow talk, but, uh, okay you two.
“Come cook me some food, wench. I’m famished.”
They talk about how Christian bought out the company that Ana works for and it genuinely confuses Christian why this upsets Ana. But they shrug it off and decide to have dessert.
“We have ice cream. Vanilla.” I snicker.
“Really?” Christian’s grin gets bigger. “I think we could do something with that.”
Turning, he opens the freezer and takes out the carton of Ben & Jerry’s finest vanilla.
“This will do just fine.”
No no no.
He looks up at me, eyes dark. “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana.”
Oh God, no, please don’t ruin ice cream for me, Fifty Shades of Grey. You have no idea how much I like ice cream.
Desire, dark, sleek, and wanton runs hot through my veins. We’re going to have fun, with food.
“I hope you’re warm,” he whispers. “I’m going to cool you down with this.”
My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars
GO AWAY, INNER GODDESS. Ice cream time is not sexy time!
Very slowly, he peels off the lid of the tub and dips the spoon in.
“Hmm . . . it’s still quite hard”
Is Ice Cream your penis? No. Ice cream is most certainly not your penis, Christian Grey. Cut this out.
Scooping out a spoonful of the vanilla, he pops it into his mouth. “Delicious,” he murmurs, licking his lips.
LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA
he lets it slowly melt on the spoon so that the melted ice cream drips, onto my throat, onto my chest. He dips down and very slowly licks it off. My body lights up with longing.
“Mmm. Tastes even better off you, Miss Steele.”
Please end this right now. Please. You don’t have to do this.
He takes another spoonful and lets the ice cream dribble onto my breasts. Then with the back of the spoon, he spreads it over each breast and nipple. Oh . . . it’s cold.
STOP DOING THIS TO ICE CREAM.
Holy cow. It’s cold, it’s hot, it’s tantalizing, but he doesn’t stop. He trails the ice cream further down my body, into my pubic hair, on to my clitoris.
He groans as he slams into me. He’s sticky – the residual melted ice cream spreading between us.
PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM SEX.
“Come on, baby,” he growls through gritted teeth and on cue, like the sorcerer’s apprentice I am, I let go, and we find our release together.
Uh… what… what even… okay, I should have been more specific.
And if all that hot ice cream sexin’ wasn’t enough for one chapter, now shit gets serious when Ana remembers that whole “oh yeah, Christian’s ex is sort of stalking me now, that might be bad” subplot via dream sequence. And of course, Ana is an english major, so this dream sequence has to be metaphorical and allusive!
The girl who looks like me is standing outside SIP. Hang on – she is me.
Bam! Metaphor! Now for allusion!
“What do you have that I don’t?” I ask her.
“Who are you?”
“I’m nobody … Who are you? Are you nobody, too…?”
“There there’s a pair of us – don’t tell, they’d banish us, you know…”1 She smiles, a slow evil grimace
Not even kidding you, that footnote is actually in the novel, in case you were too stupid to figure out that this was a reference to something. Now, I realize that Fifty Shades Darker isn’t exactly aimed at the more erudite reading population, but this still seems really lame to have to explicitly state “HEY! This is an allusion to Emily Dickinson’s ‘I’m Nobody! Who are you?’! It’s pretty well-known and I worked it in here, so, uh, you should appreciate how clever it is! Okay? Yeah, okay, cool!”
I don’t really object to the allusion itself, just the way that it had to be dressed up all flashy and pointed out to us. Like what if she did that with the Hamlet reference in the first book?
Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?1
1 – William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III Scene i -ENJOY SOME FANCY-PANTS SHAKESPEARE WITH YOUR BDSM EROTICA, BITCHES
Okay, I just wrote a longer criticism of the dream sequence than the dream sequence itself, so let’s pick up the pace a little bit. Christian wakes Ana up from her nightmare and Ana explains she had a nightmare about this creepy woman and Christian’s all “Oh shit, it’s my ex”, and Ana goes from “this crazy girl asked me what I have that she doesn’t have” to “OH MAN, WHAT DOES CRAZY GIRL HAVE THAT I DON’T HAVE” in three paragraphs.
She must have had a contract, and she would have done what he wanted, given him what he needed gladly.
Oh no – when I can’t. The thought makes me nauseous.
Except you know what? I’m actually gonna give Ana a pass this time, because getting paranoid over your significant other’s exes is not a fun place to be in, and having been both the Ana and the Christian in this situation before, wait, fuck, is that a sentence I just started to write?! Did I just relate to both of these characters?! MOVE ON FROM THIS DARK PLACE QUICKLY. Christian makes a big deal about the encounter, leaves the room to make a phone call (at five in the morning), and comes back not talking about it at all but being all “hey, let’s have sex”, but, and I can’t believe I’m writing this, guys, Ana shuts him down to demand some answers.
I want to know what’s going on. I will not be sidetracked by sex.
I’m actually proud of her! Look at Ana, making a rational decision! Christian gets all pissed off because, instead of having sex, he has to explain that his crazy ex Leila has suddenly reappeared after two and a half years (during which time she’s gotten married) and attempted suicide in front of him. Now that that’s all been said, then they have sex, because apparently suicidal exes just set the mood.
“Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?” he asks softly.
“I forgot about her […] You know, drinks after work, at the end of my first week. You turning up at the bar and your… testosterone rush with Jack […] It slipped my mind. You have a habit of making me forget things.”
“Testosterone rush?” His lips twitch.
“Yes. The pissing contest.”
“I’ll show you a testosterone rush.”
The next day they go to get Ana’s hair cut, because apparently this chapter isn’t over yet, and they argue about Christian getting Ana a personal trainer, Christian getting Ana a car, Christian giving Ana $24,000, and Christian taking Ana to get a haircut at a salon he owns. Anybody else notice a pattern here?
And the chapter ends with Christian’s former dominant, Mrs. Robinson, showing up. Haha, how awkward is this gonna be?