I finally found the perfect gif to accompany the moment Aphrodite says, “This place is cool because I’m cool.”
She may be a bit old for the part, but she is now Aphrodite for me. [Matthew says: I like it, because it’s very appropriate for how it’s a book written by a grown women trying to sound like a teenage girl.]
Last chapter Zoey went to class. That’s pretty much all you need to remember. [Matthew says: I don’t know why I bothered showing up last week, really.]
This chapter begins with what should have been last chapter’s cliffhanger. Stevie Rae is sad because one of the other students failed to go through the vampyre ch-ch-changes and died. Can you guess which tertiary character was killed off already? The Cast family should have saved this crazy twist for sweeps!
This isn’t the American Idol results show; I won’t make you wait an hour to find out who got kicked off this book (in other news, apparently Idol has cut that shit down to half hour. “That will make me tune in every week!” Said no one.) Elizabeth No Last Name, the girl too cool (and unimportant) to have a last name. Well, I guess that isn’t completely fair because she chose to have no last name.
Zoey is bummed because she has a lot of really fond memories of Elizabeth. Cue the montage:
I remembered how considerate she’d been about my Mark, and how she’d noticed Erik looking at me.
Fond memories indeed. It’s truly touching that one of Zoey’s fondest memories of the deceased is that she noticed a cute boy was looking at Zoey, thus giving Zoey the validation she needed to go tell that story to her other friends. You will truly be missed, Elizabeth. Your contributions to this tale will not be forgotten.
[Matthew says: It’s kind of hard to do a montage for a character in a book, but, well, to properly honor our lost friend, I feel it only appropriate to ask you to play the “Remembering SpongeBob” music while reading some of the moments she’ll be most fondly remembered for:
“So, what preconceived notions do you have about the Amazon warrior?” she asked the class.
A blonde who sat on the other side of the room said, “The Amazons were heavily matriarchal, as are all vampyre societies.”
Jeesh, she sounded smart.
“He’s so f-ing hot,” someone whispered in my ear. I turned and, shockingly, Ms. Perfect Student Elizabeth was staring after Erik and fanning herself.
Let us never forget these moments that made Elizabeth the girl she was, like when Zoey decided she was a perfect student after hearing her say one thing in class one time.]
“Everything goes on like normal. We’re supposed to get used to the idea that it might happen to anyone. You’ll see. Everyone will act like nothing happened, especially upperclassmen. It’s just third formers and good friends of Elizabeth, like her roommate, who will show any reaction at all. The third formers—that’s us— are supposed to act right and get over it. Elizabeth’s roommate and best friends will probably keep to themselves for a couple days, but then they’ll be expected to get it together.” She lowered her voice, “Truthfully, I don’t think the vamps think of any of us as real until we actually Change.”
Oh, never mind. Peace the fuck out, Elizabeth No Last Name.
As far as interesting goes in this book, the fact that the actual vampyres kind of don’t give two shits about the pre-vampyre-teens is intriguing, but I’m mostly just glad the next scene isn’t a Vampssembly about losing one of their students and hoping the goddess Nyx wraps her in a sweet embrace or some bullshit. [Matthew says: And yet we have two straight chapters of almost-identical vampyre rituals for the goddess Nyx anyway.]
But the show must go on, and now it’s time for the Full Moon Ritual…and some more of the infamous teen-speak the Cast family is known for.
“Just please with the taking so long,” Shaunee called from the front steps of the temple.
But what does it mean? It’s so hip I can’t translate it.
The ritual begins, but what really matters is the sexy hunk of vampyre who’s helping to lead the ritual.
Now, here was an excellent example of the stereotype of the gorgeous vamp guy, up close and personal. He was over six feet tall and looked like he belonged on the big screen.
“And there is the only reason I’m taking that damn Poetry elective,” Shaunee whispered.
“I’m with you there, Twin,” Erin breathed dreamily.
“Who is he?” I asked Stevie Rae.
“Loren Blake, Vamp Poet Laureate. He’s the first male Poet Laureate in two hundred years. Literally,” she whispered. “And he’s only like twentysomething, and that’s in real years, not just in looks.”
I love how they have to specify that he’s the Vamp Poet Laureate. I really hope we get to read some of his poetry at some point, I bet it’s freaking gold.
One part of the ritual is that Neferet calls to different elements corresponding to different directions, and there are a couple pages where it’s like, “I summon water” and Zoey’s like “OMG I smell the sea,” or “I summon fire” and Zoey’s like, “OMG I feel hot, but I don’t think anyone else does!” So this may tie into her special mark. At one point during Neferet’s sermon the mark even starts to tingle so either Voldemort is near or this ritual is connecting Zoey to Nyx again. [Matthew says: Basically this entire chapter is the first ten seconds of any episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender.]
Zoey is absolutely loving the ritual and tells us repeatedly how it’s way better than church. I guess the Cast family not only has a problem with Tom Cruise and Sarah Jessica Parker but also with Christianity. What don’t they have a problem with? Poop. Actual shit is the answer, though it hasn’t explicitly come up this chapter.
The gang all start to head to dinner, but they remember Zoey has to meet up with Aphrodite and the other mean girls, which leads to this bizarre exchange which once again raises the question of what demographic this book is really aimed towards.
No. Aphrodite said they’re going to feed me.”
“Probably raw meat,” Shaunee said.
“Yeah, from some poor kid she caught in her nasty spider web,” Erin said.
“By that she means the one between her legs,” Shaunee explained.
It seems like a pretty risque joke for this book, then again we got that whole blow job scene, then again the word “poopie” is used a lot. That aside, what exactly does this even mean? Spider webs between her legs implies her vagina hasn’t been used in awhile, which, come on, this is Aphrodite we’re talking about. Her vagina gets cleaned out for cobwebs like all day errry day. So this line means that her vagina is a spider web which captures men? But then why are they eating this guy? God damn, that is a horrible insult. Go back to the poop related ones, at least those aren’t open to interpretation. [Matthew says: Yes, Ariel. Encourage the Casts to write even more elaborate poop jokes.]
We do have another chapter ending with Zoey feeling nauseous as she wonders what to expect from the mean girls. Find out tomorrow!