In chapter 3, Gideon revealed that in order to convince the world that he and Eva were having a gradual reconciliation, he was going to move into the apartment next door to hers. Subtlety and strategy are perhaps not Gideon’s greatest strengths. [Matthew says: The man who told Eva “Your cunt gets so hot and tight, so greedy”? NOT subtle? Say whaaaaa?] This would be like saying in order to ease into a diet you were only going to eat regular bacon cheeseburgers instead of double bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, even that would be slightly less ridiculous than Gideon’s plan.
At the end of the chapter, Eva reminded us about all the fabulous minor characters this book has to offer, and, what do you know, rock star ex-boyfriend Brett calls to speak to Eva. [Matthew says: When Ariel was telling me about this chapter this weekend, she sounded legitimately distressed over the flood of minor characters who all suddenly reappear in this chapter. Which was pretty funny for me.]
Attack of Minor Character Number 1 – Brett
My palms were damp just thinking about talking to Brett, [Matthew says: I don’t think your nerves making you sweat is really best described with the word “damp”.] and I was steeling myself for the little charge I’d get from hearing his voice and the guilt that would follow it. [Matthew says: Wait, is getting sweaty palms supposed to be a physiological reaction to sexual arousal? Because that’s even more wrong.] It wasn’t that I wanted him back or wanted to be with him. It was just that we had history and a sexual attraction that was purely hormonal. I couldn’t shut it off, but I had absolutely no desire to act on it. […]
He was tall and muscular without being too bulky, his body ripped from constant activity and the demands of being a rock star. [Matthew says: This phenomenon can of course be observed in many notably muscular rock stars like Roger Daltrey, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain.] His golden skin was sleeved in tattoos, and he had piercings in his nipples that I’d learned to suck on when I wanted to feel his cock harden inside me [Matthew says: Okay, I realize I’ve said a lot in this pull quote already, but wouldn’t that already be hard by that point?]
No desire to act on it? Really? Because it sounds almost identical to her attraction to Gideon. Super convincing, Eva.
Turns out Brett is going to be in New York soon to cause the same drama between Gideon and Eva that happens in every book. I mean, he wants her to be at the premier for the music video of his song ‘Golden’ (you know, the one about how good Eva is at giving head). For Christ’s sake his band’s name is Six-Ninths. LIKE 69, GET IT?? So they really really love writing songs about blow jobs. Just like that episode of South Park where Randy writes his own musical.
After protesting for two fucking lines, Eva agrees to go with Brett. I get that he thinks Eva + Single = Date With Brett, but that doesn’t mean Eva has to go on a date with him. That’s not going to bode well given she’s not actually broken up with Gideon as established by the last three god damn chapters where they had this conversation over and over again.
Eva thinks that by insisting they’re just going as friends everything will be fine. Someone please tell me when that has ever worked in one of these books. “OH we’re just going as friends, so why are you trying to kiss me? This is such a genuine surprise!”
Attack of Minor Characters Numbers 2 and 3 – Mark (Eva’s boss and friend) and Steve (Mark’s boyfriend.)
Eva notices Mark is grumpy, and he reveals that he wants to marry his boyfriend. But, uh oh, when his boyfriend proposed a few years ago, Mark wasn’t ready to get married. He lied and said he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, so now he doesn’t know how to get himself out of this pickle! [Matthew says: This sounds like the most surmountable problem ever.]
Yeah Eva’s like, “You’ll never know until you ask,” and he just like nods at her and the scene is over.
Attack of Minor Character Number 4 – Will (some other guy Eva works with who is apparently a hipster?)
“You up for lunch?”
I glanced up into Will Granger’s earnest face. Will was the newest assistant at Waters Field & Leaman and I’d been helping him settle in. He wore sideburns and square-framed black glasses that gave him a slightly retro beatnik look, which worked for him.
Whew, I’m glad to know that look works for him, otherwise this scene could have been really awkward.
Eva tells us how dedicated Will is to his high school sweetheart, which is also good to know as otherwise I’d be SO WORRIED he was asking her on a date. [Matthew says: I swear I’ve never heard of this guy before, like Megumi, who showed up out of nowhere in the book 2 to apparently have been Eva’s best work friend the whole time. Sylvia Day has now managed to retcon a character into her series instead of, you know, introducing them not once, but twice.]
Attack of Minor Character Number 5 – Shawna (Steve’s sister. For those of you who haven’t been taking rigorous notes, this is Eva’s boss’ boyfriend’s sister.)
Eva asks if Shawna can come out for a girl’s night on Saturday. [Matthew says: Maybe minor character number 15 will be Shawna’s mailman, whom Eva said hi to once BUT HE ONLY NODDED BACK. That would be only a little less riveting than this subplot.]
Attack of Minor Character Number 6 – Gideon…Oh. I’m getting word that he is a main character. Sorry everyone, back to your regularly scheduled program.
