At the end of the previous chapter, Ana and Christian Grey were playing a sexy game of pool with a sexy bet where how they’d have sex would sexily be determined by the sexy winner. Don’t forget this book is sexy, everybody.
Christian wins the bet, so he gets to spank Ana. Don’t forget this book is sexy, everybody.
“Well, let’s count your misdemeanors, Miss Steele.” He counts on his long fingers. “One, making me jealous of my own staff. Two, arguing with me about working. And three, waving your delectable derriere at me for the last twenty minutes.”
Just to recap, the male romantic lead in this novel feels as though he has to spank his girlfriend because she wants to go to her job. Christian Dreamboat Grey, everybody.
Only Christian could turn me on with just a look and the flex of a ruler.
It may also just be you, Anastasia. Let’s see if Christian says anything stupid next!
“We’re lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don’t need safe words.”
You know how people who are actually into BDSM complain that Fifty Shades is a completely misleading depiction of the BDSM community? I bet this is one of those parts that they complain about.
So here’s the spanky foreplay this time: Christian strips Ana down, hands her a pool cue, and makes her bend over to try to sink the 8 ball, but every time she takes a shot, he spanks her with the ruler.
I am panting now, excited by this game.
Christian ignores Ana’s apparent and sudden dehydration and when she misses enough shots, we speed things along. Now, Ariel skipped over almost all of this sex scene yesterday, but you guys are here reading this blog so you don’t have to read the book, so I feel like it’s kind of my duty to fill you in on the horribleness of this sex scene.
Ha, fill you in. See what I did there?
…moving on. You know how every single sex scene in Fifty Shades follows the same structure? Just in case you forgot, it’s:
- Seduction that either is or is narrated in a way that is not at all seductive
- Foreplay, usually accompanied by a hilariously dumb bit of sexy talk by Christian or inner monologue by Ana
- Oral Sex (optional)
- Christian Grey’s Penis
- Orgasm, typically voice activated, typically in the form of an eruption, typically accompanied by a long string of adjectives
And it’s always written 1) in the exact same way, which is 2) very badly. Ready?
“I want to fuck you now,” he says
The feeling is exquisite.
4) Christian Grey’s Penis
I hear his groan of pure pleasure, and it stirs my soul.
5) An orgasm erupts from Ana, along with a string of oddly chosen adjectives
Oh fucking my . . . My insides begin to quicken. He feels it, too, and increases the rhythm, pushing me, higher, harder, faster—and I surrender, exploding around him—a draining, soul-grabbing orgasm that leaves me spent and exhausted.
And goddammit, we’re not even five pages into this chapter yet, because now Ana has to go to work where Jack Hyde, a character who is somehow the least subtle element of a BDSM erotic novel, hits on Ana. It’s unclear whether Ana is aware of his advances, since her narration definitely takes note of them, but doesn’t seem even remotely concerned.
Here, I kept a list.
- Jack gazes at me, assessing my appearance, as I make my way to my desk.
- “As you probably remember, I’m going to that Commissioning Fiction Symposium in New York on Thursday. I have tickets and reservations, but I’d like you to come with me. […] We’ll need to go Wednesday and stay overnight. I think you’ll find it a very educational experience.” His eyes darken as he says this, but his smile is polite.
- Jack returns after midday and tells me that New York is off for me though he is still going and there’s nothing he can do to change senior management policy. He strides into his office, slamming the door, obviously furious. Why is he so angry?
- His arm brushes mine. Accidentally?
- “Pages sixteen and twenty-three, and that should be it,” he murmurs, his mouth inches from my ear.
- “I think the least I could do is reward you with a quick drink. You deserve one.” He tucks a strand of my hair that’s come loose from my hair tie behind my ear and gently caresses the lobe.
It’s finally at that last one where Ana goes from “my boss is probably hitting on me but whatevs” to “my boss is hitting on me but whatevs” and- wait, what did I just write? Goddammit, none of this book makes sense.
Additionally, Ana and Christian email each other throughout this scene, and Christian strongly implies that he wants Ana to move in with him, which produces this gem:
Does he want me to move in? Holy Moses . . . I barely know the man.
Just so we’re clear, this is the same Ana who said this eight pages earlier:
I marvel at the depth of feeling that I have for this beautiful flawed man. I love him.
On the plus side, Ana and Christian get into fight over the business trip Jack wants her to go on!
“No!” I shout at my computer, causing the entire office to come to a standstill and stare at me. Jack peers out from his office.
“Everything all right, Ana?”
“Yes. Sorry,” I mutter. “I er . . . just didn’t save a document.”
Everybody shrugs it off after this, and, both sadly and hilariously, this is the most realistic part of this chapter. No, seriously, losing an unsaved document will always garner understanding from people, regardless of what ridiculous, out-of-line behavior you exhibit in reaction to it. One time I was working on a lab report for chemistry, accidentally saved over a draft I had spent the past hour working on, and shouted “son of a shitfuck!” in front of my whole family, and then they felt sorry for me instead of upset that I interrupted them watching The Lion King.
After work, Christian picks Ana up but they’re still mad at each other from their fight earlier that day for like a third of a page, so, yeah, guess what it’s time for, guys?
“Do you feel it?” he breathes.
“I do hope you’re not overly fond of these panties.” He tears through them with his adept fingers, and they disintegrate in his hands.
4) Christian Grey’s Penis
It’s just him and me, doing what we do best.
5) Voice Activated Orgasm
“Oh, baby,” Christian moans, his teeth grazing my jaw, and I come hard around him.
Then Ana agrees to move in with Christian if he stops interfering with her professional life and they say that they love each other and it’s a big deal even though I’m pretty sure this already happened? Wait, I’m done with the chapter, I can stop giving a shit now!