Matthew Has To Do Math And Wear A Skirt To Make This Crap Interesting: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Ten

Well, Ariel announced to the world yesterday that I performed in a play in drag last weekend and lamented that she didn’t have pictures. But some kind soul and/or total jerkface did take pictures and they’re on the internet already anyway, so I may as well make good on her promise for her, because the expression I’m making in this one picture is exactly how I feel about reading Fifty Shades Darker at this point.

It’s kind of a… drag.

Chapter Ten

Anyway, Ana and Christian are on a boat, motherfucker. And they also just had sex, because apparently E L James is really into helping me make Lonely Island references today.

Leaning over, Christian kisses me tenderly. “Ana, you look so beautiful right now, all mussed up and sexy. Makes me want you more.”

Just for fun, I did a quick search through Fifty Shades Darker to see how many times Christian Grey says “want you”, and it turns out he says something along those lines sixty four times! The book is 383 pages, so on average, Christian tells Ana he wants her once every six pages (roughly). You can understand why I’m getting really tired of this.

I cock my head to one side. “You are master of my heart, Mr. Grey.”And my body . . . and my soul.

Fortunately, this is the only time Ana has ever said this. Less fortunately, I just threw up everywhere.

Would I leave him again now that he’s admitted he loves me?

You know, this is almost an interesting question, and could make for an interesting exploration into the nature of love and especially of trying to find it, so long as nothing stupid happens like she immediately makes up her mind before the paragraph ends.

I gaze up into his clear gray eyes. Could I ever leave him again—no matter what he did to me? Could I betray him like that? No. I don’t think I could.

Okay, fine, don’t do any of that. Just keep saying stupid things, Ana.

He is an exceptional lover, I’m sure—though, of course, I have no comparison. But Kate would have raved more if it was always like this; it’s not like her to hold back on details.

Yep, that’s pretty much all I can expect. Does this make any kind of sense? Ana thinks the sex is great although she has nothing to compare it to, so she can’t definitely say it’s good. That’s solid. But then she decided that it must be good because a different person having sex with different people doesn’t discuss how good her different sex life is more often? What?

Joey makes more sense than you, Ana. Fucking Joey Tribiani.

They go to dinner or something (I’m not paying much attention), and Ana asks why Christian doesn’t have any guy friends his age, and he’s all “I dunno”.  Then Christian asks Ana why she thinks he isn’t happy with their less BDSM-y sex life, and Ana’s all “I dunno”. It’s pretty gripping stuff that we’ve already read about for 166 pages.

He thinks I might leave if I know him. He thinks that I might leave if he’s himself. Oh, this man is so complicated.

Those are the same fucking thing. That is actually the same thought worded in two different ways. It’s not even a particularly interesting thought. A person is worried that someone they want to like them might not like a certain part of them. Holy shit, I bet that never happens to anyone! How complicated!

Anyway, then they start making out in the elevator.

Out of the corner of my eye, Taylor steps backward so he’s no longer in my line of sight.

Jesus, I legitimately feel really bad for Taylor sometimes.

I wander disconsolately into the bedroom, Wait a moment—what is going on? The iPad is gone. Where’s my Mac? Oh no. My first uncharitable thought is that Leila may have stolen them.
I fly back downstairs and back into Christian’s bedroom. On the bedside table are my Mac, my iPad, and my satchel.

Oh thank goodness that was resolved in two paragraphs; I couldn’t have taken that tension. But then a new conflict arises!

“I was just getting my clothes ready for work tomorrow,” I mutter.
“Work!” Christian exclaims as if it’s a dirty word, and he releases me, glaring.

And then, get ready for this, guys, they have a fight about Ana going to work.

“I have a new job, which I enjoy. Of course I have to go to work. […] Do you think I am going to stay here twiddling my thumbs while you’re off being Master of the Universe?”
“Frankly . . . yes.”

