Cami's Boobs: Beautiful Oblivion Chapter 5

"bitch please"

Full disclosure, I stayed up until 2 am last night finishing this book just to find out what the shitty twist at the end was. And, oh, was it shitty. I have so so many jokes written, I am dying to spoil it all.

Because I’m not going to spoil the Big Secret, what I can tell you is that Blando DOES show up in this book, and so does plot!puppy, and ‘bagged’ is still a thing for reasons that are beyond my ability to understand. Kara, alas, does not appear, so no fanservice for any of us.

Chapter 5

Cami goes to apply for the receptionist job at Skin Deep Tattoo where Trent works, which immediately leads to wacky misogynistic adventures:

“Jesus Christ, Calvin,” Trenton said. He was looking at the large Chinese mural on the wall, trying not to notice that Calvin couldn’t manage to stare anywhere else but at my breasts.

Meet Calvin, owner of Skin Deep Tattoo. He exists to somehow make Trent look less misogynistic. It’s also confusing to me why Trent is looking at the mural, pretending Calvin isn’t looking at Cami’s breasts, while he is yelling at him regarding staring at said breasts.

But more importantly, what is Trent wearing today?

Trenton’s red ball cap was on backward, and his boots were untied. On anyone else the look would have appeared sloppy and screamed douche bag, but somehow the look made Trenton even more appealing.

Meet Cami, the world’s most unreliable narrator. There’s no easier way to lose all credibility than to say something would have looked douchey on anyone else but Trenton Maddox. That’s like saying Trucker hats made Ashton Kutcher more appealing – they didn’t, and I’m still sort of bitter than non-truckers wore them unironically.

"Trucker hats, Ashton Kutcher"

[Matthew says: Not to mention that, from a quality-of-writing perspective, this is sort of cheating? You can’t describe something by explicitly saying it’s not how you admit it’s likely to be interpreted. Let’s pretend other books were written this way…

  • “A wizard is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to.” Gandalf said in a way that from anyone else would have sounded douchey, but somehow sounded wise.
  • “You’re a wizard, Harry.” Hagrid said in a way that from anyone else would have sounded like he were batshit insane, but somehow sounded totally believable.]

Cami takes this time to tell us about her boob situation, which is crucial to our understanding of her as a character.

I didn’t have the most voluptuous chest in the world, but my slight frame made my small D cups seem bigger than they were.

SMALL D CUPS? That is like saying, “I climbed that small mountain…you know, Everest or whatever?” As a woman how does McGuire not know that D cups are widely considered big! [Matthew says: I bet you weren’t expecting another one of these so soon, but BUTWHATIFOTHERBOOKSWEREWRITTENTHISWAY?

  • “I’ve lived in New York all my life,” Holden said. “And I know Trafalgar Square like the back of my hand.”
  • “I’ll have a martini. Shaken. No foam on the top.”]

I hated to admit it, but they helped score extra tips at the Red, and now they could help me get a second job. It was a vicious cycle of not wanting to be objectified, and using the gifts God gave me to my advantage.

"bitch please"

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from that. Being a woman is so complicated :(? Cami’s real talk is sooo kewl? B00bz r awsome? [Matthew says: Unless they’re small D cups. Some girls are just unlucky like this 🙁 ]

Cal hires Cami, but says she needs to get some tattoos because it’s bad business for the receptionist not to have any. I think we just figured out why Cami never mentions her one defining characteristic that was in Walking Disaster (her baby doll tattoo)…I SMELL AN ORIGIN STORY A’COMIN.

I got a little over-excited to Matt over Facebook chat when I figured this out. Then again I did the same thing when Blando showed up, so I must have been pretty tired. [Matthew says: I was wondering about this, since Trenton had been calling her “baby doll” throughout the book, and I even wrote about my confusion that Cami hasn’t mentioned she has that tattooed on her hand last week. WHOOPS. My bad for not assuming this wouldn’t be a direct copy of how the guy got the girl to get a tattoo exactly like in the other book.]

