In case you forgot, missed the last post, are just joining us, blocked this book out of your memory, just came out of a coma, are suffering from amnesia, or just can’t get enough of Ana and Christian’s, er, adventures, here’s where we left off:
They were going to have sex in Christian’s playroom again. The last time they did this, Christian spanked Ana so hard she dumped him for one whole chapter. Guys, that was like four pages! Ana lost so much weight because her heart was so broken for those five minutes!
In case you ALSO didn’t remember, Ana found pictures of Christian and another woman in the playroom while she was in Christian’s closet looking for something.
This all sets the stage for the opening of the chapter when Ana asks Christian not to take photos of her while they’re in the playroom. See what a complex and nuanced novel this is?
For awhile, things are pretty boring. Christian has Ana undress, ties her hair in a braid, puts a tie around her neck–you know, the usual, but then Christian starts talking about butt-plugs and anal virgins, and I think I see where this is going. Hmmm mentions of butt-plugs and anal virgins. You don’t think…If they’re about to have anal sex I hope Ana shits herself while it happens and my career as a blogger will reach a new high! Please, oh please, let something hilarious and gross and awful happen!
But before we can find out about that, Christian begins to talk about nipple clamps, and Ana thinks this:
I blink up at him, wide-eyed. Christian, my sexual mentor. He knows so much more about all this than I do. I’ll never catch up. I frown. He knows more than me about most things . . . except cooking.
I think it would have been totally fine if that paragraph just ended with, “He knows more than me about most things…” It just sounds so absolutely pathetic and sets women back like fifty years. I guess it could have been worse, she could have said, “He knows more about me than me about most things…except cooking, feelings and child-rearing.”
Christian ties Ana up, and she thinks, yet another, incredibly stupid thought:
His proximity is intoxicating. This man is going to be my husband. Can one lust after one’s husband like this? I don’t remember reading about that anywhere.
First of all, the fact that they’ve started dating like a month ago aside, yes, Ana, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to lust after your husband. That seems like something even society with all of its bullshit would allow, perhaps even encourage. Especially when you’ve only been dating for a really short period of time and are still in the in-lust phase.
Also the fact that she can’t remember reading about whether or not you’re allowed to lust after your husband is hilarious. I don’t recall seeing that Cosmopolitan article either. “Ten Reasons Women Can Lust After Their Husbands (and 47 New Ways to Give a Blow Job!”) just hasn’t been featured yet. But what do I know, I probably never come out missionary or doggy stile .
Then he puts a mask over Ana’s face, so she can’t see what he’s doing. Then he begins to give her a massage. Come on, get to the anal and have Ana shit herself already!
He ends up putting the plug in Ana’s vagina, not her butt, and she tells us:
Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate—down there!
Oh, come on Ana, you just told us it was in your vagina, we understood it was “down there.” But thank you for reminding us that vaginas are down there and not, you know, up there. Then this happens:
“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me . . . there! Into my backside. Fuck. It feels alien, full, forbidden . . . but oh . . . so . . . good. And he moves slowly, easing in and out, while his teeth graze my upturned chin.
Damn it! There’s no mention of pooping herself anywhere! Was that too much to ask from this book? It’s not like these books shy away from gross things like tampons being ripped out of vaginas and putting someone else’s toothbrush in your mouth and finding it erotic.
And I don’t know how convinced I am that him fingering her butthole for the first time felt oh so good. I’m just not convinced, James.
It’s funny, I was going to make a joke about how if Ana didn’t poo herself during anal sex, at least she could die from one of these orgasm, and then the characters start joking about this:
“I think you’re trying to kill me,” I mutter.
“Death by orgasm.” He smirks. “There are worse ways to go,” he says but then frowns ever so slightly as an unpleasant thought crosses his mind. It distresses me. I reach up and caress his face.
“You can kill me like this anytime,” I whisper.
Please take her up on it! But it kind of ruined my wish when they started making jokes about it themselves. They have sex that James doesn’t even feel like writing about. Then James fills up the next few pages with stupid, boring conversations about loving each other. In case we were confused.
Just so we know Ana still has a life outside of Christian, we’re treated to her texting Kate. They’re going to catch up later! Awesome.
Christian is literally in the other room taking a phone call, and Ana e-mails him to tell him lunch is almost ready and other cutesy things. I hate these two.
Ray calls to talk to Ana about how Christian asked if he could marry her. Ray comes off as both reasonable and incredibly lame in this conversation. It’s actually kind of impressive:
“I said I wanted to talk to you. It’s kind of sudden, don’t you think, Annie? You’ve not known him long. I mean, he’s a nice guy, knows his fishing . . . but so soon?” His voice is calm and measured.
Well, if he knows his fishing!
Whatever, she gushes about Christian, and Ray is like, okay. God, nothing is happening! James isn’t even trying! Why didn’t she realize I’d have to blog about this chapter someday and just shorten it by five pages?
Christian confronts Ana about why she asked not to have any photos taken in the playroom, and she tells him how she found the photos in the closet. To sum up another unnecessarily long conversation, the photos are for Christian’s protection/to prevent exposure and the subs agreed to it. They’re supposed to be in a safe but crazy Leila (Christian’s ex-sub who lost her mind and stalked and threatened to kill them) moved them from the safe to the closet. Apparently Christian only has one long number written down anywhere, and Leila must have found it! Wow, that was a fucking annoyingly long (and yet still very boring) explanation.
Then I’m forced to read a nearly identical conversation between Ana and her mother. It is so similar to the one she has with Ray, except her mother is like, “I wish your father was still alive to see you!” And I know James is like trying to force me to get emotional, but the amount of fucks I give is simply nonexistent.
More boring, pointless stuff happens like another fight between Ana and Christian in which he shows how super controlling and annoying he is, but then the work it out ’cause their love is so pure! Basically, he didn’t want her going to the store in the skirt she was wearing because it was too short, but she did it anyway. James can truly draw drama from anything, a master of her craft.
Now it’s time for Christian’s birthday party at his family’s house. Gosh, I bet this will be thrilling!
Well, actually, as far as this book goes, the chapter ends on a surprising “cliff-hanger.” Kate confronts them at the party, saying:
“What the fuck is this?” she hisses and waves a piece of paper at me. Completely at a loss, I take it from her and scan it quickly. My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my e-mail response to Christian, discussing the contract.
No doubt if Christian’s disappearance was resolved in the span of a few pages, then no doubt this will be resolved in like two sentences. At least I wasn’t expecting it, though!
Only one chapter left until the thrilling conclusion of part two, you guys! Thanks for sticking with us, we love you! Especially you, Mandi.