Abby Cuts Travis Out Of Her Life Unless She’s Expected For Thanksgiving Or Something: Walking Disaster Chapter 22 and 23

Yes, somehow there’s still a third of this book left.

Chapter 22: Not Good For Anybody

Abby has just cut Travis out of her life because he’s a possessive, immature, selfish sexual predator. (Reviews notes) Oh, wait, no, because he wanted to start fighting for the mob. …Well, whatever gets you there in the end, I guess.

Abby missed all three days of history and found somewhere else other than the cafeteria to eat. I tried to catch up with her after a few of her classes, but she either never went to them or had left early.

Just another casual reminder that the woman in this story has had to stop going about her daily life because a man she was romantically involved with will not leave her alone after it was over. Yes, you just keep calling this book “romance”, Jamie McGuire.

Travis is really sad about this and stops living his life too. Shep finds Travis sitting in his room alone on Friday night and encourages him to go out.

“Maybe you should call Trent. Go get a couple of drinks and get your mind off things for a while.”

Yes, let’s encourage the alcoholic who becomes an angry, physically violent drunk to go drink in response to his breakup.

Everybody in this book is a fucking idiot.
Everybody in this book is a fucking idiot.

Suddenly Travis overhears America have a phone call with Abby in the other room, and we see the actual extent of his stalker-logic:

“I can come pick you up and take you somewhere for dinner,” she said.
Abby was hungry. She might go to the cafeteria.

Man, this doesn’t even make sense from a stalker angle. She could be going anywhere, and she wherever she is going, she isn’t there yet. Of course, this is a book we have chosen to read on Bad Books, Good Times, so naturally she is in the cafeteria.

Her arms crossed against her chest, she didn’t have a coat on, only a thick, gray cardigan to ward off the cold.

GUYS THE CARDIGANS ARE BACK CARDIGANS 4 EVER

Travis walks up to Abby, which scares the shit out of her, because little did you know this is actually a horror story.

“If you would answer your phone when I call I wouldn’t have to sneak around in the dark.”

Actual dialogue in this book, right there.

“I turned Benny down. I called him Wednesday and told him no.”

Wait, you did? Well, thanks for telling us, the people reading your goddamn story, you jerk.

I was hoping she would smile […] Her face remained blank. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Travis.”

OH SNAP.

Anyway, this is how you mentally picture Abby now.
Anyway, this is how you mentally picture Abby now.

Abby makes it clear that she has put her foot down and says some weirdly totally true things that I would write about this book:

“We are dysfunctional, Travis. I think you’re just obsessed with the thought of owning me more than anything else.”

I AM PRETTY SURE I WROTE THAT? IN LIKE EVERY SINGLE POST ABOUT THIS BOOK?

So you know how Travis is this big tough manly manly man, but deep down he’s super emotional? And apparently that negates how terrible and callous he is for his constant stream of one-night stands and makes him a desirable romantic male lead? WELL, HERE IS YOUR GOD, FOOLS.

hot tears burned in my eyes and dripped down one of my cheeks. Unable to restrain myself, I reached out for Abby, wrapped her small frame in my arms, and planted my lips on hers. Her mouth was cold and stiff, so I cradled her face in my hands, kissing her harder, desperate to get a reaction.
“Kiss me,” I begged […] “Kiss me!” I pleaded. “Please, Pigeon!

In her post about this scene last week, Ariel talked about it from the “this is actually sexual assault” angle, which is very true, but I would like to talk about it from the “HAHAHAHA TRAVIS IS SO PATHETIC I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING” angle.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Trenton drives by and happens to run into Travis, and takes him to the bar, because nobody in this book understands what alcoholism is.

Trenton continued buying me whiskey until my teeth were numb and I was on the verge of passing out.

A few days later, Travis formulates a plan to win Abby back, which starts off with this totally-not-obviously-a-plan-to-win-Abby-back first step:

I called Shepley. “Hey, I know this is supposed to be off-limits, but I need you to find out where Abby is going for break.”
“Well, that’s easy. She’ll be with us. She spends the holidays at America’s.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Nothing,”

Shepley, you are the worst secret-keeper in the world; Travis didn’t even have to try. Can you imagine if other stories were written like this?

  • Darth Vader turned to Princess Leia. “Hey, I know this is supposed to be off-limits, but where is the Rebel Base?”
    “Well, that’s easy. It’s on Yavin 4.”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah, why?”
    “Nothing.”
  • Batman grabbed The Joker. “WHERE ARE THEY?”
    “Well, that’s easy. Rachel’s where I tell you Harvey is, and Harvey’s where I tell you Rachel is.”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah, why?”
    “Nothing.”
  • Hamlet called his Uncle. “Hey, I know this is supposed to be off-limits, but did you murder my dad so you could become king?”
    “Well, that’s easy. Yes.”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah, why?”
    “Nothing. Now I don’t need organize an entire play to be a thing in which I’d catch the conscience of the king. That would have been way convoluted.”
"Well, that's easy. To be." "Really?" "Yeah, why?" "Nothing."
“Well, that’s easy. To be.” “Really?” “Yeah, why?” “Nothing.”

