We received yet another hysterical spam post that I thought I’d share with you guys.
The most troubling thing about this comment is perhaps the fact that porn still wants to keep in touch via AOL. This is not the 90s, sir. Also, I am very flattered he considers me a specialist (this was on an Entwined in You post, so I am most definitely the specialist he is referring to) and believes I can help ‘unravel’ his problem. I can only assume his problem is understanding what the fuck flew up Eva’s butt last chapter. Unfortunately, specialist that I am I still cannot unravel that one. [Matthew says: I’m still confused as to porn’s problem! He needs a specialist to help him out, but then he expresses hope that we’ll “peer” him? Am I better than porn? Am I equal to porn? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, PORN?]
But more or less importantly depending on your interests, back to House of Night. As I’m sure you all recall, Stevie Rae has passed away. I’m also sure you’ve all been losing a lot of sleep over this and wondering what will happen to our intrepid heroes next. Or, more realistically, a lot of you have actually already read this nightmare of a series and may feel like you’re watching a horror movie where you just want to scream at Matthew and me not to open the door.
Zoey returns to her room to find Shaunee and Erin sitting on Stevie Rae’s bed presumably waiting for Zoey. I wonder what Shaunee and Erin talk about when they’re alone. Do they still feel the need to constantly call each other twin or do they just do that for other people’s
constant irritation benefit.
“You need to eat so that you can take the [probably most definitely evil] stuff Neferet gave us to give you,” Erin said.
“Plus, it might make you feel better,” Shaunee said.
“I don’t think I’ll ever feel better.”
Erin’s eyes filled with tears that spilled over and dripped down her cheeks. “Don’t say that, Zoey. If you never feel better that means none of us will, either.”
Why on Earth does this mean that they would never feel better? The co-dependency between the “twins” has been established, but now they have to rely on Zoey’s fucking feelings too. They have somehow become even more useless, and they were already pretty fucking useless to begin with. [Matthew says: Christ on a bicycle, am I dreading when the Casts realize the Twins are now 2/3 of Zoey’s friends and they have to flesh out their character(s).]
The girls all reminisce about Stevie Rae’s only defining characteristics – being from the South:
“What was the name of that little bumpkin town Stevie Rae was from?”
“Henrietta,” I said. “Home of the Fighting Hens.”
“Fighting Hens?” the Twins said together.
I nodded. “It drove Stevie Rae crazy. Even in her bumpkinness she wasn’t okay with being a Fighting Hen.”
“Hens fight?” Shaunee asked.
Erin shrugged. “How should I know, Twin?”
“I thought only cocks fought,” I said. We all looked at each other and said, “Cocks!” and then burst out into laughter, which pretty soon was mixed with tears. “Stevie Rae would have thought that was hilarious,” I said when I could catch my breath again.
Stevie Rae’s lucky she’s not alive to listen to this hogwash. I’m sure this is exactly the way she’d want her friends to remember her – just a regular old bumpkin from Henrietta who would laugh when someone says “cocks” in a completely unfunny context. It’s really the dream. [Matthew says: I flagged this because I wanted to write some snarky comment, like, “Yes, I hope that at my funeral, Ariel just tells a bunch of dick jokes during my eulogy.” But then I realized, yes, that is exactly what I want. I don’t think this is universal, though.]
Also, for some reason I can’t stop picturing Stevie Rae as Hannah Montana.
Actually, more accurately, the four girls (plus Aphrodite) are probably more accurately represented by this:
Can you guess who is who? Also did you know Amber has an affinity for all the elements? [Matthew says: Wait, what the fuck? I thought the Casts were ripping off Harry Potter and Mean Girls, but… why is this Amanda Show sketch exactly like the characters in House of N- IS JOSH PECK GAY?]
The twins leave, and Zoey’s grandmother calls because she, too, apparently lives her life based on these fucking intuitive “feelings” everyone gets about everything. Stop trying to make things happen just because a character senses something, Casts.
“She died in my arms, Grandma, just minutes after Nyx gifted her with an affinity for the element earth.”
