I’m glad Law and Order: SVU doesn’t deal with dummies. That shit would be so frightening!
In scary news, I read the plot summary of Sinister and it was definitely creepy, but I’m sleeping okay at night, hoorah!
When we last left Kris and Lindy, they had just discovered their dummies in a compromising position…Mr. Wood choking Slappy.
The girls are really freaked out, so they go to talk to their mother, who is reading a Stephen King novel. Subtle.
Mom is really unhelpful. For some reason she thinks this has to do with their competition even though they come in as a united front. I guess it’s like the boy who cried wolf except they’re the girls who cried fucking annoying.
Kris puts Mr. Wood away in the closet for the night, but when she wakes up, he’s sitting next to Slappy with his arm around him.
Honestly, I’m almost positive Slappy is the evil one framing Mr. Wood, and I gotta say, that’s fucking genius of him.
This chapter begins with Kris practicing with Mr. Wood. She asks him what his favorite class at school is, and this is what happens:
“Woodshop, of course!”
“What project are you building in shop class, Mr. Wood?”
“I’m building a girl dummy, what else?”
Yup, Mr. Wood is building a girl dummy. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Apparently Mr. Wood has not done anything weird for the past two days, so Kris is warming up to him again. Moron.
Lindy comes in and announces someone from Channel Three (yup, you heard right, friggen Channel Three! Can you believe it?) thinks Lindy is talented enough to try out for Talent Search. Woah Nelly. Kris is super jelly, and after Lindy leaves the room Kris smashes Mr. Wood’s on the floor. Yay!
Later that night we shift to Lindy’s point of view. She wakes up to Kris leaving the room to get a glass of water. But then she hears Kris scream!
Lindy goes downstairs to find everything in the fridge has been dumped onto the floor, and for some reason all of Kris’ fake jewelry is lying in the mess. And there, sitting like a smug asshole, is Mr. Wood. BUT REALLY IT IS PROBS SLAPPY, AMIRIGHT?!?!?!
Mom comes down and loses her shit. Because both girls deny any involvement, they both lose their dummies! Oh, thank god, their mother is actually saving their lives! And they all live happily ever after?
But then Kris and Lindy start negotiating with her that they’ll clean and pay for new stuff, but clearly there is a lesson to be learned here, and Mama isn’t just gonna cave so easily!
“Okay,” she replied finally. “I want the kitchen spotless when I come down in the morning. All the food, all the jewelry. Everything back where it goes.”
The girls clean up and go to bed. Man, every time they go to bed something creepy happens.
Like I said, something creepy happens. Kris wakes up to someone saying, “Let me out!” And the voice is coming from the closet.
Kris is terrified, and she tells Lindy something horrible is going on. Lindy reveals she knows who is responsible.
Lindy reveals that she has been doing all of this shit all along. What a fucking bitch! I really hope Slappy kills her first. Like this is some seriously twisted shit for a kid. Dummies choking each other? All the nasty stuff she had him say?
Shit gets really real when Kris says, “It was too mean to be just a joke.”
That is some shockingly profound stuff, Goosebumps, well played. I concur with Kris.
Kris decides she’s going to get payback.
Cody’s back! I really hope he and Kris start macking on each other soon. This book really needs to get to the sex already. Instead they have a really awkward conversation:
Two men in white uniforms were up on ladders, leaning against the corner house, painting the gutters.
“Bet they’re hot,” Cody remarked.
“Let’s change the subject,” Kris suggested.
Guess she’s not into observational conversation, just talking about her fucking dummy. Cody’s never going to touch your boobs if you won’t talk about anything but yourself and this dummy of yours. Just kidding, of course he will! They’re boobs!
Kris goes home to practice with Mr. Wood and finds a piece of paper in his pocket. She reads the sentence, which is written in another language, aloud. Bet something wacky is gonna happen soon!
If by wacky I meant their neighbors show up wanting a performance, then sure, something wacky happens. And if by wacky I also meant there are weird incestuous overtones, then yup, sure is wacky.
Kris was always struck by how much the Millers looked alike. They both had slender pink faces topped with spongy white hair. They both wore silver-framed bifocals, which slipped down on nearly identical point noses. They both had the same smile.
What if this was the real horror story? I guess inbreeding is a good explanation for why these people came over actively seeking a ventriloquist act.
The Millers were laughing so hard, their faces were bright red. An identical shade of red. Mrs. Miller kept squeezing her
brother’shusband’s knee when she laughed.
Incestuous overtones aside, everyone in this book is described this way when viewing Lindy’s comedy act. People are in fucking hysterics over this. Are they laughing at how horrible it is? That’s the only way it makes any sense.
It’s Kris’ turn to perform! Except Mr. Wood takes over and just starts insulting the Millers, and I end up feeling bad for those old incestuous love birds. Kris starts crying and runs upstairs.
Despite having told Lindy she was never speaking to her again, the chapter opens with Kris speaking to her again. She insists she wasn’t the one saying those mean things to the Millers. Lindy is just like, “Bitch please, I did this joke already.”
We then skip ahead to Kris’ big performance at the school concert. Can something scary please happen? We’re already on chapter 17, motherfucking R.L. Stine!
Mr. Wood again takes over and starts insulting Kris’ teacher who is introducing her on stage. This is more awkward than it is scary. Also gross, check this shizzy out:
The dummy’s head tilted back. His jaw dropped. His mouth opened wide.
And a thick green liquid came spewing out.
I’m sorry, is this Nickelodeon?
Everyone flees the auditorium because the liquid smells gross. Kris’ teacher says she’s going to get her suspended for life.