Travis stalks Abby (again), waiting for her to get out of class, and then walks up to her and – I shit you not – this is his plan:

“Dad and the guys are still expecting you on Thursday [for Thanksgiving].”
“Travis!” Abby whined.
I looked to my feet. “You said you would come.”
“I know, but… it’s a little inappropriate now, don’t you think?”
“You said you would come,” I said again, trying to keep my voice calm.

This is maybe the most immature, childish thing I’ve ever read in a BBGT book, and this isn’t even one of the ones with children in it.

“You haven’t told them about us, have you?”
“[…] I’d never hear the end of how stupid I am. Please come, Pidge.”
“I have to put the turkey in at six in the morning. We’d have to leave here by five…”

WHY IS ABBY CONSIDERING THIS? WHY IS ABBY CONSIDERING THIS AND MAKING THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR THEM TOO? This is maybe the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever read in a BBGT book, and this isn’t even one of the supernatural ones.

Abby agrees, provided that “this isn’t some stunt to try and get back together”. Please, Abby.

“I still love you, Pidge.”
She didn’t look up. “Don’t. I’m not doing this for you.”

Who the fuck could you possibly be doing it for?

Chapter 23: Acceptance Speech

Travis and Abby go to the Maddox family’s home for Thanksgiving even though they’ve already broken up, where Travis’s brilliant ruse begins to fall apart:

“I set you two up in the guest bedroom, Trav. I didn’t figure you would wanna fight with the twin bed in your room.”
Abby looked at me. “Abby’s uh… she’s going to uh… going to take the guest room. I’m going to crash in mine.”
Trenton walked up, his face screwed in disgust. “Why? She’s been staying at your apartment, hasn’t she?”

Hahaha aw geez aw geez, they set up Travis and Abby in the same bedroom because they thought they were still together, but actually they were pressuring this girl into a sexual situation she may not have been comfortable with even if they were dating! What a wacky misunderstanding!

They get to the bedroom, where Abby takes the bed and Travis sleeps on the floor, because only now is he “realizing just how unhappy she was about the situation”. Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie! You don’t say! Abby starts working on dinner with some help from Travis. There is, unsurprisingly, just absolute metric shittons of misogyny from Travis’s family throughout this scene. It’s so predictable and obvious it’s not even fun writing critical jokes about how bad it is. Way to go, McGuire. I’m now bored of making fun of how misogynistic your book is.

At least TRY to be more creatively misogynistic. Have some pride in your work!
At least TRY to be more creatively misogynistic. Have some pride in your work!

There is that weird scene we saw yesterday in Beautiful Disaster where Travis’s dad and brothers all call Abby “sister” for no explained reason. It is not explained here either, because it apparently took McGuire two books to not make this scene make sense.

After an awkward movie night where the family notices Travis and Abby aren’t holding hands (fucking gasp), Travis and Abby have an awkward slumber party where they talk about their feelings, and, guys, Beautiful/Walking Disaster has officially hit Fifty Shades of Sequels-territory, where it’s just the exact same conversation again and again and there’s no point in me talking about what they’re talking about, because you’ve heard it all before. You can probably guess the gist of their conversation without me telling you:

Although this time it leads to Travis being a sexual predator until Abby caves and they have unprotected sex. There’s really no other way to summarize this; that’s kind of exactly what went down.

“I… I don’t think I can do this, Travis,” she said, trying to wriggle free.
I didn’t mean to restrain her, but if holding on meant avoiding that deep burning pain I’d felt for days on end, it just made sense to hang on. […] “I’ve got less than twenty-four hours with you, Pidge. I’m gonna kiss you. I’m gonna kiss you a lot today. […] If you want me to stop, just say the word (because that’s totally not happened a billion times already), but until you do, I’m going to make every second of my last day with you count.”
“Travis-” Abby began, but after a few second of thought, her line of sight lowered from my eyes to my lips. […] Within moments, she was naked beneath me […] beads of sweat began to form on our skin, making it a little easier to slide back and forth.

Don’t worry, though. Abby makes light of the whole thing and McGuire takes me up on my challenge of making the misogyny more interesting.

“Why don’t we just stay in bed all day?”
“I came here to cook, remember?”

“Hey, instead of you pressuring me into ill-advised sex, how about I instead cook for you, your dad, and your brothers? I’m in a best-selling romance novel published in 2013!”

Travis has a dumb conversation with Abby where he realizes that he hurt her in Vegas and understands that now, which is actually kind of a big move for him!

“I didn’t see how much it hurt you for me to want to take you back there, but deep down, I think I knew.”

Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Travis. In no way did you know that.

They agree to stay broken up, Travis drops Abby off at her dorm, he returns to his home to his family who totally saw through his “let’s pretend we haven’t broken up!” ruse somehow, and – I shit you not – collapses to his knees.