This repeats for about two pages and then Christian reluctantly decides that Ana can, in fact, go to work.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to use this gif


  1. Jillian Reply

    Who would ever think “Where’s my Mac?” as opposed to “Where’s my computer?” E.L. James must have a real hard-on for Apple products. Either that or Apple paid her for some assvertising.

  2. Ali Reply

    I seriously, hardcore hate it when author use big words just to use big words. Disconsolately? really? you couldn’t just say unhappily or pathetically? or schizophreically? Why was she sad? I thought she just made out in an elevator in front of some guy.

  3. Amy Reply

    The gif is like, the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Thanks. No, seriously. You have made my day.

    Do you really think it’s “solid” to not know if sex is good? I reckon it doesn’t matter how many people you’ve shagged, you either have good sex or you don’t. JMO, and another reason why I think Ana’s a complete tool.

    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      What I was getting at when I meant that some of her reasoning was solid was that she realized, to thoroughly de-sex this, that she can’t say sample A is good without having any other samples to compare it to. That’s reasonable logic, especially in comparison to the “A is good because B enjoys A more than C likes D-Z” nonsense she spews out next.

      But Ana’s shitty grasp of rationality aside, if you’re having sex and you’re enjoying it, then, yeah, I definitely agree, you don’t need anything more to say it’s good sex.

      This has been “thoughts on good sex” from Matthew, I guess.

  4. 24karats Reply

    Joey Tribiani!!!! Matthew, I think I might love you. While I would normally be concerned that that would sound totally weird and creepy, after reading Fifty Shades of Grey I doubt that even registers on the creep factor.

  5. Irish Skye Reply

    Do you think I am going to stay here twiddling my thumbs while you’re off being Master of the Universe?”
    “Frankly . . . yes.”

    So, she FINALLY managed to work in the original title of this crappy fanfic. Hoo-fucking-ray for her. And just how big a tool is this girl for making it about whether or not he’s ok with her working and NOT about the fact he’s concerned for her safety because a gun-toting psycho ex-sub of his has had a mental breakdown and is stalking Ana (because SOMEONE has to stalk her since Christian isn’t)? Is she not getting the point, here? Call in sick for a day or two. Take a leave of absence. Hell, you work for a publishing company…freaking telecommute! Or, does a publishing company in modern-day Seattle not have computers, much like the English major in the first book who was in her 4th year of college?

    And seriously, has it only been ONE weekend? That’s what, 4 chapters we spent on ONE weekend?? Omg, this thing sounded like more actually happened when I read the synopsis on Wikipedia. I admire your fortitude.

  6. Dacia Reply

    Jesus, I can’t believe I’m JUST finding these posts. So, I’m quite possibly the only thirty something female to not have read the 50 shades books. I will say, I gave it a solid effort – but I wasn’t able to make it through the first chapter. The writing was just awful. I actually had the crazy idea tof write some fanfic, change some names, make the story even worse than the original (and in this case, that’s already a low bar), and then sit back and watch the millions flow into my bank account.

    Sadly, I’m not good enough with grammar and damn it, I just can’t put my name on something to the world that sucks. I digress.

    I just watched the movie (finally), and legit laughed at several parts that I think were meant to be funny, not sure. And then oscillated between 2 thoughts: “Wow, he’s hot, maybe I should give the books a chance.” And…”Holy hell he’s a creepy stalker, and women think this guy is sexy??? This story is atrocious.”

    So, I decided to cheat and find the ending of the story on the internet since even a bad story will bug me if I know there is an ending out in the universe that I’m not privy to.

    Love, love, love these posts so far. Highly entertaining, unlike the source material (I guess that’s all in the perspective though. You know, because someone might think the material is entertaining for being so bad? Yea…just thought I should explain my thought like James would….ha, did it again!)

    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      Glad to have you on board! Always nice to hear we could save someone from actually reading these books. We know the pain of wanting to know how even an awful story ends too

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