I’m Never Eating Ice Cream Again: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Four

Did you know that if you google “fifty shades of grey spanking”, a picture of me from this blog comes up? Just so you appreciate the sacrifices I make for you guys.

Chapter Four

The chapter opens with a delightful post-coital conversation where Christian says “Don’t leave me again”, Ana says “Okay”, and then says “Thank you for the iPad.” I’m certainly not one to judge weird pillow talk, but, uh, okay you two.

“Come cook me some food, wench. I’m famished.”

No, seriously, why do people cream their panties over this book?

They talk about how Christian bought out the company that Ana works for and it genuinely confuses Christian why this upsets Ana. But they shrug it off and decide to have dessert.

“We have ice cream. Vanilla.” I snicker.
“Really?” Christian’s grin gets bigger. “I think we could do something with that.”

Oh no.

Turning, he opens the freezer and takes out the carton of Ben & Jerry’s finest vanilla.
“This will do just fine.”

No no no.

He looks up at me, eyes dark. “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana.”

Oh God, no, please don’t ruin ice cream for me, Fifty Shades of Grey. You have no idea how much I like ice cream.

Desire, dark, sleek, and wanton runs hot through my veins. We’re going to have fun, with food.
“I hope you’re warm,” he whispers. “I’m going to cool you down with this.”

Please don’t.

My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars

GO AWAY, INNER GODDESS. Ice cream time is not sexy time!

Very slowly, he peels off the lid of the tub and dips the spoon in.
“Hmm . . . it’s still quite hard”

Is Ice Cream your penis? No. Ice cream is most certainly not your penis, Christian Grey. Cut this out.

Scooping out a spoonful of the vanilla, he pops it into his mouth. “Delicious,” he murmurs, licking his lips.

LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA

he lets it slowly melt on the spoon so that the melted ice cream drips, onto my throat, onto my chest. He dips down and very slowly licks it off. My body lights up with longing.
“Mmm. Tastes even better off you, Miss Steele.”

Please end this right now. Please. You don’t have to do this.

He takes another spoonful and lets the ice cream dribble onto my breasts. Then with the back of the spoon, he spreads it over each breast and nipple. Oh . . . it’s cold.

STOP DOING THIS TO ICE CREAM.

Holy cow. It’s cold, it’s hot, it’s tantalizing, but he doesn’t stop. He trails the ice cream further down my body, into my pubic hair, on to my clitoris.

This reaction isn’t posed. This was actually my face when I read this line.

He groans as he slams into me. He’s sticky – the residual melted ice cream spreading between us.

PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM SEX.

“Come on, baby,” he growls through gritted teeth and on cue, like the sorcerer’s apprentice I am, I let go, and we find our release together.

Uh… what… what even… okay, I should have been more specific.

It’s actually kind of impressive when you think about the wide diversity of things this book is able to ruin forever.

And if all that hot ice cream sexin’ wasn’t enough for one chapter, now shit gets serious when Ana remembers that whole “oh yeah, Christian’s ex is sort of stalking me now, that might be bad” subplot via dream sequence. And of course, Ana is an english major, so this dream sequence has to be metaphorical and allusive!

The girl who looks like me is standing outside SIP. Hang on – she is me.

Bam! Metaphor! Now for allusion!

“What do you have that I don’t?” I ask her.
“Who are you?”
“I’m nobody … Who are you? Are you nobody, too…?”
“There there’s a pair of us – don’t tell, they’d banish us, you know…”1 She smiles, a slow evil grimace

Not even kidding you, that footnote is actually in the novel, in case you were too stupid to figure out that this was a reference to something. Now, I realize that Fifty Shades Darker isn’t exactly aimed at the more erudite reading population, but this still seems really lame to have to explicitly state “HEY! This is an allusion to Emily Dickinson’s ‘I’m Nobody! Who are you?’! It’s pretty well-known and I worked it in here, so, uh, you should appreciate how clever it is! Okay? Yeah, okay, cool!”

I don’t really object to the allusion itself, just the way that it had to be dressed up all flashy and pointed out to us. Like what if she did that with the Hamlet reference in the first book?

Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?1
1 – William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III Scene i -ENJOY SOME FANCY-PANTS SHAKESPEARE WITH YOUR BDSM EROTICA, BITCHES

To BDSM, or not to BDS- *author of post is brutally murdered*

Okay, I just wrote a longer criticism of the dream sequence than the dream sequence itself, so let’s pick up the pace a little bit. Christian wakes Ana up from her nightmare and Ana explains she had a nightmare about this creepy woman and Christian’s all “Oh shit, it’s my ex”, and Ana goes from “this crazy girl asked me what I have that she doesn’t have” to “OH MAN, WHAT DOES CRAZY GIRL HAVE THAT I DON’T HAVE” in three paragraphs.

She must have had a contract, and she would have done what he wanted, given him what he needed gladly.
Oh no – when I can’t. The thought makes me nauseous.

Except you know what? I’m actually gonna give Ana a pass this time, because getting paranoid over your significant other’s exes is not a fun place to be in, and having been both the Ana and the Christian in this situation before, wait, fuck, is that a sentence I just started to write?! Did I just relate to both of these characters?! MOVE ON FROM THIS DARK PLACE QUICKLY. Christian makes a big deal about the encounter, leaves the room to make a phone call (at five in the morning), and comes back not talking about it at all but being all “hey, let’s have sex”, but, and I can’t believe I’m writing this, guys, Ana shuts him down to demand some answers.

