I actually feel like it’s been months since I last checked in with Ana and Christian, but apparently it’s only been a week! Gosh time is funny. Right now as I type this post up, I’m watching Law and Order: SVU (which is weirdly a comfort show for me, I’m not entirely sure what this says about me, all I know is I crave this show on crappy days especially) and it’s an episode where this boy is trying to justify rape by saying he’s a sex addict. He masturbates like six times a day. I wonder how he would feel about Fifty Shades.
Melissa Joan Hart is in this episode? And that dude who was in Veronica Mars for a season? Star studded!
I’m also very concerned a commercial for Sinister is going to come on and scare the shit out of me again. I was scared to sleep last night! Fuckin’ Sinister.
Oh, right, they’re still in the middle of a game of pool. Man, how on earth could I put this riveting novel down for a minute let alone a week?
Putting down his cue, he saunters casually toward me, all tousled hair, jeans, and white T-shirt. He doesn’t look like a CEO—he looks like a bad boy from the wrong side of town. Holy cow, he’s so fucking sexy.
The wrong side of town! Haha, do people still say that?
When he turns and gazes at me, his eyes are burning. I stand paralyzed like a complete zombie…
Did somebody say zombie???? Has our time finally come? Is it finally what I’ve been waiting for??
Suddenly, I’m hot and bothered and damp in all the right places.
I would never want to describe my vagina as damp. It sounds like a towel that’s going to get moldy soon. Do I want mold associated with my vag? No, no I don’t.
They keep playing sexual pool, and eventually Ana tells us, “I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango.”
Has anyone ever watched Lizzie Mcguire? It was with Hilary Duff on Disney Channel. She used to have this little cartoon version of herself doing wacky stuff in her head. That’s how I see Ana’s inner goddess. As a weird cartoon character that like fucking tangos and shit for no reason.
Sex happens, and it’s the same as always. Ana has a mind blowing orgasm after two seconds of intercourse and Christian is like, “Oh baby, oh baby.” You’ve heard it all before. Post-coitus, they take a bath and Ana convinces Christian to just have his security guy drop Ana off at the office and pick her up later rather than awkwardly stay there with her all day.
You know you’re lame when you start using Fifty Shades to figure out your own romantic life. Ana and Christian exchange emails and she signs hers with xxx. That is three. A couple times the guy I like has signed some messages with that to me as opposed to one or two. DOES HE TOTES LIKE ME? But sometimes he doesn’t respond to my fb comments with a x, but then he’ll respond to other people’s with them? But then sometimes he’ll write two on mine? Guys are so mysterious! This me all the time with ’em:
Uh, oh everybody! Ana gets invited by her boss to go on an overnight
fucking business trip! For a symposium! Even Ana admits right away that Christian is gonna flip a shit. Another stupid fight between Christian and Ana? Where can I sign up for this event?
Through e-mail, Christian asks Ana to move in with him. Now we can have non-stop Ana and Christian action! Oh golly gee this is thrilling.
Wait but then Ana signs her next e-mail with one x? God damn it, this book is CLEARLY not supposed to take place in America ’cause we don’t deal with this ‘x’ nonsense. It actually confuses me. Are the numbers arbitrary? What does it all mean??? THERE HAS TO BE SOME SORT OF LOGICAL X SYSTEM! We can’t just all go around using these x’s willy nilly, it’s madness. Something has to separate us from the animals.
Ana tells Christian about the trip, and he figures out its with her boss. He’s like, “Oh hell no.” And Ana is like, “Lol he’s like my dad!” Sexy?
Apparently it’s a super eventful day in the world of e-mail for Ana, because she freaks out at Christian, and instead of getting a response from him, Evil Cougar invites her to lunch. I guess as far as exciting plot developments go, I’d rather see Ana bitch this woman out again than read another boring sex scene.
Christian calls to tell Ana to delete her last e-mail to him and reminds her the e-mails are monitored. Whoops. That awkward moment when you talk about realationshit over e-mail with your boyfriend who also owns the company you work for and that e-mail could easily be intercepted. LOLZ! Wackadoodle.
Like the manipulative, controlling piece of shit he is, Christian enacts a new rule that senior management must approve all travel stuffs. So Jack comes running in, and is like, “Don’t buy the ticket yet.” Whoops, but she already did.
More arguing occurs via e-mail, and Christian says that Jack has a history of sexually harassing employees. Ana whines about Evil Cougar’s e-mail, and Christian says he’ll deal with it. I wish these people had other problems to deal with, I just don’t fucking care anymore. Wait, that would imply that at one point I did care. I’ll rephrase, I just have never ever cared.
Jack asks Ana to stay late to work and comes onto her in a really over-the-top way. It’s like watching one of those sexual harassment videos they show you on training days at work. Ana reveals she’s dating Christian Grey, and Jack is all, “Oh em gee, the wealthiest bachelor???”
Ana meets up with Christian after work, and they immediately start hooking up. Christian says, “In all things, Anastasia. You are a siren, a goddess.” But is she an inner goddess?
So they have a talk, and Christian says he’s sorry for being suffocating but he was really worried about her and loves her blah blah blah. Then Evil Cougar shows up. Ana and I are on the same page, why won’t this woman just go away?