Some drunk guy calls to ask when they close, and Cami tells us how comfortable she is around drunk people, which is a really strange thing to say. Anyway, it’s not ’cause she’s a bartender, but because…~cue sad backstory~

I felt more at ease with drunks. My dad had popped the top of a Busch beer can every morning for breakfast since before I was born. The slurring, the stumbling, the inappropriate comments, the giggling, and even the anger was what I was used to.

Then, boy, Cami do I know the right guy for you to fall in love with!

Here’s what else happens on Cami’s first day. Classic McGuire infodump [Matthew says: It’s not a Jamie McGuire novel if we aren’t introduced to five new characters every other chapter. Seriously, this is like Cami’s sixth group of BFFs.]:

  • We the meet Hazel who works there as a body piercer. Don’t worry, we immediately establish that Hazel is a lesbian, so her friendship with Trent is completely non-threatening.
  • Hazel says if her ex-girlfriend calls to tell her to eat a dick. When she calls later, Cami follows through on this, thus establishing Friendship between Cami and Hazel.
  • For some reason, this also makes her immediately ship Trent/Cami: “We’re going to get along just fine.” She pointed back with her thumb as she retreated to her room. “Land that one, Trent. She’s right up your alley.”
  • We don’t meet Bishop who is another tattoo artist or something. Cal comes in to ask if he ever showed up at all, which you’d think he would know given only 4 people worked there before Cami started that day.
  • Trent buys Hazel and Cami Chinese food. Cami says even though she’s seen scary sides of Trent all her life, it’s nice to see he’s just so happy to make them happy. Because nothing says heart of gold like free fried rice.
  • Some drunk students come in, and when Cami turns down their money, one points out that since she also works at the bar, she must need extra money, winky wink.
  • “Does she look like a whore to you?” Trenton seethed. I’d seen that look in his eyes before—right before he beat the shit out of someone. […] “Do you want to die tonight?”
  • The asshole’s girlfriend keeps making eyes at Trent even as he’s throwing her boyfriend out of the shop. Because those Maddox boys, amiright?
  • The asshole throws Trent’s past in his face and says he’s “that psycho who got that girl killed”.
  • After work, Cami invites Trent back to hers to get drunk because he is sad about what that mean boy said to him 🙁

While drinking with Trent at her apartment, Cami talks more about her ~sad backstory~ because the women in the Disaster/Oblivion/Maddox/Pigeon/Camlin books need to have dark pasts in order to be the Perfect, Amazing, Vulnerable, Strong, Independent, Desperately-needing-to-be-loved, Deserving-of-the-love-of-a-Maddox Protagonist.

“He’s old school. Don’t talk back. Don’t have an opinion unless it’s his. Don’t cry when he beats the shit out of my mom.”
Trenton’s eyes tightened.
“He doesn’t do it anymore. But he used to. Fucked with us kids, you know? That she stayed. That she could still love him.”

Mr Cami’s dad is such a delight, I can’t wait until you guys meet him.

They bond a bit more about the sad things in their past, and Trent hugs Cami. For some reason, right after hearing about Cami’s sad past, Trent speaks really fondly of how he and his brothers used to beat Travis up as kids…which seems like a really insensitive thing to tell the girl whose mother used to get beaten up by her dad.

“I have better things to do than watch Travis beat somebody’s ass. Again. Besides, he doesn’t have any moves I haven’t seen.”
“Right. You’ve taught him everything he knows, I’m sure.”
“One third of everything he knows. That little shit. We beat his ass so many times growing up, he picked up on everything to keep from getting pummeled. Now he could beat all of us . . . at the same time. No wonder no one can beat him.”
“I’ve seen you and Travis fight. You won.”
“When?”
“Over a year ago. Right after . . . he told you to quit drinking before you drank yourself to death and you beat him pretty bad for it.”

So you’re telling me that this wouldn’t leave a bad taste in Cami’s mouth at all? Because brother on brother violence is defo okay because neither is a woman? Because boys will be boys, and they’re sexy boys so it’s really okay?

Raegan and Kody come home fighting about something stupid. It’s basically just a scene that was lifted from America and Shepley. Search and replace really served McGuire well in this book.

