Christian Mindf**k Grey: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Five

I go back to college in two days. I haven’t started packing at all.

Chapter Five

Previously in the Fifty Shades saga, Christian took Ana to get a haircut and an older woman appeared. Christian goes to talk to her, and Ana suspects that this woman is Christian’s former dominant! Also, Ana is now some horrible alternate universe version of Spider-Man.

I’m swamped by a strange sense of relief that my spidey sense has not let me down.
Spidey sense? My subconscious snorts, Paedo sense.

Every now and again I find the perfect jpeg for this blog and then I don’t even need to write my own jokes.

After Ana pats herself on the back for her funny funny jokes, she snaps at Christian for  taking her to a hair salon where he’s taken all his former subs, that he owns with his first dom. If you missed that, don’t worry; she’s going to tell us a few more times later, because it’s like E L James knows we’re not paying a whole lot of attention.

The tables are sort of turned next when Christian gets a phone call and gets some new information about Leila the suicidal ex-sub leaving her husband and running off with another guy who was then killed in a car accident. Christian is now concerned for their lives, but Ana is still upset at Christian, understandably, and decides to react to the news like a five year old, less understandably.

“I don’t want to go to your place. I want to get my hair cut!” I shout. […]

Christian takes rare advantage of having the high ground for once to… uh, also act like a five year old.

“You can walk or I can carry you. I don’t mind either way, Anastasia.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” I scowl at him. Surely he wouldn’t make a scene on Second Avenue. […]
We glare at each other – and abruptly he sweeps down, clasps me round the thighs, and lifts me. Before I know it, I am over his shoulder.
“Put me down!” I scream. Oh, it feels good to scream.

She gives in, Christian puts her down, and Ana makes a list of all the reasons why she’s mad at Christian, which means I could have skipped the first four pages of this chapter and that’s just GREAT. But wait it gets better because she immediately does this:

Oh no, realization dawns. Something’s changed. What could that be?

She tells Christian after her delayed reaction that, wait a second, our safety is in danger, and Christian reluctantly tells her that Leila now has a concealed weapons permit. The fact that Christian’s suicidal ex-sub has just become Christian’s homicidal ex-sub raises a number of important questions. Like, really, seriously important questions, such as:

  1. Why didn’t Christian tell Ana “my ex has a gun and may try to use it on you and/or me”?
  2. Why did Christian, knowing their lives were in danger and had to go somewhere safe, create a huge, embarrassing, immature scene on a busy street where he picked up and carried off a screaming woman?
  3. When are they gonna fuck? Because they always fuck and I’m just resigned to reading these goddamn sex scenes by now.

They drive back to Christian’s place and we learn that all of Christian’s former subs are brunette because Mrs. Robinson (who we’re apparently still calling Mrs. Robinson although we learned her name is Helena Lincoln at the beginning of the chapter) “put me off blondes forever”. Then he’s all “hahaha just kidding haha” (note: not how it’s written in the book) and the reader’s all “Sure” but Ana is completely befuddled.

So he only likes brunettes. I wonder why? [Tip: He literally just told you] Did Mrs. Extraordinarily-Glamorous-In-Spite-Of-Being-Old Robinson really put him off blondes? I shake my head – Christian Mindfuck Grey.

Yes. As far as Ana is concerned, this is so extraordinarily confusing that it is this revelation, not, you know, anything else, where she pulls out the big guns and calls him “Christian Mindfuck Grey”. You may think I’d be critical of this, but, nope! I just figured out what middle name my hypothetical future first kid’s gonna have!

I’ve already decided his/her first name is Pterodactyl, so I’m all set!

At Christian’s place, Ana finds a bunch of new dresses Christian got her for formal events he wants to take her to. Ana discovers they’re quite expensive!

Why, oh why have I fallen for someone who is plain crazy – beautiful, sexy as fuck, richer than Croesus, and crazy with a capital K?

Yes, she says “crazy with a capital K”, and I have never hated Ana more than at this moment. But then she immediately redeems herself by calling my favorite character. That’s right, everybody: Ana’s mom is back.

They haven’t made the movie yet, so this is as close as I can get.

Ana’s mom was my favorite character in Fifty Shades of Grey because she constantly spewed out hilarious and nonsensical advice. What’s she got for her long-awaited return to the series?!

“What’s wrong? Still not worked it out with Christian?”
“Mom, it’s complicated. I think he’s nuts. That’s the problem.”
“Tell me about it. Men, there’s just no reading them sometimes. Bob’s wondering if our move to Georgia was a good one.”
“What?”
“Yeah, he’s talking about going back to Vegas.”

Yeah, Ana. Your Christian Grey BDSM/stalker drama has got nothing on Bob thinking about moving back to Vegas! Fuck your noise!

Christian appears in the doorway […] “Sorry, Mom, I have to go. I’ll call again soon.”

What? No! We get half a page of Ana’s Mom? Shit! It’s really depressing how that was actually the biggest cock tease in this series so far. Even worse, the next scene is Christian and Ana talking about feelings.

Only Darth Vader knows this kind of pain.

Christian still doesn’t understand why Ana’s mad at him.

He runs a hand through his hair. “You are one frustrating female.”

And explains why he likes her so much even though she isn’t a sub. Sort of.

“You make me look at the world differently, Anastasia. You don’t want me for my money. You give me… hope,” he says softly.

And then Christian’s gay Italian hairdresser shows up.

“Never let anyone else be cutting your hair, bellissima Anastasia!”

I bet you thought I was making that up, but nope gay Italian stereotype BAM out of nowhere. Anyway, now we can go back to Christian and Ana’s fight.

“What’s bothering me? Well, there’s your gross invasion of my privacy, the fact that you took me to some place where your ex-mistress works and you used to take all your lovers to have their bits waxed, you manhandled me in the street like I was six years old—and to cap it all, you let your Mrs. Robinson touch you!”

This is actually the third time in this chapter we’ve read this list. The third. Goddamn. Time. Christian, however, totally doesn’t think it’s weird that he knows Ana’s bank account number, because he does background checks on all his submissives. Ready to get creeped the fuck out?

He has a copy of my birth certificate, for heaven’s sake, my hard limits, the NDA, the contract—Jeez—my social security number, resume, employment records.

Christian implies he loves Ana (booooooriiiiing), has her cook for him (“My submissives cook, Anastasia.”), and then there’s the weirdest sensual scene in the novel when Ana draws on Christian’s body in lipstick to go over where he is and isn’t comfortable being touched due to his horrific abusive childhood.

The trust he’s giving me is heady but tempered by the fact that I can count his pain. Seven small, round white scars dot his chest, and it’s deep, dark purgatory to see this hideous, evil desecration of his beautiful body. Who would do this to a child?

You might think “man, sensual doesn’t sound like the right tone for that sort of scene”, and, well, it would be nice if that thought occurred to James too.

“I can live with those. Right now I want to launch myself at you,” I whisper.

No, really, how is this story three books long?

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