Gideon calls Eva to ask if they’re alright even though the spent three chapters establishing this. Take a xanax, Gideon.
I closed my eyes against a surge of longing. To know what I did now—how important he thought I was to him—made it so much harder to stay away. “I miss you so much. And it’s weird because everyone thinks we’re broken up and I need to move on—”
“No!” The one word exploded across the line between us, sharp enough to make me jump. “Goddamn it. Wait for me, Eva. I waited my whole life for you.”
Seriously, someone get this man a xanax stat. She wasn’t saying she wouldn’t wait for you, just that it was weird that people kept saying that shit to her and they had to keep secrets.
OH NO IT SEEMS ONE OF THE MINOR CHARACTERS HAS RETURNED FOR ROUND TWO
Wave 2 – Will returns, and this time he really wants lunch.
They get lunch apparently, and then the next line Eva is like, “Now I’m at the gym!” I’m not exaggerating:
Thinking a carbohydrate-induced stupor might be just what I needed, I stood and said, “Hell yeah.”
I picked up a zero-carb energy drink at a Duane Reade drugstore on the way back from lunch. By the time five o’clock rolled around, I knew I was hitting a treadmill after work.
Stringing together a bunch of disjointed scenes does not a book make. You know what this book could definitely use, though? A ritual! Those are some of the best plot devices around these days according to our friends who wrote the House of Night series.
Wave 2 – Attack of Minor Character Actual Number 6 – Tatiana (Cary’s girlfriend who isn’t his boyfriend Trey.) Also Attack of Minor Character Number 7 If You Consider Cary A Minor Character.
Eva comes home to find Tatiana and Cary hanging out.
“Same old. Hi, Tatiana.”
Her reply was a chin jerk. She was striking, which was to be expected since she was a model. Looks aside, I hadn’t really liked her all that much the first few times I met her, and I still didn’t. But looking at Cary, I had to admit she might be good for him for now. [Matthew says: Eva, your boyfriend murdered a dude. You should noooooot be allowed to weigh in on other people’s relationships.]
His bruises were gone, but he was still recovering from a brutal beating, an ambush by Nathan that had set in motion the events separating me from Gideon now.
Presumably Eva is connecting the “I had to admit she might be good for him now” to his recovery, but the connection is not made clear at all. She’s a total bitch, but damn it she’s good for him! If Cary wasn’t dating someone else who was really nice, it could make sense that at least he wasn’t alone after that traumatic event, but Eva really had to grasp at straws here to justify Cary/Tatiana.
Eva heads into her room and Cary follows her to ask who he overheard her having sex with last night. Intrusive? Yes. True to real life BFF/roomie relationships? Yes.
Also true to real life, Eva doesn’t want Cary to know she’s back with her alleged ex, so she lies and says it’s some guy from work. This can only end well for their friendship!
Eva quickly changes the subject to ask Cary to come on her not-date with Brett. Cary startles me with his astuteness. But actually.
“You should’ve said no.”
“No is no, baby girl. Not that difficult.”
DING DING DING! How is Cary proving to be the sanest character in this book? Cary. [Matthew says: I’m amazed how many ways this book is finding to lower my expectations already.]
“I don’t need a lecture about Brett, okay?” What I needed was Cary’s take on my relationship with Gideon and the concerns I had, but I couldn’t reach out to my best friend. That made everything going wrong in my life even more unsettling. I felt totally alone and adrift.
What? Why? All we’ve been hearing about this chapter in terms of Gideon is how much she misses him because they agreed to keep the relationship secret for now to protect Gideon from the police. During the scene where Mark said he wanted to marry Steve, Eva told us she wanted to spend her life with Gideon and would do anything to make it work. What concerns does she need to talk to Cary about that he hasn’t already advised her on? If it’s “should I date a murderer?” fair enough, but it seems like Eva doesn’t have any qualms about that at all.
If Eva’s concern is simply, “I’m concerned we can’t have sex twelve times a day and have to limit ourselves to six.” I’m pretty sure she can handle that one on her own.
After talking to Cary, Eva leaves the apartment under the guise of meeting her mystery man…and promptly walks next door of course.
My favorite housewarming gift was Waterford martini glasses. To me, it was just the right blend of luxury, fun, and usefulness.
Anyone think Day was winking at the reader here because she thinks she’s describing her own series? One of those adjectives is very spot-on. Or perhaps Day is getting paid for some product placement. I sure know here at Bad Books, Good Times, we think the best housewarming gift is one of our very own mugs! [Matthew says: To me, the “Haters, Baby” deluxe mug is just the right blend of snarky, funny, and coffee-drink-out-of-ness.]
Eva and Gideon both think the other one looks really hot, so I’m assuming the next chapter is just going to be a sex scene, but I guess you never know. Could be a good day for a zombie apocalypse finally.