“It must have been a great comfort for her that you were with her at the end.” I could hear that Grandma was crying now, too.
“We were all with her, all of my friends.”
“And Nyx must have been with her, too.”
What the fuck? No one is going to comment on what a dick Nyx is for doing that? Nyx has basically just completely flipped off, Stevie Rae. Or worse, Nyx felt so bad for this girl that she gave her the affinity equivalent of a pity fuck.
Wait! Zoey does mention that this is really weird, but grandma Redbird is just like, “Shit happens LOOOOOL.” [Matthew says: Maybe the inconsistency was supposed to happen! Maybe Stevie Rae being given a special, powerful vampyre gift and then dying as her body rejected the Change to becoming a vampyre is a mysterious plot point and not a continuity error! It’s so hard to tell between the two in this book.]
Zoey complains that the school is too blasé when their fledglings die. And I kid you not, Zoey has another feeling.
Then an idea came to me, along with a feeling that it was the right thing to do. “I can change that. With or without permission, I’m going to be sure Stevie Rae’s death is honored. She’s going to be more than a speed bump.”
The Casts even emphasised the word “feeling” the way I would to mock it. Even they must be starting to realise that, in terms of Annoying and Unnecessary Things that Keep Happening, this is beginning to rival the twins calling each other “twin” constantly or the frequent friendly neighbourhood reminders that Damien is gay.
Grandma warns Zoey not to get into trouble with whatever she’s planning.
“Grandma, I am the most powerful fledgling in the history of vampyres.”
Instead of telling Zoey to shut up, Grandma wholeheartedly agrees, leading me to believe that something more tragic has been going on all along in this series. Grandma Redbird clearly has dementia, you guys. She clearly doesn’t remember what Zoey is like at all.
In case you were starting to feel like all this drab death stuff was taking away from the boy drama, Heath sends texts which highlight the Casts’ powerful ability to channel teen-speak.
Note: For some reason Heath’s texts are in bold, while Zoey just tells us that’s what she sent. I trimmed out some of the exposition, but I didn’t actually edit the way the texts are written:
R U OK? Somethings wrong.
Bad day. My best friend died. I text messaged him back.
My friends have died 2.
I’m sorry. I typed back.
Me 2. Do u want me to come see u?
No, I typed hastily, my hands shaking. You have school.
Nuh uh SNOW DAY! [Clearly taking the loss of his friends very hard and the magnitude of this conversation very seriously.]
I’ll make u feel btr fri
Zoey remembers that she agreed to meet Heath Friday after the football game. [Matthew says: Is that what the fuck “feel btr fri” means? I thought “Fri” was Heath’s new nickname for Zoey, and he was going to make her feel some butter.] She considers telling Neferet everything, so she can help her break the bonds of Imprinting, but quickly remembers that Neferet is a lying liar who lies and steals her ideas, so that’s a no go.
She can’t say no to Heath, so they both type “OK” to each other, so the date is a go!
Zoey tries to sleep but can’t, and then there’s a nice scene where the twins and Damien show up because they all feel lonely too. It’s also specifically mentioned that the twins bring “their” cat (so they share one I guess) [Matthew says: Just like they share the same underdeveloped character.] and that Damien brings his. I had no idea that everyone had their own god damn cats. Have they all been mentioned before and I’m crazy? Like they’re mentioned by name here like it’s supposed to be meaningful (their names are Beezlebub and Cameron, DO YOU REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE??).
They all promise that no matter what they’ll stick together. There’s also this weird moment where it’s implied that one or both of the twins might not be a virgin, and Zoey decides she’s going to ask them follow up sex questions later. I thought you might want to be mentally prepared for that train wreck if/when it happens.
I’ve decided I’m going to start ending posts with a question or two that somehow tie back to the happenings of each post because we
love to have more material for Postscripts love to hear from you guys.
So who here has seen The Amanda Show? Did anyone here watch/like Hannah Montana? More importantly, what are your thoughts on Miley Cyrus?
Bonus question: Where the fuck has Erik Night gone? Is he just reciting Shakespeare while Zoey mourns?