Bad Romance Advice, Good Times: “25 Sex Tips You Didn’t Know”

Well, you guys. As much as I love reading trashy articles in Cosmo, they’re probably asking to be mocked most of the time. “25 Sex Tips You Didn’t Know” could contain a nugget or two of good sexy advice, but some of the choices in this article are as questionable as Kim Kardashian’s credentials for Being Famous. There may be 25 tips in this article, but I’ll just leave you with five. 

Play up his deep pockets: 

When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” He’ll practically bust out of his pants.

Yup, there was a link in this article to another article telling you how to touch his penis, just in case Cosmo‘s readers were sitting, scratching their heads going, “Well, I was with you when you told me I needed some change in his pockets, but what’s all this about touching his penis? I need more information.”

Also, what if it really is a roll of quarters in his pocket, and he’s confused as to why you felt you needed to resort to begging for change to get some of his lovin’? I’m not entirely sure when he’d be least expecting this, as I don’t think my boyfriend has ever expected me to ask him for change in the first place unless we’re about to get on a bus and I only have bills. So I guess that’s not the right time for this. Man, I’m glad Cosmo cleared that up.

Touch yourself…with his penis. 

Shake up your pre-sex routine by pressing his penis against surprising parts of your body.

The article goes onto suggest that you touch his penis against your breast or inner thigh, but that’s not very exciting as far as surprises go. Try your forehead or give it a little nuzzle with your nose! A much lesser known fact is that men love Eskimo kisses on their penis.

wink

Try finger-food foreplay 

Have a romantic dinner without utensils so you can feed each other. There’s something sensual about placing food in your partner’s mouth. After a meal like this, serve yourself for dessert.

Why stop there? Instead of simply feeding each other, dully placing food into one another’s mouth, try having a food fight! Seeing ketchup smeared all over your partner’s face is bound to kick your sex drive into high gear.

Pleasure his penis

Wait…you want me to what now? Are you sure guys like when you pleasure their penis? That sounds pretty risky if you ask me, Cosmo. 

Cup your hand around his member, creating a “bun” around his “hot dog.” Then kiss the part of his penis that’s exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his penis feel superhot.

Why would I waste time turning his penis into hot dog when I was just informed that sensually feeding him a hot dog would achieve basically the same results?  This just seems like a lot of work with no hot doggin’ reward.

Taunt him

Well this one sounds like it’s going to be…mean.

You might be surprised how easily you can become synchronized. Lay your hand on his chest, and have him do the same. Since heart rate speeds up during orgasm, if you stay hand-to-heart connected while you do it, you’ll feel how wild you’re driving each other.

Wait…buh-wuh? How is this taunting him? Is this supposed to be like a, “Ha! I’m having an orgasm and you’re not!” sort of taunting? This just sounds like a somewhat boring scientific fact. Wow, your heart rate goes up when you’re excited, and when you orgasm you’re excited, so your heart rate goes up when you orgasm. I don’t even…shut up, Cosmo. 

Well, you guys, I’ve learned a lot from this article. Next time I get it on with my boo, I’m going to unexpectedly ask him for change, then start putting his penis on surprising parts of my body like my knee, then sensually feed him something he likes to eat like fish ‘n’ chips,  turn his penis into a hot dog, and touch his heart to really make sure he’s actually enjoying all my hard work.

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14 comments

  1. E.H.Taylor Post authorReply

    I may have spit my tea out with the hotdog analogy. I can just imagine the person who wrote this typing away and being all, “let’s see what ridiculous things I can make people do”.

    You should definitely review articles like this every Wednesday. I’ve obviously been going about things all wrong haha.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      I’d love to keep doing this, I have so much fun writing them and I read these articles all the time anyway…

      I mean, if I were writing articles like this, I don’t think I’d be able to resist writing ridiculous shit and seeing if people actually did it.

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  2. Bellomy Reply

    At the risk of mortally embarrassing myself and having people start questioning my manhood, I am a very dorky person, so here is how I would react to these tips in real life:

    1) The Hell? Maybe I’ll be “bursting out of my pants”, but I’ll also be kinda weirded out.

    2) Huh? I thought…we were having sex? Why are you placing my penis on your thigh?

    3) Pretty much anything done sexily is erotic. Seriously, I can switch those words around with “cleaning” and have no change in meaning. Here, let’s try it: “Start Spring cleaning together. There’s something sensual about dusting things in a skimpy dress. After cleaning like this, prepare to be vacuumed.”

    4) Did…did my penis just get compared to a hot dog? I’m sorry, is there advice being given? I must have missed it when MY PENIS IS A HOT DOG.

    5) This makes absolutely no sense. Actually, it does help with sex a bit. It’s a good reminder not to have sex if you have heart disease until cleared by a competent doctor. Safe sex, kids!

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Hahahhaa I’m glad I wasn’t the only one confused by some of these.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      I’m so glad you enjoyed! Hopefully he doesn’t get any funny ideas from this

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  3. Amy Reply

    Re: 2) That’s all fun and games until you lose an eye. Cosmo might be needing to up their PL insurance with that one.
    And then there’s the old chestnut, “oh, wait, wait… I can hear the ocean!!” – some guys might be a bit upset by what you are trying to insinuate if you try to poke their penis in your ear.

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