I want to know what’s going on. I will not be sidetracked by sex.

I’m actually proud of her! Look at Ana, making a rational decision! Christian gets all pissed off because, instead of having sex, he has to explain that his crazy ex Leila has suddenly reappeared after two and a half years (during which time she’s gotten married) and attempted suicide in front of him. Now that that’s all been said, then they have sex, because apparently suicidal exes just set the mood.

“Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?” he asks softly.
“I forgot about her […] You know, drinks after work, at the end of my first week. You turning up at the bar and your… testosterone rush with Jack […] It slipped my mind. You have a habit of making me forget things.”
“Testosterone rush?” His lips twitch.
“Yes. The pissing contest.”
“I’ll show you a testosterone rush.”

The next day they go to get Ana’s hair cut, because apparently this chapter isn’t over yet, and they argue about Christian getting Ana a personal trainer, Christian getting Ana a car, Christian giving Ana $24,000, and Christian taking Ana to get a haircut at a salon he owns. Anybody else notice a pattern here?

And the chapter ends with Christian’s former dominant, Mrs. Robinson, showing up. Haha, how awkward is this gonna be?

That awkward!

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0 comments

  1. Keeping Up With The Holsbys Reply

    This is gold! I read the first one, I’d throw it down in disgust of the terrible writing, then I’d pick it up again. It’s as addictive as meth and as numbing for your brain!!
    I’m ashamed to say I also read the second one, but I swear I will punch myself repeatedly in the face before I read the final book.

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  2. Jillian Reply

    At least they used vanilla ice cream rather than actual good ice cream. You stay away from Chubby Hubby, Fifty Shades. You stay the FUCK away.

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  3. Ali Reply

    I was at the drug store yesterday and came across a book called “bared to you” The quote on the cover essentially said it was a Fifty Shades copy. The cover even has a picture of cuff links…

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  4. GhostHelwig Reply

    Above and beyond every piece of idiocy in these books, this line annoys me the most:

    “triple axel dismount off the uneven bars”

    The triple axel is an *ice skating* term. Uneven bars are *gymnastics.* You stupid, stupid woman. *fumes* I’d like to see someone attempt an ice skating jump from the uneven bars – except no, I wouldn’t, because that person would die.

    Bah. If there was any doubt that Ms. James does *no research whatsoever,* I think we have proof right here. :/

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      • GhostHelwig Reply

        It actually kind of is, now that my extreme anger has faded somewhat. Lol. Although I’m still trying to picture what exactly she was going for with that imagery. Even if it were physically possible, it just sounds… Stupid. Which really shouldn’t surprise me. 😉

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    • Irish Skye Reply

      THANK YOU! As soon as I read that quote, I was saying the same thing, and I started to scroll right past the rest and come down here to fume about in the comments. I was glad to see someone else noticed that. Seriously, does this woman own a computer or have access to the net AT ALL? How do you decide that you are just going to up and write a book set in another country (I don’t care if that country DOES speak fluent English, it’s another damn country!) about a real-life lifestyle that you obviously have NO experience with, E.L. James, and NOT do basic internet searches on things like the local cuisine in Savannah, how long it takes to get from one city to another (seriously, even flying between Seattle and Savannah is a long trip), and be familiar with the local customs and lingo? And if you are going to write metaphors like “does a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars,” double-check to make sure you are using the right terms. Or, here’s an idea, stop TRYING so hard to sound like you are a good writer by stringing together words you don’t know the meaning of and stick to more basic descriptions. You could have written “I feel like I just did a perfect dismount off a set of uneven bars,” and the point would have come across nicely.

      While I’m at it, why the fuck does ELJ insist on using these Inner Goddess and Subconscious characters? Why can’t Ana just feel something DIRECTLY, you know, for HERSELF? Why is it, “My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars” instead of “I feel like I have just somersaulted off a set of uneven bars.” Or, “In the back of my mind is the nagging thought this is not a good idea,” instead of “My subconscious is tut-tutting me while she looks down her nose over her half-moon spectacles”?

      Btw, ELJ, I don’t know a single 20-something who uses the phrase tut-tut (or any variation of it, nor “spectacles” instead of “glasses” or “arse” instead of “ass.” But then, what should I expect when her main 20-something has never owned a computer or had an email address, despite being an English Major in her 4th year of college. Whatev.

      1+
  5. 24karats Reply

    “Except you know what? I’m actually gonna give Ana a pass this time, because getting paranoid over your significant other’s exes is not a fun place to be in, and having been both the Ana and the Christian in this situation before, wait, fuck, is that a sentence I just started to write?! Did I just relate to both of these characters?! ”

    – Isn’t that the worst. Like I’d be reading, and alternately laughing, weeping or fuming at the absurdity of this book and my life, and then one of them would do something relatable and then I’d have to have an existential crisis on top of the laughing, weeping and fuming because how have I lived my life such that Ana or Christian do anything I even remotely understand.

    Times like this I need ice cream, but now I can’t even have that!

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  6. 24karats Reply

    I’m the reverse. I need to believe this evil was intentional. Because otherwise evil is random and unpredictable, and I just can’t.

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  7. Tracy jones Reply

    Those of you that r not Dominant dont understand 50 shades of gray all want to judge why you people jealous lmfao.

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