At the end of the chapter Trenton affectionately tackles Cami, and I can’t get over the fact that they’ve hung out like twice, and it’s really creepy he’s acting this familiar with her. But it’s fine, I guess, because ultimately it’s Tru Wuv?

Have any of you read all of this book? Without spoiling anything in the comments, can you tell me how you felt about it?

Also did you find it super weird that Trenton was speaking almost nostalgically about beating Travis up to Cami at the end of this chapter or am I reading too much into that? [Matthew says: But Ariel, don’t you remember how Travis is the BEST FIGHTER EVAR? Who wouldn’t be nostalgic about getting a victory over on someone who learned how to fight by fighting his brothers a lot?]

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19 comments

  1. Madeline Reply

    I also find it really weird Trenton is nostalgic mainly because Travis getting beat on was his entire tragic back story in Disaster. I have not read the book, but I salute you guys for doing so for us 🙂

    Maybe D cups are supposedly small in this world because this book is practically pornography for Maddox brothers. This is the Jaime McGuire world of double Glocks and flexing muscle men, D cups are probably common.

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      I hadn’t even though that – I guess one’s man’s tragic backstory is another’s fond walk down memory lane.

      Hahaha yes, that has to be it! By the rules of the Disasterverse, Cami actually does have small boobs in comparison to all the sexy babe that inhabit the town and exist to fawn over all the Maddox bros.

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  2. jenn.jenn Reply

    I’ve read it. (Shame, Jenn, shame!) I thought it was a bit better than the Disaster ones. Or at least I didn’t not like this one as much. I hated that we had to go through the ‘awful event’ yet again, twice was enough. As far as the twist, I had to read it a couple of times before I figured out what was going on because there’s just too many dang people in these books.

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      Yeah, it’s weird, I definitely didn’t like this one by any stretch of the imagination and I still found it hysterical, but I definitely didn’t hate it as much as the Disasters either for some reason.

      Hahaha I had suspected the twist earlier on, but then thought it was far too stupid/people weren’t acting in the way I would have expected if that were the case so it couldn’t be true. Then when it dawned on me that I was actually right I was just so irritated about how it was handled and how clever McGuire obviously thought she was for saving it for the last line. Which, no. This is the Usual Suspects, I’m sorry, it added nothing to the story.

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  3. Dana Reply

    “Do you want to die tonight?”

    I feel like this made me laugh a whole lot more than it should have.

    And small D cups? Seriously, what the hell? The only people I know who would ever say that are mostly women with, I don’t know, freaking H cups or something. I’m actually quite curious about what McGuire thinks of B cups and the like.

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  4. MSmith Reply

    The thing I found weird was how Trent keeps calling her Baby Doll, but then I thought it makes a little more sense since she has the thing tattooed on her fingers. But, well,we just found out she doesn’t, so here I go again: isn’t it weird to call a grown-ass woman Baby Doll? I don’t know, maybe it is a really normal and popular term of endearment in Englisg, but for someone who speaks it as a second language it’s just fucking creepy.

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      You’re completely right, it’s creepy he calls her that. It’s not a phrase that sounds right these days unless it’s being used ironically or between pals – like if one of my friends who is also a female affectionally says, “hey, baby doll!” I am totally fine with it. If a man like Trenton said it, I would be like, “The fuck?”

      And is IS super alarming that she winds up getting that tattooed later on in the book. I didn’t want to get into it too much here because we haven’t even gotten to the scene, but it’s so weird and just WHY is that the thing she chooses?

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      • Quinn Reply

        “Baby doll” is one of the things I’ve been known to call my pets. I cannot take it seriously as an endearment between people as a result, and I find Cami getting that tattooed on her fingers alarming too.

        As far as I’m concerned, unless you’re a tattoo artist or somebody else in a line of work that doesn’t care about tats visible with normal business-type clothes on, do NOT get knuckle tats. I don’t think tattoo shop receptionist counts for that, because a) it wouldn’t probably be a lifetime job/career (unlike being a tattoo artist who’s good enough to make it a career) and b) she could get some tats that do show at this job but wouldn’t have to at another one. Hell, she could probably get a sleeve for this job and still follow the no-visible-tats thing as long as she’s willing to wear long sleeves at her hypothetical new job.

