Actively trying to write worse erotica than what we’ve seen so far in the world of Fifty Shades is actually incredibly hard. I love being funny, but I didn’t want this to read like a parody. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that was avoidable. So I decided to give you guys a play-by-play as I attempted to write a scene that was even more poorly written than one written by James herself.
Meet Crystal Vonsmokeson and Dirk Black in Black and White. The tagline would probably appear above the title and be like, “It’s not always…”
Crystal and Dirk aren’t looking for love when he offers her a ride home in the rain. She’s just a lowly receptionist and he’s an executive.
Then they start fucking.
But first here were some thoughts I had before I started trying to write this:
1) You can quirk an eyebrow at someone…could a really penially exceptional man quirk his penis at a lady he liked? What would this look like? Would it be sexy? No, definitely not. Would it be trying too too hard to be bad? Okay, I’ll leave that line out.
2) How do I not make this a blatant Fifty Shades parody? Okay, no tampons being ripped out, no pubic hair being tugged.
Anyway, back to the fucking! The italics are my thoughts as I write.
Okay, here’s where I start my attempt to write really really awful erotica. This won’t be at all awkward considering my parents read this blog!
Crystal was wearing a tight black dress with a purple belt.
Women would want these kind of details, right? Ana is always telling us what she’s wearing.
She didn’t think she looked sexy, but Dirk definitely thought she looked sexy. Because she was sexy. He peeled her dress off of her and threw it to the ground.
I want to go listen to that Lonely Island song where they throw the birthday cake down, and they’re like, “I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!”
Crystal undid Dirk’s belt and took off his pants. Then his erection sprang free.
“Oh baby,” Crystal said, “Your peen is so astoundingly big.”
Dirk’s eyes pierced her soul as he said, “I know. And your boobs are hot.”
She gave him a blowjob, then he went down on her. Then they fucked.
Dirk moaned, “You are so tight, like an ill-fitting shirt.”
Those were the sexiest words Crystal had ever heard.
Uhhhh so now what happens? Does he just keep thrusting? Do I have to talk about that? I mean it has to last awhile, right? Also I need to talk about how Crystal’s vagina and insides feel.
Dirk kept thrusting…and thrusting. Sexily. Crystal’s vagina felt tingly and good. Her orgasm was volcanic.
Dirk’s love-hammer continued pounding inside her, but she came three more times before he did.
Then there was pillow talk and shit.