No foreplay for you guys, just jumping straight in to the action of…
Ana cries and Christian holds her, whispering things like, “I’m sorry, baby.” He puts Ana to bed for the millionth time. That’s another thing I’m sick of reading in this series!
Speaking of repeated scenes, we’re again treated to Ana’s peculiar fascination with orange juice. I’m someone who used to exclusively drink orange juice as a child, and even I am alarmed by this. “In the fridge, I find a carton of orange juice and pour myself a glass. Hmm . . . it’s delicious, and my fuzzy head eases immediately.” Why the “Hmm”? Was she not sure she was going to still find it delicious? What sets this orange juice apart from the rest? It’s all so unclear.
Ana ruminates on Christian’s earlier marriage proposal. Yes, she does indeed rehash tons of information we already know.
Suddenly, Ana is jolted out of her thoughts by a scream. Ana, of course, has a particularly stupid way of describing the situation:
I flip one of the light switches, and Christian’s bedside light comes to life. He’s tossing and turning, writhing in agony. No! He cries out again, and the eerie, devastating sound lances through me anew.
Ya don’t say.
Christian’s nightmare consisted of Ana leaving him. A thought so terrifying it makes him both sweaty and sexy. So they start getting it on, and apparently “His eyes are serious, wanting, full of dark secrets—exposed.” What any of that means, no one really knows. I just realized, for such a “sexy” book, this is the first sex we’re seeing in awhile. Mixed feelings.
This time, though, things are different. Christian lets Ana touch him. I bet ya’ll are just standing up and cheering right about now.
I feel like sometimes Fifty Shades spies on my love life and deliberately does things just to fuck with me. I had a conversation earlier today with my sort-of boyfriend about how deeply uncomfortable the word “nipple” makes me. I can type it alright in this context, but in a sexy context? No. Actually saying the word? Nearly impossible for me. And now the book is just like nipple this, nipple that. I can’t handle this! God damn it, Fifty.
So then Ana is having trouble having an orgasm because, “My head is too cloudy,cloudy with issues.” That’s so funny because my head is too cloudy with bad writing to finish this post! Just kidding, I truck on. This is actually a very normal human issue, but the way it’s resolved is, well, not.
“Come on baby, I need this. Give it to me.”
And I explode, my body a slave to his…
Yeah…voice-activated orgasms sure are convenient.
They cuddle and talk about how they want to get to know each other better. This is very logical as one has proposed to the other mere hours ago. Christian starts talking about his nightmare, which was apparently about his crack-whore mother and her pimp and not Ana leaving (I guess he woke up and thought she’d abandoned him when really she was just having some delicious orange juice.)
Christian insists marriage makes lots of sense and they’ll get to know each other after. I’m not going to comment because this part of the book speaks for itself. Then he’s like, “We can even have kids!!” Oh Christ.
The next morning, Ana informs us that she hasn’t yet had time to process everything that’s happened. Fuck. That means I’m probably going to have to read five pages about shit I just read five pages ago.
Taylor takes Ana to work, driving as fast as he can, but she’s still a bit late. Jack is really nasty to her, and she wonders why. Well, Ana, it’s because you won’t fuck him.
Ana’s phone rings and it’s Jose, who we haven’t heard from in a really long time! He’s offering to bring the photos of Ana, which Christian bought, to them. Can something interesting PLEASE happen?
Jack continues to be a dick to Ana, but she really is just talking on her phone and e-mailing her boyfriend and handing in work with mistakes. No seriously, she doesn’t do any work! Ethan calls next and then comes to pick up her keys. Nothing remotely work related is happening except she made a photocopy!
On her lunch break Ana ponders marrying Christian. No new information.
I did forget to mention, though, that they’re both going to meet with Dr. Flynn together soon.
After lunch Ana gets a phone call from Mia, and her reaction is, “I hope she doesn’t want to hang at the mall.” Wait, is that a thing? We’ve met Mia like once or twice and I don’t recall this ever being a thing. Now I just want to listen to How I Met Your Mother’s “Let’s go to the Mall”.
Turns out Mia is just inviting Ana to Christian’s birthday party. I bet that will be full of interesting and fun times for all!
Aaaaand the chapter ends with Jack, having asked Ana to stay late at work, about to rape her:
His lips twitch into a grotesque smile, and his eyes gleam a deep, dark cobalt. “At last, I have you on your own,” he says, and he slowly licks his lower lip.
“Now . . . are you going to be a good girl and listen very carefully to what I say?”
This book is the most over the top, awful thing ever. Oh gawwwwd.
Until next time, folks.