        Also, the tattoo gods are probably not happy about Cami getting a tat primarily for Trenton either, although she maybe gets points for it not being any version of his name. I really really want Cami to find herself someone better, because so much of what Trenton does is textbook abusive behavior. And assuming Trenton is behind the “Baby Doll” tat, that strikes me as potentially abusive as well, because literally every time Cami looks at her hands she’s probably going to think about Trenton. (Which could be really sweet if Trenton actually deserved that kind of devotion, but with Trenton I just want to puke about it. I am continuing to totally handwave that there is an off-screen epilogue where Cami comes to her senses, dumps Trenton, and ends up being plot puppy’s other mom with Kara.)

        On the D cup thing–it’s possible to be like a 32D so yeah, you have D-cup breasts but they’re not really huge or anything, but I still find it weird. I think this is an instance where less is more description-wise–“Cami’s slight build makes her look more voluptuous than she really is” without getting into cup size or something.

        tl;dr Still hating Trenton with a passion and finding a lot of this book scary for making sexual assault/abusive behavior sexy.

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  5. Kristin Reply

    I have heard people talk about “small D cups” however 99.999% of them were quoting their plastic surgeon. Apparently there are small D, D and large D. The difference is the amount of cc’s in the implant but us lay people aren’t supposed to understand cc’s, thus the D cup descriptions. Cami is, of course, speshul since hers are real.

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  6. Stacey Reply

    Can we talk about how she decides to tattoo ‘baby doll’ on her knuckles in the first place. Like, there is so much wrong in this. No one calls her that except Trent, and he probably called her that in the first place because he forgot her name, and/or, decided to take Travis’ dating advice ( ’cause pigeon worked so well-_-). &She is in a damn relationship with Blando 2.0, does those 6 months mean nothing Cami?! I don’t know if I am just hyper sensitive to this stuff but I just think these nicknames are sort of derogatory and stupid. Maybe it would be different if they had a solid history that is longer than 3 days and he was using it ironically? What is the timeline? How long into the ”non-relationship” are they?
    I will lillustrate this absurd reasoning with someone getting ”shit-face” tattooed on their knuckles cause, “that’s what some uber cute hottie at the bar called me that one time.”
    Damn you McGuire, if there ever were such thing as an anti-feminist, your it.

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  7. Kate Reply

    The only way I could understand Cami’s “small D cups” thing would be if she had gained or lost a lot of weight somewhat recently. Like, I was thin and mostly flat-chested through my teen years, but once I hit my twenties, I started carrying a bit more weight in my breasts and hips. So, even though I’m a D-cup now, I still instinctively think of myself as someone with a small chest, just because that’s what I was for so many years. But I get the feeling I’m giving her too much credit now.
    I haven’t read the rest of the book, but I might do that over Thanksgiving break. I’m… supposed to be reading Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie and On Beauty by Zadie Smith for my postcolonial literature class, but the odds of me putting terrible popular fiction as a priority are pretty high, because I’m a garbage student and a garbage person.

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  8. Judy Reply

    LOL having been misled by Matt, “If their name starts with a C, just guess it’s one of Cami’s brothers”, I thought Calvin was a bro and couldn’t figure out why he was fixated on her D cup boobs.

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  9. Ali Reply

    These books confuse the fuck out of me already. So, this spin off actually happened before the first book?

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  10. Katherine Reply

    more people….seriously???? macguire thought it better to introduce MORE people before a plausible plot / plot ostrich ?????

    macguire shakes fist

    It would have been fab if babydoll was actually trentons nickname and cami had this tatooed for him (like trabby pigeon). Such a missed opportunity.

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      Well there just weren’t enough random minor characters that no one gave any fucks about, so she just had to add more!

      Hahahaha you should send an angry letter to McGuire!

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  11. Pingback: How Cami got her Tattoos/One Defining Feature: Beautiful Oblivion Chapter 7 - Bad Books, Good Times

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