Greg Starts Getting Fat, Because That Is Actually The Plot: Say Cheese and Die — Again Chapters 14-18

Previously in Say Cheese and Die – Again, Greg brings back the evil camera and becomes cursed with getting fat. It is riveting.

Chapter 14

Greg discovers that his plan to bring a camera endangering everyone’s lives to school so his teacher will give him a better grade is all for naught when the teacher is out sick! Also, the book might know we’re making fun of it. Ariel says: Which could be the plot of another riveting Goosebumps book! What happens when two bloggers begin mocking a book only to realize the book has been plotting its revenge. And then the sequel would be that book teaming up with like The Host and Crossfire and of course Fifty Shades to murder us. 

“Can I put this in my locker?” I asked, holding up the camera. […]
“Okay,” [the substitute teacher] said […] “But hurry back. I’m going to be talking about the subjunctive tense today. And you don’t want to miss that.”
Thrills and chills, huh?

But, lo, there are thrills and chills!

I turned the corner – and bumped into Brian and Donny.
“Hey-” Brian grunted.
“Hey-” Donny greeted.
They say “Hey” a lot. I think it’s their favorite word.

This is no time to be a smartass, Greg! LIVES ARE IN DANGER. They take the camera away from Greg and threaten to take his picture with it! AAAAAAAAA-

Chapter 15

But the principal shows up and puts a stop to it, so Greg just puts the camera in his locker where NOTHING COULD TOTALLY GO WRONG, RIGHT. Also, the principal is a total hottie.

Mr. Grund is young and has blond wavy hair and a really good tan. He looks more like a surfer than a principal. The girls in our school all have crushes on him.

Ariel says: I guess this was actually written by Sylvia Day or E.L. James. They love to write about the attractiveness of minor characters. My theory will be proven without a doubt if Greg starts talking about how hot his parents are. 

Greg goes to hang out with his friends after school, where the camera’s curse – that Greg gets fat, which is the best plot of a horror novel ever, by the way – starts to become true when Greg notices that, uh, his backpack fits weird.

Michael laughed. “You guys doing anything?”
“Not much,” I replied, straightening my backpack. I still couldn’t get it comfortable.

When Greg gets home he changes from his jeans that have been feeling a little tight, then he goes for a bike ride with his friends and the tires pop from under him. Because the plot is actually “Greg gets really fat”.

Like so.

Chapter 16

Greg’s friends all laugh at his misfortune, because they don’t understand the horrible curse of fatness that is Greg’s cross to bear. Ariel says: A particularly great moment is this: 

“Huh? A diet?” I repeated, swallowing hard. I knew that Bird was only joking.

But his words sent a chill down my back.

Assuming Greg doesn’t die, he’ll hopefully grow up with a deep understanding of the horribleness of dieting. The only diet that really works is the one I learned from MadTv, which is “Eat less, move more.” 

Except Shari has begun to catch on.

As we pedaled through the raindrops, I caught Shari watching me. Studying me. […] Why is she staring at me like that? I wondered.

Because she liiiiiiiikes you you’re gonna get super fat.

Greg wakes up the next morning and literally tears out of his pajamas because he’s gotten fatter, because that is actually the plot of this novel and I just can’t get over this.

Chapter 17

Even Mr. Saur is a total asshole to Greg.

“Hi, Greg. Putting on a little weight?”

Ariel says: I guess when an evil camera puts a curse on you, it’s like a green light for people to shit on you for getting fat. You know, because a curse did it so LOL. 

Greg can’t convince Mr. Saur to see the camera before class, which is even more peoples’ reports about true stories. A girl begins her report and Greg, somehow still not understanding how to not draw attention to himself and the dangerous camera that has already cursed him with immeasurable fatness, keeps interrupting her report to get Mr. Saur to look at the camera.

“before Marci starts,” I said, “can I show you the camera? You know. The one from my report? You said if I brought it in and proved that it’s evil, you’d change my grade. […] Mr. Saur – you promised!”

For some reason this is all the convincing Mr. Saur needs and he lets Greg have a minute to explain about the camera. But Greg is too fat to get out of his seat.

I eagerly tried to stand up.
Tried again.
Again.
We have those chairs with the desk attached to the front.
And I was stuck in the chair. Too fat to get out!

Seriously.

Chapter 18

But then he does manage to get out of the chair.

Greg tries to make his case, but his fatness keeps getting in the way.

[Mr. Saur] lowered the camera. “If I don’t take a picture, how will I know if the camera is evil or not?” (Also, seriously, Greg, why did you think this wouldn’t be what happens?)
I reached into my shirt pocket. “I brought a photo,” I told him. “This will prove I’m telling the truth.”
My fingers were so far, I had trouble poking them into the pocket. My hands felt like squishy balls of dough. They were too blobby to make a fist! (This book is amazing)

Amazingly enough, Greg’s photo of a tragedy the camera predicted that already happened doesn’t do much to sway Mr. Saur. Also, Mr. Saur continues to be oddly childish.

“I’d give you an A for effort,” Mr. Saur said cruelly. “But I’m still giving you an F for your report. F for fake!”

An emotionally devastated Greg tries to run away, but his fatness gets in the way again somehow.

I let out a cry of fury – and went running for the door.
At least, I tried to run. But I was too heavy to move fast. I could only waddle.

Greg manages to flee from the classroom of laughing students despite his overwhelming fatness. While running down the hallway, Shari happens to also be there.

“Greg!” she called, surprised to see me. “What’s going on?”
She was wearing a short black skirt over blue tights. She started to run down the hall toward me.
She took about four steps – and then cried out as her skirt fell down!

Ariel says: Again, I swear Sylvia Day wrote this shit. 

And that’s this chapter’s Goosebumps cliffhanger. There you go.

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0 comments

  1. Bellomy Reply

    WOW, this entered sexual territory shockingly fast.

    Also, Second greatest Goosebumps book ever. STILL doesn’t beat out Chicken, Chicken. Still, props to you, R.L. Stine, for educating America’s youth on the importance of good diet, exercise, and not being a dumbass.

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    • matthewjulius Reply

      Subjunctive is a tense, but in English it’s kind of really simple. Other languages like Spanish actually require you to learn a subjunctive tense in order to be grammatically correct. So, yeah, it does seem really weird to me that these fourth graders have to learn it.

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      • Scribblerian Reply

        Sorry Matthew, A is correct. English only has two tenses: present and past. Future, conditional, subjunctive, etc. are moods or times (possibly with aspects and whatnot). Simply put, structural grammar defines a tense as the placing of an inflection on the verb to define an action’s moment in time. The subjunctive, like the future, doesn’t have its own separate inflection, so it’s a mood.

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      • Scribblerian Reply

        Sorry dude, still technically a mood. It doesn’t indicate time, just reflects a feeling about an action.

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  2. E.H.Taylor Reply

    Why is no one questioning the fact that Greg apparently gained at least 30 pounds overnight?! I mean, if someone is presumably a healthy weight one day and then bursting out of their clothes and waddling down the halls the next, I’d have some serious concerns!

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