Previously, everyone at the underground fight club was attacked by malicious lanterns who were furious by everything that has gone on in this book thus far, particularly the treatment of Kara and Plot Puppy. Also, last chapter ends with Travis about to call his father to inform him that Trent has probably suffered death by lantern.
Chapter 22 Jet-Plane
If this week’s Stupid and Pointless Chapter Title of Meaninglessness is alluding to the fact that someone (everyone?) will be leaving on a jet-plane, I can only hope it mysteriously goes missing and we never hear from any of these characters again.
Trent calls, and he is totally fine. He’s just back at Morgan because he thought that was the rendezvous point. I hope you can all feel my relief through your respective screens. Here’s how Trent so eloquently expresses his own relief:
“Jesus H. Christ, brother! I thought you were toast!” Trenton said, squeezing us so tightly I couldn’t breathe.
I’ve just got nothing on that wordsmith of a man. [Matthew says: Get it? “Toast.” Because they almost died in a fire. lol.]
Back at the apartment, Abby tries to convince us that she cares about what happened to the other students that died in the fire, presumably without ever having experienced the wonder that is Netflix.
We sat in silence, letting the last hours sink in. I shut my eyes tight when the memories of the terrified cries of those trapped in the basement filled my mind . I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to forget, or if I ever would.
Given this is pretty much the last we ever hear about the fire, I’m sure it took Abby maybe one night’s sleep to forget. [Matthew says: I’m still haunted by all these poor souls that never got to see Orange is the New Black! So tragic! Or the fourth season of Arrested Dev- actually, they’re fine.]
America and Shepley call (they’re currently at Shepley’s family home and not at the university) because they saw what happened on the news. I would have believed this more if someone had sent them a text saying what had happened. Shamerica watching the news? I barely buy that this would make national news, but I really don’t buy these two watching the news.
For some reason this phone call prompts Abby to wonder what would have happened if Shamerica had been at the fire too. Specifically it prompts her to wonder what would have happened to America’s hair because that is the number one question on everyone’s mind.
America’s frightened eyes replaced the nameless girls in that room. I felt nauseated thinking about her beautiful blond hair soiled and singed along with the rest of the bodies laid out on the lawn.
Imagine the horror of seeing America’s gorgeous hair soiled and singed, just knowing that if she’d had brown or red hair it would have been so much less painful to see. [Matthew says: It really puts those all those college kids who really did die in perspective.]
Abby and Travis have a mushy conversation about how they’re forever, and then the line that Matt discussed in his post last week is uttered:
“It’s official. Bimbos, fights, leaving, Parker , Vegas… even fires… our relationship can withstand anything.”
Apparently it was so important it had to be in both books! Guys, I know we covered this last week, but no matter how many times I read this I notice just how weird all of Travis’ examples of things their relationship can withstand are.
- “Leaving” – Travis could mean literally anything by this. Is he referring to when Abby left him? Is he referring to the time everyone left on that jet plane this title reference? [Matthew says: Jokes aside, let’s think of every single instance someone “left” in this book. This could be when Abby broke up with him, when she moved out, if she went to the bathroom and was in there for a really long time because she had to take a dump and they both knew what was up but pretended like it’s not what was going on. I know I started this by saying “jokes aside”, but seriously, that’s how vague this is.]
- “Bimbos” – I mean, there was that one time Travis brought Megan home after they’d broken up, but otherwise these “bimbos” never really threatened their relationship. Oh wait! That time Travis had the threesome while Abby listened in his room. Good times!
- “Parker” – LOL. Seriously, it’s just so amazing how his name is just thrown into the middle. Blando the threat. It just doesn’t stop being funny.
So because their relationship has proven to be able to withstand disasters like leaving, bimbos, and Parker [Matthew says: And other people they don’t know dying! Let’s not forget the strain that puts on a relationship], Abby proposes to Travis. They book tickets to Vegas for the next night because McGuire has no idea what else to write again after spending all her energy thinking up the fire scene.
I pressed my cheek against his bare chest. “Travis and Abby Maddox. Has a nice ring to it.”
“Ring?” he said, frowning.
It’s not fair! Matt already got to talk about all the hilarious lines. [Matthew says: Yes, I “won” that one.] Remember this gem? It’s when Travis explains why he already bought an engagement ring for Abby.
“I just happened to see it one day, and I knew there was only one place it could belong…on your perfect little finger.”
But what Matt left out is that Abby quickly realizes this was a mistake and that Travis is clearly a psycho. Before Abby can get leave (on the aforementioned jet plane), Travis chops off her finger and as Abby is still fleeing, he places the ring onto her perfect little finger and cradles it in his hand.
Kidding! But wouldn’t that have made for an epic twist in this book? No? Okay, I’ll move on.
He looked up at me. “I thought I was going to have to sweat five years before I’d feel like this.”
“I wanted it as much as you did. I’ve just got a hell of a poker face,” I said, pressing my lips against his.
Yes, it’s sure one hell of a poker face when you even withhold this kind of information from readers who are inside the protagonist’s head. I mean I was convinced for most of this book that Travis was freaking Abby out, but it was just her poker face! Of course!
Seriously, though, the fuck is that title about? SOMEONE TELL ME!!