Because that scene has historically worked out very well.
A scene which has historically worked out very well.
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19 comments

  1. Kate Reply

    I’m a big fan of the “but what if other books were written this way” bit that happens in some of the BBGT posts, but I’m so over this book that I’m choosing to flip that for this chapter. Instead of Beautiful Disaster being the shitfuck catastrophe it actually is, I’m choosing to pretend that McGuire went Shakespearean: Abby showed up to dinner, murdered Travis for being a sexual predator, baked him into a pie, and fed the pie to his family. That’s it, that’s how the story ends, you can’t convince me otherwise.

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    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      Even better, you could read the sequel to your version of the book as is and it’s already markedly improved because OMG ABBY STILL THINKS TRAVIS IS ALIVE SHE’S CRAZY

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  2. blankexpression42 Reply

    “Oh, wait, no, because he wanted to start fighting for the mob.”
    Read that again. Now, let’s all remember way back when, when Travis was first introduced… He’s supposed to be a Criminal Justice major. Let that sink in for a moment.

    “Her arms crossed against her chest, she didn’t have a coat on, only a thick, gray cardigan to ward off the cold.”
    Ahh.. cardigans… Remember all those good times we’ve had? The first time Abby was at one of Travis’ fights… The only time she was at one of his fights… Now… Ahh, the memories.

    Also: http://tertiarypropositions.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/the-results/
    just saying

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  3. A Reply

    “Travis and Abby still love each other but Abby’s high-society aunt doesn’t approve of the engagement because Travis cannot prove his lineage, as he does not know who his parents are as he was merely found in a handbag as an infant, which is unacceptable whether it had handles or not”

    Oscar Wilde for the win!

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  4. Rachel Reply

    First, let me say how sad it is that the poll options got more of an emotional reaction out of me than these books ever have.
    Second, while I love this blog and it’s one of the best parts of my day, I can feel my soul dying and my intelligence crumbling with every awful chapter of these horrible, terrible books.

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  5. E.H.Taylor Reply

    I really want to know how anyone finds this romantic. I mean, Travis comes off as pathetic and Abby is a pushover. Even the breaking up part isn’t enough to redeem her character because I know she goes back to him!

    On another note, it’s -29 degrees out today (I believe that’s -20 Fahrenheit?) and the University library does not believe in keeping students warm. Any suggestions for tropical places I could move to?

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    • Kristin Reply

      We were -8F this AM. Last week, I booked a trip to Maui for this November to celebrate my 40th bday. I’m thinking about just going to the airport today and waiting the 8 months there instead.

      As for Trabby, I just have no words that haven’t already been said (er, written) above.

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  6. Jena Reply

    I’m going to have to ask the most difficult question anyone could ask here on BBGT. If you had to choose between marrying Christian or Travis, who would you chose? Drinking a gallon of bleach on the honeymoon is not an option.

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    • Kate Reply

      Easy. Christian Grey. Either one of them is going to be terrifying and abusive, but one is a billionaire and one is a frat boy. At least I’d be well-compensated for my pain and suffering. Plus, I think Travis is way more likely to accidentally snap and kill someone in a fit of rage. At least when Christian murders you, you’ll probably see it coming?

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      • Madeline Reply

        Christian, easy. Like Kate said, Christian has major money so the honeymoon will at least be awesome before my impending doom. And besides, Grey has bodyguards so at least someone’s there to actually stop him from hurting me.

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  7. Judy Reply

    “…hot tears burned in my eyes and dripped down one of my cheeks. Unable to restrain myself, I reached out for Abby, wrapped her small frame in my arms, and planted my lips on hers. Her mouth was cold and stiff, so I cradled her face in my hands, kissing her harder, desperate to get a reaction.
    “Kiss me,” I begged […] “Kiss me!” I pleaded. “Please, Pigeon!” This passage sounded like Abby had died and a broken Travis was clutching Abby’s body and begging her to not be dead.

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    • Madeline Reply

      Or like he’s desperately in love with and trying to resuscitate a dead bird. “Please, Pigeon!”

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  8. janelovering Reply

    ‘Trenton continued buying me whiskey until my teeth were number and I was on the verge of passing out.’

    What? WHAT? His teeth were NUMBER? As, presumably, in ‘more numb’ not like MY TEETH ARE LEGION! So, by Travis’s own admission, his teeth are numb, and can therefore become ‘more numb’ (incidentally, the correct phrase, if you must use it, McGuire, but please don’t). I should like to propose that Travis’s entire head is numb, including his teeth, because his brain clearly does not work.

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    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      hahahahaha! yeah, his teeth were NUMB, not number. I type out all the quotes I use by hand, and sometimes there are some rather hilarious typos that make the book seem way more surrealist than it really is.

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  9. travesaou Reply

    Wait, what?!!! You mean Travis didn’t commit suicide and leave a guilt-ridden letter for Abby about how he couldn’t live without being the wind beneath her Pigeon wings after she left him? They actually got back together (well, physically anyway) and the story doesn’t end here?
    Wow. Let me put on my shocked face. O.O!
    I was like sooooo totally completely not expecting that they would just like eat turkey and have sex like if it wasn’t the end of the world or something. O.M.G.

    High five to all the GIFs in this post by the way!

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