At the end of the previous chapter, Ana and Christian Grey were playing a sexy game of pool with a sexy bet where how they’d have sex would sexily be determined by the sexy winner. Don’t forget this book is sexy, everybody.
Chapter Eleven
Christian wins the bet, so he gets to spank Ana. Don’t forget this book is sexy, everybody.
“Well, let’s count your misdemeanors, Miss Steele.” He counts on his long fingers. “One, making me jealous of my own staff. Two, arguing with me about working. And three, waving your delectable derriere at me for the last twenty minutes.”
Just to recap, the male romantic lead in this novel feels as though he has to spank his girlfriend because she wants to go to her job. Christian Dreamboat Grey, everybody.
Only Christian could turn me on with just a look and the flex of a ruler.
It may also just be you, Anastasia. Let’s see if Christian says anything stupid next!
“We’re lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don’t need safe words.”
You know how people who are actually into BDSM complain that Fifty Shades is a completely misleading depiction of the BDSM community? I bet this is one of those parts that they complain about.
So here’s the spanky foreplay this time: Christian strips Ana down, hands her a pool cue, and makes her bend over to try to sink the 8 ball, but every time she takes a shot, he spanks her with the ruler.
I am panting now, excited by this game.
Christian ignores Ana’s apparent and sudden dehydration and when she misses enough shots, we speed things along. Now, Ariel skipped over almost all of this sex scene yesterday, but you guys are here reading this blog so you don’t have to read the book, so I feel like it’s kind of my duty to fill you in on the horribleness of this sex scene.
Ha, fill you in. See what I did there?
…moving on. You know how every single sex scene in Fifty Shades follows the same structure? Just in case you forgot, it’s:
- Seduction that either is or is narrated in a way that is not at all seductive
- Foreplay, usually accompanied by a hilariously dumb bit of sexy talk by Christian or inner monologue by Ana
- Oral Sex (optional)
- Christian Grey’s Penis
- Orgasm, typically voice activated, typically in the form of an eruption, typically accompanied by a long string of adjectives
And it’s always written 1) in the exact same way, which is 2) very badly. Ready?
1) Seduction
“I want to fuck you now,” he says
2) Foreplay
The feeling is exquisite.
4) Christian Grey’s Penis
I hear his groan of pure pleasure, and it stirs my soul.
5) An orgasm erupts from Ana, along with a string of oddly chosen adjectives
Oh fucking my . . . My insides begin to quicken. He feels it, too, and increases the rhythm, pushing me, higher, harder, faster—and I surrender, exploding around him—a draining, soul-grabbing orgasm that leaves me spent and exhausted.
And goddammit, we’re not even five pages into this chapter yet, because now Ana has to go to work where Jack Hyde, a character who is somehow the least subtle element of a BDSM erotic novel, hits on Ana. It’s unclear whether Ana is aware of his advances, since her narration definitely takes note of them, but doesn’t seem even remotely concerned.
Here, I kept a list.
- Jack gazes at me, assessing my appearance, as I make my way to my desk.
- “As you probably remember, I’m going to that Commissioning Fiction Symposium in New York on Thursday. I have tickets and reservations, but I’d like you to come with me. […] We’ll need to go Wednesday and stay overnight. I think you’ll find it a very educational experience.” His eyes darken as he says this, but his smile is polite.
- Jack returns after midday and tells me that New York is off for me though he is still going and there’s nothing he can do to change senior management policy. He strides into his office, slamming the door, obviously furious. Why is he so angry?
- His arm brushes mine. Accidentally?
- “Pages sixteen and twenty-three, and that should be it,” he murmurs, his mouth inches from my ear.
- “I think the least I could do is reward you with a quick drink. You deserve one.” He tucks a strand of my hair that’s come loose from my hair tie behind my ear and gently caresses the lobe.
It’s finally at that last one where Ana goes from “my boss is probably hitting on me but whatevs” to “my boss is hitting on me but whatevs” and- wait, what did I just write? Goddammit, none of this book makes sense.
Additionally, Ana and Christian email each other throughout this scene, and Christian strongly implies that he wants Ana to move in with him, which produces this gem:
Does he want me to move in? Holy Moses . . . I barely know the man.
Just so we’re clear, this is the same Ana who said this eight pages earlier:
I marvel at the depth of feeling that I have for this beautiful flawed man. I love him.
On the plus side, Ana and Christian get into fight over the business trip Jack wants her to go on!
“No!” I shout at my computer, causing the entire office to come to a standstill and stare at me. Jack peers out from his office.
“Everything all right, Ana?”
“Yes. Sorry,” I mutter. “I er . . . just didn’t save a document.”
Everybody shrugs it off after this, and, both sadly and hilariously, this is the most realistic part of this chapter. No, seriously, losing an unsaved document will always garner understanding from people, regardless of what ridiculous, out-of-line behavior you exhibit in reaction to it. One time I was working on a lab report for chemistry, accidentally saved over a draft I had spent the past hour working on, and shouted “son of a shitfuck!” in front of my whole family, and then they felt sorry for me instead of upset that I interrupted them watching The Lion King.
After work, Christian picks Ana up but they’re still mad at each other from their fight earlier that day for like a third of a page, so, yeah, guess what it’s time for, guys?
1) Seduction
“Do you feel it?” he breathes.
“Yes.”
2) Foreplay
“I do hope you’re not overly fond of these panties.” He tears through them with his adept fingers, and they disintegrate in his hands.
4) Christian Grey’s Penis
It’s just him and me, doing what we do best.
5) Voice Activated Orgasm
“Oh, baby,” Christian moans, his teeth grazing my jaw, and I come hard around him.
Then Ana agrees to move in with Christian if he stops interfering with her professional life and they say that they love each other and it’s a big deal even though I’m pretty sure this already happened? Wait, I’m done with the chapter, I can stop giving a shit now!
I wish someone would come out with a parody of “Son of a Preacher Man” called “Son of a shitfuck”.
It is one of my favorite combinations of profanity.
Lovers don’t need safe words? Yes, yes they do!! SOME BDSM communities don’t have safe words, but it’s generally only where there’s an incredibly strong bond of trust/respect between the two. Which, clearly they don’t have seeing as how they don’t even live together, and have only been together for a few months. My partner and I have been together almost ten years, and we still have safe words.
Also, Ana needs to buy some stronger panties. I feel like we need to keep a running total of how many panties she’s lost/ruined.
And finally, I was at my local bookstore and I saw a staff review of 50 shades comparing it to the Twilight series, and I thought “comparing a book to Twilight will never EVER work to get me to buy a book”.
Vibrator manufacturers should seriously think about using Christian Grey’s voice with their products. Also, how do panties disintegrate?
You can so tell these book(s?) were Twilight fanfics. The whole “I love you – but wait, we can’t move in together, I don’t know you” shtick reminds me of Bella’s whole “I love you and I want to be with you forever – but marriage? Ick, no, I’m too young!” Neither makes sense, and yet.
Although what upsets me the most is I have to give credit to 50 Shades here, because at least that idiotic line of reasoning wasn’t used as a major plot point. (I guess? Haven’t read the series, so who knows what comes up later.) It pains me to give any credit to 50 Shades though, even over Twilight. Maybe I’ve just grown numb to Bella and Edward and their whole abusive relationship melodrama, but they manage to annoy me just a smidgen less than Christian “Penis” Grey and Ana “No-Spine” Steele.
Also, I have to agree with Mylene – how in the world do panties disintegrate? What the hell are the panties in this world made of, glass? Fabric does not disintegrate on contact (if it did, football would be way more hilarious to watch). And has Ms. James ever tried to rip fabric? It’s tough. Even the flimsiest fabrics are hard to just tear with your bare hands, especially if you’re basically ripping at the middle of a piece. But most importantly, why am I now thinking so much about the logistics of how Christian ripped off Ana’s panties? This way lies madness.
One last thing before I post this crazy-long comment. This line:
“Oh, baby,” Christian moans…
I keep reading it as a song lyric. Specifically, this: “Oh baby, baby. How was I supposed to know, that something wasn’t right here?” Which means Christian Grey has become Britney Spears, and if I could draw I’d draw him in her schoolgirl outfit because the image amuses me so much.
Annnnd I need to stop reading at night, when I’m most long-winded. Heh.
I might have to start referring to him as Christian “Penis” Grey… it’s just too good
“We’re lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don’t need safe words.”
You know how people who are actually into BDSM complain that Fifty Shades is a completely misleading depiction of the BDSM community? I bet this is one of those parts that they complain about.
Abso-FUCKING-lutely! Look, there are ALWAYS safe words. Even if you have not made up your own safe words, there are still the generic “green, yellow, red” safe words that are ALWAYS recognized and respected. I know couples who have been together for 10-15 and still respect them, even if they no longer have to use them. Even in the BEST of relationships, brimming with trust and all-out devotion/love, things can wrong during a scene. You can think you and your partner know exactly what turns you both on (there’s that pesky “consensual” thing again that keeps getting in ELJ’s way), but your partner can still have a psychological reaction s/he was not expecting and need to “red out” of the scene.
And I REALLY wish that ELJ would look up the definition of the word “punishment.” This is not something that Doms do for their own pleasure or for the sub’s pleasure. If they find it pleasurable and sexy, it’s not punishment. Just further evidence that ELJ doesn’t know shit about the subject matter she decided to write about.